Wholly Apart

Chapter 10

MADELYN CAMPBELL

I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in Lo's apartment.

I hated calling it his apartment, because it had been ours at some point. I had lived here just as much as he had. But it didn't feel right, calling it my apartment too, because all I could think about was that I shouldn't be here.

I will stay away from Lo.

I will not see Lo.

And now I was breaking those two rules and my hands were shaky because of it. I hated breaking these rules because my therapist always found out somehow.

And then it always hurt more.

We were repeating all these sentences every single session for a very long time. And I went to therapy several times a week, so the sentences were floating in my head constantly.

We were here because Lo had invited everyone. He was having a little barbecue and Connor had said that he'd go. He hadn't made me go, but I had felt like I needed to.

Maybe that was another excuse to see Lo. My therapist was probably going to see it as one.

But Warren, Sebastian, Emma, Connor and Lo were here. It's not like I was alone with him. I wasn't going to be alone with him.

I told myself that all evening, but even being in the same room as him was too much. All I wanted was to go over and touch him. Sit with him. Talk to him.

But I couldn't.

All those sentences were swarming in my head, stopping me. Any time I wanted to talk to him, the sentence came to my mind and I backed away again.

He tried to talk to me all evening. He tried to come closer, and any time I just backed towards Connor and pretended that I was busy.

And now I was standing in the stupid kitchen alone, and of course he came in. He leaned against the counter a few feet away, this dark and untouchable look on his face.

"Do you hate me?" He asked, voice rough and broken.

I could see it in his eyes also. I could see how broken he was and how much he hated this thing between us.

But he was better now, and the only way I could get better was if I stayed away from him. And we'd said that we would both get better.

The sentences were drilling in my head, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even pretend to hate him. And I could even less say it out loud to him. Not when he was looking at me like this.

"No," I brought out, looking away from his eyes.

If I looked into them a little longer, I was going to give in. I was going to forget about everything else.

He took a step towards me and I knew I needed to back off, but I couldn't. My legs wouldn't move.

"Then why are you doing this to me, Mads?" He whispered, sounding like he was in physical pain.

"I'm sorry," I somehow choked out, feeling so guilty.

I had never wanted him to be hurt because of me. That had never been my plan.

He ran his fingertips on my shoulder and I couldn't get myself to move away from him. Not a single muscle in my body was responding to the sentences in my head.

"I can't fucking stand it," he said so quietly, "You're breaking my heart, baby. I need you so badly and you're just pulling away from me more every single day. And the worst is that I don't even know what I did wrong"