The Scars That Broke Her

Chapter 20

My breathing was calm and steady as my eyes traced over textured surface of my wall. My head lay still on my fluffy – almost too fluffy – pillow while my blanket was tucked close to me, leaving only my arms exposed. I heaved in a breath, my eyes slowly blinking once, allowing moisture back in them, before returning to their trance like state.

This is where I have been since coming home from the hospital. I didn't have the energy to read. I didn't have the energy to move. I barely had the energy to breathe. Truthfully, I was embarrassed as my mind continued to replay the events of the last couple of days. I was embarrassed that I forgot to read the nutrition label on that damn granola bar, I was embarrassed Eli came to the beach, and I was embarrassed that I have once again ruined everything. I was tired of everything always going wrong. I was tired of constantly being knocked down and ran over time and time again.

Both my brothers were rightfully angry with me. Eli was angry with me. Callan, Clove, and Beau were probably angry with me. It felt like everything, and everyone was against me. It was becoming harder and harder to stay afloat. The water was pulling me down and I was beginning to allow it to swallow me. At this point, it seemed like the easier option.

How do you keep moving forward when you have nothing and no one?

A soft knock sounded at my door as footsteps entered my space. My eyes stared harder into the wall as I tried to ignore whichever brother was walking over to me. As angry as they were with me, I knew that they were also worried. I hadn't left my room; I've barely even moved from my curled-up position. I just wanted to be left alone.

I can't hurt anyone when I'm alone.

I can't lose anyone when I'm alone.

I felt a tall body tower over me as they walked closer to me. The bed shifted as whoever it was sat on the edge. They let out a sigh, presumably trying to figure out what to say. I blinked again, letting out another breath. Annoyance spiked when a small strand of hair fell in front of my eyes as I did this. 

"How are you feeling?" Cale's voice asked. His words were quiet and there was a pain behind them. Without even looking at him I could tell that his brows were creased, and his eyes held a large amount of concern. The concern and worry haven't left his features since I nearly died.

"I'm okay." I whispered, still facing the wall.

I'm always okay.

"Your throat?"

"Still a little scratchy." I answered. I could feel Cale nod as his eyes grazed over me searching for any indication that I was lying. We fell into silence, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. I could tell by the rigidness of his stature that he was aching to scold me for the beach incident. But the concern that his features held said that he felt bad doing so.

So, this is how our conversations have gone the past two days. They would start with his simple question, how are you feeling, in which I would answer with a simple, I'm okay – because I am. I mean, I'm alive, right? Anyway, we would then fall into silence, it wasn't quite awkward but wasn't comforting either, as he quickly assessed my state, before leaving without another word.

And then there was Tate, who hasn't so much as said a word to me since the hospital. After seeing that I was alive – mostly – he completely shut off. And I didn't blame him. I had lied to him. I lied to everyone.

"There's pancakes downstairs." Cale said, trying to get some sort of emotion from me. Unluckily for him, they were still locked away tightly in my vault. I would not allow the pit of emotions out – at least not while he's around.

"I'll get some in a bit."

Another sigh emitted from his lips. This time, more frustrated. He was probably getting tired of talking to a wall. I felt his gentle fingers trace the hair above my ear, drawing it out of my face. Silently, I was grateful for this. His fingers continued to trace through my hair, softly and slowly. I found it surprisingly comforting. My eyes closed as his movements brought a peace over me.