The Feeling Asks Why?

"I Do It To Myself." - Ben

I turn my head looking behind me, a presence felt looking. Seeing Anton I stare, a woman seems to be following him to the diner which he had just entered. I forget about what I'd been doing for the moment but suddenly I feel my throat open up as more of my inner fluids spill out onto the pavement. It starts coming out of my nose, a burning sensation leaving along with it. I don't want to be here right now. I wonder for a moment if Anton is even gay, why would he give me his number or have talked to me in the first place. It all just doesn't make sense, I hate thinking about it. He's supposed to be mine not some random girl's. It was never meant to turn out like this, I hate it. This anger fueled even more by jealousy overwhelms me with dread. What if I really don't have a chance, thoughts come back to me, wiping the puke from my face I stand taking my hand off the wall. Looking down at my hands I wonder why I'm even alive. Death sounds nice right about now, a permanent resting place for someone who can't seem to catch a break.

Standing fully I turn towards the diner, walking towards it anger fills my stomach. I will not let some bitch take the one I want. She looks stupid so why should I care anyways. I bet she's just leeching off of him for his body, he is beautiful after all who wouldn't want someone like that. The way his eyes light up the world around him giving light to the darkness that consumes all I look at, the way his hair is so soft looking and makes his face much more gentle looking along side his bigger stature. I brush away those thoughts about him as to forget about the way I feel towards him. It doesn't matter right now, I need to get rid of this bitch.

Opening the diner door the bell chimes, walking in I spot the lady then sit next to her, she looks familiar for some reason, looking at her she peeks a glance at me, I walk in as she talks to the man at the counter, I interrupt them.

"Why were you following Anton?"

I dread her answer hoping my suspicions aren't correct, looking at her she turns her head to me as to answer me.

"He was having a panic attack out in the park so I came with him to make sure he was ok. I was seriously worried, I think something may have happened with him and someone else. Do you know him?"

I feel guilt fill my heart up, tears well up as I realize it was my fault, how could I do that to someone I cared about so much. I am such a shitty person, thinking to myself these things I don't respond hesitating to answer as I know if I did she would hate me and Anton already does. She is so much better than me, he deserves someone like that, someone who cares someone who won't hurt him and someone who truly loves him. There's no way I really love him anyways.

"Yeah we met recently."

Trying not to clarify anymore than that I barely give any details, hoping she will not pry too much.

"I saw you hunched over by the wall down the road, what happened?"

Instinctively as to hide my reaction I turn my head away, she must know what happened. How would she even know, did Anton tell her? I hate him. Why would he do that to me? I hate him. Dead silence fills the air as the man working the countertop walks to the back and out the exit leading to the back of the building. I notice a faint crying sound but brush it off as my imagination. I hate Anton.

"I just felt sick and puked that's all."

She looks at me with this worried expression, probably pitying me for being such a bad person. I am the worst person I know so why would anyone care about me anyways. Clearly she doesn't. We only just met.

"What's your name?"

I look back at her confused. Why would she ask me that.

"Ben."

I don't want to talk to her anymore, again looking away I avoid eye contact. She has these piercing gray eyes that seemingly stare into your soul, they feel like they're picking every little thing about me apart.

"Ok well I'm Lillith it's nice to see you again."

For a moment I pause. Looking back at her I realize that this is the girl who had sold me drugs in high school. She was my old dealer. What the actual fuck. I knew she looked familiar but she looks so different now, eyeing her I realize that it really was her.

"Wait you're the girl who sold Zoloft in school right?"

Forgetting what I had been worrying about a sense of nostalgia instead takes its place as my new center of attention, reuniting with this old friend had brought back many memories. Good ones, bad ones, all of it. Even the ones I'd suppressed.

"Yep, that's me. I don't really like talking about it but I had to, to survive. My parents made me pay rent so that was the only way, selling my prescriptions."

Surprise smears my face, she really was willing to do that just to live? She is a very strong woman. Me for example have been off my mood stabilizers for three days and I've already gotten myself into this mess.

"Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through that."

She looks at me with a clearly forced smile, I can tell she puts others first. I can't believe I thought of her as a bitch who leeches off of others, what a shitty thing to do of me. This is why I hate myself, I could never be as good as someone like her.

"It's fine, I'm happier now at least. After finally moving out my life has been much easier and more stable. God saved me."

The exit door suddenly opens to Anton. My head snaps towards him, locking eyes with him everything floods back to me in a tsunami style wave of anger, sadness, fear, and hatred. With all of these emotions hitting me at once, once again. I run.

Bells from the door chiming before me, tears falling onto the ground behind me. I hear Anton say something as I run down the road, ignoring him I keep running all of these sudden emotions attacking me. The pathway leading to my campsite soon closes near leading me down the dirt and gravel road, rocks flying behind me. My legs hurt. Everything hurts. Pain engulfs my soul piercing through the thin skin of being holding onto my fragile self as to hide it all. Slowing down I see my camper, I can't run. Walking toward it I just fall over and lay in the grass, wind blowing above me slightly moving my hair and the grass tickling my sides. Finally I'm alone. I hate everything. Even so I can't deny it, I love Anton. It all really is my fault, none of this should have ever happened in the first place. I can't blame anyone.

"I Do It To Myself."