What If I'm Not Enough? (WLW) (Intersex)

chapter thirty-eighth

Ashton's pov

Okay, so picture this. You have finally made it to the scene in the movie where the one girl is finally showing up and doing that one particular thing you've been waiting to see all movie long.

At least... For the last 57 minutes you've been watching.

You're so excited because the tension could truly be cut with a knife. It's only moments away.

Only...

Nobody fucking tells you about how your heart rate spikes and how once you start sweating, you literally lose your will to do it entirely.

You feel the frustration of pussying out, all the while you're still trying to hype yourself up to do the one specific thing you've been trying your hardest not to do for the last two weeks.

But somehow...

Joliè and I seem to always be in sync.

I never thought that I'd think a person was refreshing, and I'm not talking about that, 'I just took a drink of cold water after playing outside all day long' type of refreshing.

I'm talking about the feeling of fresh bedroom sheets that hug you into them as you lay yourself down to sleep.

The type of refreshing satisfaction you feel getting to watch your favorite athlete lead in the top spot on a comeback tour.

The sensation of smelling the air on the first morning of fall, and feeling the leaves crunch beneath your feet as the breeze says hello, bringing it all full circle for you.

Or even the visibility of elated excitement over a forgotten childhood memento that shifts you back into your younger self and your favorite memory.

I truly never thought I'd think like that. My brain is hardwired a certain way and I didn't think it ever possible to think even a small sliver of what most people would consider normal.

I kind of accepted my fate early on after my first diagnosis. Then accepted it again with Rylee. I knew what we had never felt like it was anything more then, stable.

Our relationship was on stable ground. It wasn't anything extraordinary. I think I was just satisfied knowing that I was with someone who accepted all the parts of me.

It just sucks that they liked my brother for the same exact reason.

I'm starting to feel less pain about that though, I feel like when you grieve a relationship it's because you want it back.

A few weeks ago, I think I did. Then I met Joliè, and very quickly did I have the feeling of my heart stitching back together.

It's kind of a funny thing, realizing it when all the pain ends. You find yourself smiling at random times of the day, everything finally feeling like it has color again.