Silent Repost

That stupid perfectionism

Anyone with a favorite teacher will understand me now if you just want to do perfectly in your subject. For me, Mr. Hunter taught geography and so it became my favorite subject and I looked forward to every single lesson with him.

To make Mr. Hunter proud, I studied so hard for every test that I would get full marks. This worked exactly as I had imagined. I scored full marks on every test and once I even scored higher than that, so at the end of the year I had more than I could have achieved.

Every lesson I noticed how proud Mr. Hunter was of me and how pleased he was. When we had to learn countries with capitals in Africa and America for a test, I was very motivated because I love being able to do that. So I studied a lot to master it perfectly. When it was my turn and I was able to answer the 25 questions in under a minute, Mr. Hunter was really fascinated by me, so much so that he asked me even more questions on the next test and then said, we can go on like this forever, right?

Because of his statement at the parents' meeting that he admires me for my good grades, I have to make it clear how difficult it can be.

A grade and another and another grade worse than I wanted. A piece of paper that is important to me for some reason. But no matter how good I was or am, I only think about how I can do better. "I would have expected more from you", 'Be happy with yourself', saying after saying I only hear from the teachers. At some point, I can't take it anymore. My classmates always say to me that I'm good anyway and that I'm lucky not to have a four. No, I'm just not good enough. I was a good student and I want to be again, but I just can't do it. It's just numbers on paper, or so I tell myself, but I realize more and more... My inner self still says to me from time to time, "I can be proud of myself for what I've achieved" and "I'm a good student anyway", but something inside me still says I'm just not good enough.

I don't just doubt myself at school, I also get the biggest criticism and doubts from myself in sport."I'm just not good enough for my age yet", 'Others are much better than you' and many other things this voice keeps telling me in my head. After every volleyball match, I lie in bed and ask myself what I could have done better. But no matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm too bad. The only person who keeps giving me hope that I'm good enough is my coach. He just has the best sayings that always cheer me up. Even though he is no longer my coach, we still have a lot of contact with each other.At school, I have the highest expectations of myself, which unfortunately often leads to difficulties. I'm just a very sporty person and my opinion on sport is that if I go to a sports school, I have to participate properly. In PE lessons, I am the only one who always gives 100%. 

Of course I also have days when I'm not fit or don't feel like it, but I always join in no matter how bad I'm feeling. Since my gym teacher knows me too well, she immediately notices when I'm not feeling well and forces me to slow down. My problem in sports lessons is always that I'm too good for the others and therefore make myself unpopular with everyone, which isn't necessarily good for my psyche. But I keep asking myself why I should hold back, they don't do it either.

Every now and then we have Mr. Hunter as a substitute in the sports lessons. I usually end up with an injury because I push myself even harder to make him proud and show him that I'm good enough. It's just so difficult when you don't get any recognition for anything, be it at school or in sport. That's why I always push myself so hard, so that at least the teachers say something to me, which is really good for me every time.

And that's why I'm so happy to have Mr. Hunter as my teacher, because all the geography and substitution lessons with him have saved my week every time I wasn't feeling well. So I decided to say thank you for once.