Undercare|| Fyozai

•Chapter eighteen

"I miss my friend."

"The one who batrayed you?"

"Yep."

"And?"

"Thats all."

"I know it when you are lying Dazai."

"Then you should also know im not going to answer anymore."

Fyodor makes an tired and frustrated sound like an hum. Dazai was an professional at causing Fyodor trouble. Not really. He was like an drug, good for you for a while until it fucks up your whole life. Dazai made him feel like an tempererly medicine, he was reliving from every breathing one, like an pet or doll in the spot lights. Usefull, interesting, diffrent. But then he hits you with the reality of his nature, of the fact that he isnt none of them. He isnt a doll you can control or a pet that will obey and seek for you. Just, unhuman. Lacking sympathy, feeling or care. Fyodor knew it. Dazai knew it. Thats why Fyodor knew Dazai will end up in his doorstep.

Becouse Fyodor knew he will never find anyone like him, just like how Fyodor will never find someone like Dazai.

"You think you will ever satisfy the void in your chest? You think it will disapear after you ignore it for long enough?"

Dazai's annoyed expression from earlier turns into something darker, something unreadble. Not that it was that upfront. He was smirking like always, eyebrows raised in suprise and 'amusement', but Fyodor could tell, ofcourse he could tell.

The darkness in his eyes, the confesion in his eyes that said that he didnt wanted to know. Like a warning to the older. That was went ignored.

"Your little mind games and delicousunal actions are amusing me Fyodor."

"You think so?" He doesnt even pauses for a second, his mind feels like its trowing up words on the brunnet. "You think for a moment loving a man will make you human? You think you can keep feeling human by pressing on the same wound over and over again? You know you cant live witout the feeling of pain. Thats why you always try to find a way to break a few bones but wont make you lose a limp. You think pain makes you human and loving pain for that reasen makes you unhuman, so you lie to yourself and the other around you. Trying to gaslight yourself away from the truth." Fyodor moves closer. Dazai has nowhere to run. In a little flying thing, sitting on a wide uncomftble seat, pressed to the wall. "You can keep try to fool yourself. But you know you are smarter than that."

Dazai's expression turns in to one of an timing bomb, his frist clinging on his lap, nails digging so sharp and deeply to the sensetive flesh under it. Pain.

"You think you know me the best, you think you have it all figured out. All you do is create an impossible goal to yourself so while going in that endless path you can feel good and godly while using and trowing away people, you say its for the wold peace, you know damn well you will never achive it."

Fyodor takes another step closer, the tension growing thicker and thicker. Words are unfiltered, no more methaphores or silly games. Fyodor grabs and yanks Dazai's collar. His one leg between Dazai's ones, giving him no choice to face him, unnecessarily close. "Dont act like you are so innocent now. We both know you do nothing more then maniplate everyone around you for your little doll hause play. But who can blame you right? Your only doing what Mori thoughted you." There is it again, that maniatic mad grin on his face. Same as the day they met. Dazai doesnt thinks he is a creep anymore, just an maniac. Sounds familiar.

Dazai's slander fingers find their way trough Fyodor greasy hair that at this rate an familiarty feels like silk more then grease. Its always the same place. First Dazai's finger tips brush past Fyodor's high cheekbones, then his fingers push past his hair just right above his ear, as the rest of his fingers curl around the back of Fyodor's head his pinky finger slides right between his ear.

Fyodor lets out an muffled sound, not from suprise. They both knew it coming. Fyodor's long ice cold finger find the back of Dazai's neck, softly pushing him up, towards himself. As their lips connect for another million time, there is and acceptence in Dazai's mind. He slowly leans back to the wall behind him that bothered him so much just minutes ago, Fyodor follows him, his knee placed between Dazai's parted legs, on the seat to lean even closer. Dazai feels diffrent. Almost after every fight they had it always ended up with kissing or sex. Dazai always assumed it was becouse of the passision anger and hate brings. But this feels so soft. Too soft. Like nothing can hurt him anymore. Pain, pain, pain.

As Fyodor's other hand creeps up to his waist and Dazai's other hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer. As the kiss deepens and Fyodor finaly starts to feel warm again. The helicopter shake in a rough landing. The feeling of the so much weight pressing down on the floor rather then fly free in the air. So before Dazai even has the time to speak, Fyodor's coldness leaves, stepping back with an unreadble expression, turning back wordlessly to the pilots and the workers room, leaving Dazai. God, how this mans body can be so cold?

Just for a tiny moment Dazai stares at the space before his head slowly falls between hands on his palm, rubbing his forehead irratetedly.

"Im starting to think there is acually something between you two."

Dazai sighs annoyedly. He cant handle a magical fairy-tail ass thing right now.

"Where did you even learner sarcasim from?"

"You. Your memories to be exact."

"Great." Dazai can just mutter. Trowing his head back and rubbing his nails over his scalp to create some pain, to freshen himself up. Was Fyodor right?

"Does this means you are inlove?"  The little voice in my head asks. God, im going complately crazy.

"What makes you say that, huh? Kissing? A lot of non-inloves do that."

"No. Its about your expression."

Dazai tilts his head, eyebrows raised and eyes full of confesion.

"Maybe this means you finally realized you also arent so indifferent with his feelings about you."

"Not really. Thats not how it works."

"It doesnt? I must have understood it wrong."

It gives up. Asshole. Like an android, learning from its users own experince. Memory stealer. Dazai sighs frustratedly. He just cant understand why would Fyodor look at him like that. Just so empty. He turns his head and scans the room for a distracting. His go-to was alchol or drugs. Very clean. He notes before his gaze falls on the oval window in the black room, he looks out. Back in Japan. Where he promised himself —Odasaku— that he will create an new life.

Fyodor placing him right at the place where Dazai can run away from his grasp and life, it feels like an trap. A choice that he will make next to the Russian man, leave or stay. There was acually no question. There was nothing or no one more importent then Odasaku. He deserved everything he can give him an so much more.

But just for now. Dazai wanted to explore this new feeling as much as possible.

End of the chapter.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

(JW)

I love them so much idk why im doing this to them.