The Feeling Asks Why?

"Am I Really That Unlikeable?" - Ivory

"When I'm walking around serving people and taking orders I tend to think to myself as if I was the main character in a story, like that would ever be true though. As usual I'm getting no tips from anyone at the restaurant. Honestly though this isn't my main source of income, just a way to hide my real job. I work part time as a waitress and part time as an underground stripper specifically for a girls only club. I've never had an interest in men I've always thought they were weak and never could do anything other than wank it to me on some magazine cover. What pushovers am I right? A girl could do so much more for me, they understand my body and what I need, sadly or not so sadly guys could never have that sort of understanding. I better get back to focusing on work my shift is almost over and then it's club time."

I take the plates and dishes from this recently occupied table that had two kids and a father in it, the thick stench of men was heavy in the air alongside the smell of steak and ribeye. "Men smell so disgusting ugh." I bring the dishes back to the sink in the back then wash them. "The soap is like the only good smelling thing in this shit hole of a restaurant. It reminds me of the way my Grandma smelt, it was like she somehow always smelled like roses with a bit of mint mixed in with it even when she was in her casket. It's almost as if she had been made of roses or something, that always fascinated me as a kid. I liked to call her Rose because of it." I look up at the time and notice my shift is about to end, I head over to the clock out sheet and sign my name to clock out. "Time to get my hoe on."

I leave the restaurant and head straight home to get dressed for tonight, I swing my door open and forget to shut it behind me as I run up to my room and grab lingerie. I stand in front of my mirror and pose while holding the lingerie up against my naked body. "Should I wear red or black this time? Hmmm you're right red looks good on me." I put the red lingerie on just enough to where you can't see anything you wouldn't want some strangers to see, but I made sure to make it look loose and sexy. "Oh my girls are going to love this." I dote on myself for a bit before putting on shorts and a big shirt on.

The door downstairs I had left open slams against the wall, I jump from the sudden noise as it had scared me. I started feeling the cold night air coming into my room from the door, I head downstairs to the door then slide my high heels on and head out to the club.

I walk down the street to this subway looking place that heads down some stairs, it's supposed to look like a closed off subway station from a long time ago but now it's a strip club. "Not many people actually know about this place, although the people who do are always rich." I unlatch the chains and step down the stairs, I can already smell the club air from here. This isn't an ordinary club though this is a girls only club which means it smells really good, compared to a strip club normally, this place smells like heaven.

After walking down a bit of steps I meet face to face with this tall guy who's the bouncer, we're friends so he just lets me right on in. I strut into the club with the music playing and the other girls I know dancing already while the rich girls, who I like to call the CLG's, it's short for Club Lovin Girlfriends, are throwing money at the other girls. I spot this one girl I've never seen before though, she is absolutely stunning, I have never seen a girl like that in my life. I want to dance for her.

I walk backstage and take all of my unnecessary clothes off, the make up people put some cute makeup on me as I sit down. "I love these girls so much they always do a fantastic job." I look at myself in the mirror for a moment twisting my head back and forth checking myself out. "Let's do this."

I walk out onto my pole, I dance in the center stage because objectively speaking I'm the best dancer here. They may be my girls but I'm still the best. I grab onto the pole looking out into the audience hoping to see that one girl I had seen earlier, still walking around the pole I spot her and make eye contact with her. My heart flutters so I look away quickly. "God I need to focus, get your head in the game Ivory." While I'm thinking to myself I stumble and my ankle twists. "Ah fuck." I feel all eyes shift to me including that girl. I watch as she quickly runs up to the stage.

"Are you ok?"

She speaks to me and her voice is almost hypnotizing like a siren, it attracts me in a way that feels so good. "Look me in the eyes." I eye her black shiny hair and her grayish blue looking eyes, she is the most beautiful lady I've ever seen in my life. We stare into each other as if we weren't really looking at ourselves but looking into the depths of our souls.

"Yes yeah I'm good, just sit down and enjoy the show sweetie."

I wink at her and blow her a kiss as I rest both of my hands back onto the pole, turning away from her as to not distract myself again. "I've always loved dancing, pole dancing is one of my favorite things. I love the way the world spins around me, I love the way everything just disappears for a moment, and I love being loved." I jump up onto the pole and latch my legs onto it as to hold myself up in the middle of it, I reach around the pole then spin myself around it showing off my glorious body for all to see.

My mind wanders while I spin. "Is this really the only way for people to like me? There's no way, I felt something different from that woman." I slow to a stop on the pole leaning my head back to look at the crowd, the lady is watching me intently as if she was watching the most interesting thing she's ever seen in her life. "I love this feeling." The ground comes barreling towards me, I stop myself then show off my body to the people behind by rubbing along my stomach and pushing my hands slowly down my legs while curving myself in just the right way.

After I'm finished with my show I get off stage, waving goodbye then blowing kisses to all of my lovely ladies, especially that lady. As I'm walking backstage I wink at the lady who'd blown me away the moment our eyes met then disappear into the darkness behind the curtains.

I decide to ask my manager who all came tonight, looking around I ask him who that lady is with the black hair. I point to her.

"Oh that's Lillith. She's one of our newer customers."

I don't respond instead I walk up to her.

"Hey, I heard your name was Lillith, am I correct?"

Being so close to her makes me feel this funny feeling in my stomach. I want to laugh a bit but I hold it down so she doesn't think I'm a creep especially after only just meeting.

"That would be me, why do you ask?"

I pause for a moment cause my mind went completely blank as her words came in one end and went out the other.

"Uh uhm I... I want to be friends."

I sort of wince as I hope she says yes, I would've asked for something more than that but I couldn't muster up the courage to.

"I'm sorry but no I don't think you're that interesting. I mean I like your dancing but other than that I don't see anything else."

My heart stops. I feel it sink into my stomach completely like an anvil in the ocean, it hits the bottom and suddenly a splash of tears is coming up.

"Yeah, ok it's fine."

I quickly walk away without anything more than the big hoodie I had put on after my performance. I rip my heels off and run up the stairs as fast as I can. "I hate this, I hate it all, I hate myself, ugh why do I always find someone and lose them right after. Am I really that unlikeable?"