The Feeling Asks Why?

"I Drown not in my Sorrows but in Music." - Ivory

     My door slams shut behind me, the cold ground touching my bare feet. The ones which I'd run across the rough ground on leaving them sore. My makeup ruined by the tears that had flowed down my cheeks, I push my hands into my face and rub smearing my makeup even further along the paths which it had taken.

"FUCK!!!"

     I yell out in agony as I slam into the door I had just closed behind me, pain shoots through my hands as I bang against it. Anger proceeds as it manifests in the form of self hatred. I sit down, laying my hands to my side with the knuckle that was pulsing after hitting the hardwood door and leaning my back to it. I laugh a bit at how stupid I am.

"Wow I can't believe I really thought I was more than this shitty sack of meat."

     I pinch then pull my skin stretching out the soft layers on my arm, subtly examining them. I release it then look down at my painted toe nails, they're green with little yellow stars. "How cute." I hit the back of my head on the door as I lean it back staring at the ceiling then closing my eyes.

"I fucking hate myself."

     I open my eyes then proceed to stand up, as I do this I throw my heels to the side, I walk up to my room that is up the stairs to the right. The soft red carpet coating my stairs rubbing against the sores in which had developed from running on concrete. It feels slightly uncomfortable but I ignore it as my knuckle still pulses in pain.

     The door to my room clicks shut behind me leaving me now in complete silence other than the sounds of my own breath and beating heart. The silence is the loudest it's ever been, I can't stand it. I turn to my sage green colored headphones that I'd left on my dresser, I walk over. Picking them up I rest them gently on my head over both sides of my head, if I didn't have these I would be dead. I sigh slowly taking my phone out of my pocket then turning my favorite song on. The music comes through the headphones allowing peace to finally wash over me as this wretched body has left me feeling worse than ever before.

     Finally as the silence has been broken I lay in my bed, allowing my body to sink into the soft mattress. Feelings of pain follow me as my mind wanders through the night which had been enacted just before these moments, my heart is hit with sorrow. It hurts, the stinging, the sadness, the pain, the love, and the guilt for not being good enough. The feeling overwhelms my entire being even as I am instilled with the feelings I hold within music. Music has always been a way of comforting myself, it has never once left my side and there's always something new for me to find. I love music in a way that probably isn't normal. I don't care, even so I've never been normal in the first place.

     Suddenly I'm brought back to all those moments in my past, the ones that have haunted me for so many years after. Closing my eyes I once again, am a child.

"Daddy, why is mommy so mean to me?"

     I wait for his response but there is no answer as I look up at my father. He never answers anything about my mom so I just forget about it.

"You are a fucking disgrace to this family Ivory!"

     I listen as my mom screams through the door while banging on it making the whole house vibrate around me, I rest my headphones back on my head as she says this. The music will make me disappear like usual.

"Why do you look like such a boy? Aren't you a girl?"

     The other kids would say to me every single day, it hurt my feelings a lot. I thought I was likable but not for the reasons I really was. I only knew why after what happened with that man.

"Stop fighting back already! You can't resist me."

     The man who had stolen me away into this dark place said to me over powering me as I struggled against him. His body weight leaving me defenseless as he did horrible things to me.

"I love you Ivory."

     I should've seen it coming especially after I knew why all the boys had a thing for me. We were together for a few years and he ended up assaulting me, we broke up after that.

     Slowly I open my eyes as my face had become completely drenched but my face laid unchanging, maybe I'd finally become numb to it all. My body said otherwise but I felt nothing. All of those things happened to me because of this piece of shit body, I could never understand why everyone liked my body so much. Did I look fuckable? I laugh even as tears stream down my face, that's stupid. I feel grateful that I have music, I wouldn't be able to remember those things without it. There's this quote that I think about often.

"I Drown not in my Sorrows but in Music."