The Feeling Asks Why?

"But Even Then I'll Try My Best." - Anton

Heading inside I spot Ben, the look in his eyes stunning me for a moment. Is he ok? I could not stop worrying about him for so long, walking towards him our eyes locking. In an instant before I could even acknowledge his presence he was gone. The bell chiming on his way out, running past the counter to the outside again causing the jingle to play above.

"Come back! We need to talk! I'm sorry!"

His back stays facing me leaving me with feelings of hopelessness, crushing the chances I thought I'd had. Once again I've been abandoned, I must have done something wrong. Did I say something wrong? That must be it, I said something to him that made him mad. I've made a huge mistake. I've failed once again. I am truly a failure who can't do anything right.

"Hey, it's not your fault."

Lillith pops up behind me resting her soft hand gently unto my shoulder, pulling me back a bit I step back inside to face Lillith.

"I need to talk to him. I think he hates me."

I notice as she looks past me to the man still running, she watches closely. Looking back at me after, she speaks once more.

"Well from what I could tell he feels the same way. He's been like this since high school. He has a disorder called bipolar disorder, it really fucks with your head. He told me about it a lot."

My eyes sparkle seemingly glimmering with the last shine of hope left within. Still with this I am stung by fear.

"Should I follow him then?"

She looks me dead in the eyes grabbing both of my shoulders. It scares me for a moment, looking serious she starts.

"Go after him if you want him to know you really care."

Without a moments hesitation she releases her grip, turning then running out I follow the path in which he had taken. Reaching the end of town I see a gravel and dirt road. Approaching it I slow down to rest my legs for a moment still hoping he hasn't gone too far.

"Where did he go?"

     Peering around I see many trees, few buildings, and the gravel path leading outwards. He must have followed this path, there's no where else he could have gone. I need to find him. Continuing forward I sprint down the pathway consistently checking my sides and all around me making sure that I don't miss him. After what feels like forever of this methodical approach I can't seem to sprint anymore, my legs hurt too much to keep running. Did Ben really run this far? As I'm walking I look ahead and something is in the grass next to a somewhat large camper. Is that Ben? Why would he be there?

"Ben? Are you ok?"

     Walking up to the man I repeat myself with no response. Toppling over him his eyes are closed, I crouch down then decide to sit after a moment. Sitting next to him feels very peaceful, even if we had both done some bad things to each other. His presence breathing life into me leaving me breathless for a moment, I cry but not because I'm sad but because I'm happy. I laugh with tears falling down. I look up at the sun then lay down fully next to him, landing with a plop hitting the grass on my back. The earthy smell of the grass and forest is soothing my senses which had been shot just before. Ben starts moving, I turn my head still laying down but he doesn't seem to be awake. His body almost gravitates towards mine leaving our faces just slightly apart from each other, I can feel his short breaths on my skin tickling my face.

"I really wish we weren't bad for each other, maybe then we could've make this work out."

     Resting my hand on the side of his face I whisper to him hoping to not wake the man, groaning he adjusts himself as he lays in the grass. Slowly the grass envelopes the both of us just soothing us almost as if it was calling us to sleep.

"Anton... don't hate me..."

     The sleeping beauty in front of me spoke softly with his eyes still shut tight, he must be dreaming. He would never say that to me. Laughing to myself I once again spill my brain to the man who'll never know.

"I'm sorry Ben, I really did want this to work out between us because I love you and I seriously mean that. I guess I'm just scared you're going to leave me then hate me forever. So I can kinda understand where you're coming from."

     Touching his hair I notice how soft it is, he has really nice dark hair that compliments everything about him. He is perfect. I honestly don't have a clue if we might end up together but I know that I can still try.

"I know you probably hate me and everything, I really do love you and want to be with you I'm just scared..."

"But Even Then I'll Try My Best."