Wholly Apart

Chapter 18

LOREN KENSINGTON

I wanted to spend all day with Madelyn, and cuddle with her, but it wasn't doable. I had to drive her to therapy at two and so that left barely any time between us getting back to our apartment and us leaving. We hadn't even talked properly, we'd just gotten back and then she'd put her bag down, taken an incredibly long shower and then we'd had to leave again.

I tried not to wonder whether that super long shower was on purpose or not, but I couldn't help but think that it was. Why else would she do that?

There was time for a shower later. Right now I just needed to hold her, and I knew that something was still stopping her. I just needed to find out what it was.

And if she needed to go to therapy first to make herself more relaxed, then I could definitely deal with that.

I drove her to the building and then went up with her, because although I said I wouldn't go in the room with her, it didn't mean that I couldn't wait outside the room.

She looked nervous as hell, going up the stairs to the office and it was somehow making me nervous as well. I guess this was her type of rehab, and I had hated every moment of it, so I understood why she wasn't liking this.

I stopped her before we entered, holding her hand softly, "Are you nervous?"

I hadn't ever taken her to therapy before, but if she was like this before every session, then I was going to make sure that I brought her to every single one just to make sure that she was alright.

She gave a hesitant nod, not being able to catch my eyes properly, so I reached out to her more, cupping her cheek, "It's gonna be fine. I'll be right outside"

I leaned forward slowly to give her enough time to pull away, which she didn't, and then pressed a kiss to her forehead. Madelyn leaned into me a little, like she wanted to hug me, and it was killing me that she wasn't just taking it.

Before all of this, if she needed physical contact from me, she just came to me and took it and I was so fucking glad. And now she looked like she had no idea how to even start doing this anymore.

"Do you need a hug?" I asked quietly, being thrown back to a year ago when I'd been too much of a coward to tell her how I felt and how much I wanted to touch her all the time.

I'd kept it all inside of me and I'd taken those tiny piece of contact from her like they were goddamn diamonds because they were so rare. And now it felt like we were back there, in square one and it terrified me a little.

The shit we'd gone through this past year, I didn't want to repeat that. I didn't want her to repeat that either. I wanted us to move forward and for some reason it didn't feel like we would yet.

"I..." she opened her mouth then closed it again, shaking her head hesitantly like she actually really wanted one.

"Mads—" I spoke, but she cut me off, pressing her fingertips to my lips.

I was taken aback by it for a second, and then, before she could pull away, I grabbed her wrist, keeping her fingers there so I could give them a kiss. She curled them into a small fist, pulling away from me a little more, breaking my heart a fraction more too.

But at least she was still with me, at least she hadn't run off again. And at least she was back at our apartment.

That was progress in my eyes, even though I had no clue what was going on inside her beautiful mind. Not a single clue.

"You shouldn't be here, Lo"

I blinked a few times, trying to find her eyes and failing because she was staring straight at my chest.