to capture a heart

anxiety

Vivian River

I woke up the next morning grumbling in agony. The stinging started to fade away however it still hurt like a bitch. I turned around to find Enzo until it hit me. He isn't here Vivian. I tugged furiously at my hair as I tried to wake myself up. I groaned as I lifted my body to brush my teeth and shower. I allowed the moderately hot water droplets to fall on my body.

Each drop felt like I was drowning. I was drowning without my blue eyes to stare at. I shook my head out of my thoughts as I got out of the shower drying myself and my hair. Then I put on some jeans and a shirt which hugged my torso. I decided on putting some ankle socks on with an anklet and some jewellery. I wasn't even going anywhere today I just didn't want to bed rot.

I went downstairs seeing Fi and Chris laughing together. Adri, Lia, Dante and Dhalia sat on the floor of our living room playing Monopoly. "What do you mean you're moving you were in jail!" Dhalia shouted at Adri.
"I was visiting!" He shouted lying at her. She noticed his lie shaking her head as they fought nonstop like siblings.

I hated how everyone was doing completely fine without Enzo. I felt morally repelled by my family's attitude towards Enzo and Dad's argument. I went to find Mama. Only to see her playing with Dad's hair as they joked together. I gloomed at them and caught Dad's attention. "If you're here to talk about your boy toy get the fuck out Vivian" I felt almost provoked by his choice of words.

Luckily I got my dad's anger "You call him my boy toy yet you left me for him, if anything you should respect him more than me". He started to run his fingers over his moustache as his lips hardened into a thin line "Watch your fucking tone Vivian Lopez River".

I scoffed and rolled my eyes as I walked back downstairs to see Dhalia and Adri stop fighting eventually. Dhalia won of course. I went over to Chris and Fi. They both stared at me for a while. weird. "Do you mind vi?" Chris told me implying for me to leave.
"Isn't it weird not having Enzo here?" I furrowed my eyebrows waiting for his response. He started to fiddle with the mug in his hands.

"Yes, Vivi it is but I can't do anything about it, as much as I miss him I physically can't do anything." He pulled his shirt up showing me a bruise. It was dark purple with hints of red. it was fresh. "I tried fighting Dad about it last night, he couldn't control himself and ended up punching me and shouting at me to leave". I blinked at him unable to form words about how I felt. "Don't say anything, just get my brother back." I gave him a sympathetic smile and nodded at him.

I got up to ask Adri and Dante the same. "Kid I tried to ask your dad and he threatened to kill me on the spot and take my job away". Dante looked down ashamed. I looked over to Adri. "I tried, me and Chris went together" I immediately stopped him knowing what happened already. I saw the hurt and discomfort on Adri's face and let him carry on playing Monopoly. I realised how everyone in this family had someone. I had someone but he wasn't my someone anymore.

I sat outside in my balcony's swinging chair. Tears started to form in my eyes as I thought about how cowardly we stood behind Dad watching him kick out Enzo. But we couldn't do anything. When Dad is angry not even Mama interrupts him. We all had a slight fear of dying by Dad's anger. Whether my brain knew if it would happen or not I was still scared. I started to wonder what Enzo would be doing. Probably killing someone. I laughed out loud thinking about how ruthless he is.

But I didn't understand why everyone was scared of him. He was such a sweet boy. Since day one he was sweet to me. I understand that me and him got together really fast but it was moreover just love at first sight. I knew he was the right man. I feel it in my veins as if someone is telling me Lorenzo was made for you.

I started to cast my mind back to last night. The evil comments Dad made. The disappointment on his face when he stared at me because of my cowardness. The pain on his face when he heard that Dad didn't want him for HIM, but rather for our mafia clan. It was purely horrible to say on Dad's side.

I felt horrible for sitting there watching him be hurt. Watching the man, who promised to love him as his father, tell him he's not a part of our family when all he wanted was a family. Tears started to gush from my eyes as my heart started to panic. I had really bad anxiety attacks and panic attacks which would be triggered when I felt overwhelmed. I had a couple when I was kidnapped.

The feeling of your heart feeling as though it's about to rip out of you. Your whole body shakes like you have nothing to live for. When your breathing feels uneven. You're giving the world carbon Dioxide but it gives you no oxygen in return. That's what anxiety was. breathing out to help the world but the world giving you nothing back. My thoughts would start to get blurry and I would feel more desperate to stop breathing forever.

My anxiety used to be mild. I didn't think much of it and would brush it off until my Nona got sick and I had nobody to take care of me. I still had her physically but she mentally stopped being there for me. Then my anxiety took over my body and grew a home inside my body bit by bit.

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I know Vivian and Lorenzo are going through too many breaks but it's needed for the plots!