Deceptive Affections

CHAPTER 42

ZAISHA

I woke up the next morning with a small smile on my face, the events of last night still fresh in my mind. As I got out of bed, Roman bounded up to me, his tail wagging furiously. "Good morning, boy," I greeted him, kneeling to ruffle his golden fur. He licked my face, making me laugh. God, I missed him.

Today is Sunday and we just finished with the Fashion Show, so now I can get some rest today and spend a beautiful day with Roman.

I also needed to go through the numerous emails that had flooded my inbox after the show. There were offers for collaborations, job opportunities, and countless congratulatory messages. But I guess I can wait another day? Today, I needed a break.

I decided to take a long, hot shower, letting the steam and warmth wash away the remnants of stress from the past few weeks. The soothing water relaxed my muscles.

After the shower, we went out for breakfast. And after that, I took Roman for a long walk. The air was crisp, and the sky was a clear blue. We strolled through the park, with Roman happily sniffing around.

When we came back home, I saw the leather journal sitting on the living room table. The memories from last night rushed to the surface of my mind. Reyaan's words, "I've been writing in it every day. Thoughts, feelings, everything I've been going through. I want you to read it, to see that I'm trying to be open and honest. You want to know me. This is me."

I didn't have it in me to open the journal and go through it yesterday after the intensity of emotions I faced. It would have been too overwhelming.

But now, I wanted to read it. To know him. So, I picked up the journal and settled onto the couch, Roman curling up beside me. I took a deep breath and opened the journal. The first page greeted me with Reyaan's familiar handwriting, neat and precise. Just like him.

5th September

Today was my first therapy session. My therapist told me to write down my feelings which I think is stupid. But I am willing to try anything. Anything which will bring me closer to you, Zaisha.

I should start with the day I saw my mother for the first time in years. Writing is just as difficult as talking about it. I was hurt. It's hard to process. I spent so many years thinking she was gone, but she chose a different life over me. She left me alone with my father. The anger and betrayal I feel are overwhelming. If she wanted to, she could have taken me with her and saved me from that horrible life but she didn't, and I had to bear the consequences.

I didn't know how much I was affected by it until I saw her that day. And until I shut you out of my life. I didn't know how to react, and I defaulted to the way I always acted.

7th September

I have started working in the conference room of the office from now onwards. I couldn't stay in my cabin. It was filled with terrible memories. I kept replaying the moment you walked out of my office. The hurt in your eyes still haunts me. I wish I hadn't pushed you away. I wish I had stopped you from leaving. I was being a coward by not facing my feelings.

Every day I see reminders of you. Even driving reminds me of you. And most of all, Roman. I miss you, Zaisha. More than I can express. I want to see you. And I will soon. But not until I am confident that I am able to give you what you deserve. Not until I can be someone who is worth you. I am trying to be that.

I didn't realize how much I needed you... need you, until it was too late.

My eyes teared up at the thought of Reyaan hurting. He has gone through so much this past month. All of the entries mentioned me. No, they didn't just mention me, they are written for me. It's like he is having a conversation with me through this journal.

When I look at the journal, these are not just his feelings. These are his confessions. These are love letters. He has written me a whole book of it.

I flipped through some more pages in which he described what he has been learning in therapy and how much he is hating all of it. Hating to talk about it, bringing those memories to the surface and reliving them. But still there is not one day that he missed writing in here. And I was proud of him for that.

There was one particular entry that caught my attention.

20th September

I talked about my father today. It was the most difficult session. He blamed me for my mother leaving him. He blamed me so much that at some point I started believing that maybe he is right.

He drank a lot. He used to drink every night. He ignored me most of the times. But sometimes he wasn't able to control his anger and lashed out at me. Yelled at me. Threatened to hurt me. So, I tried to avoid his attention. The farther I stayed, the better.

But one day, he came back in a bad mood. Already drunk. He was yelling and throwing things around. His rage was out of control this time. I knew I should have stayed away from him. But I just couldn't see all that was happening. I stepped to intervene. To try to calm him down. But he was screaming gibberish. When he saw me, standing at the top of the stairs, he started walking towards me. He climbed the stairs with a dreadful expression on his face. His gibberish turned into hurtful words. With every step he took towards me, dread filled me. I was only thirteen years old then. All of a sudden, he lunged at me and my instinct was to protect myself and I don't know how but my body reacted on its own and I pushed him back. I didn't realize that we were standing at the top of the stairs and he tumbled down. He fell and hit his head. And the next thing I know is that he is dead. I killed him. I am the reason he died. The guilt swallowed me whole. It consumed me.

For the major part of my life, I thought that I killed him. And every time you asked me about my past or about my nightmares, I couldn't tell you. How could I? How do you tell someone you love that you think you killed your own father? I didn't want you to see me like that or judge me on that basis. Hence, I thought it would be better to let you go than let you hate me.

I shut the journal closed. I couldn't read ahead. I took a deep breath trying to steady myself. It was a lot to take in. Reyaan went through so much and he kept all of it shut inside of him. I can't imagine the pain he must have gone through as a kid. And that he would blame himself for what his parents did.

I didn't realize that my eyes were watery until I wiped at them. There is so much I want to say to him. A stab of guilt pierced through my ribs for not being there with him when he was trying to deal with his past.

Reyaan told me that if I wanted to know him, this journal entry was it. And he was right. I got to know so much more about him. From his perspective. What he went through. And it provided me with a much-needed clarity.

I picked up my phone and called Reyaan.

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