The Feeling Asks Why?

"I Can't Do Anything Right." - Anton

     I stand awkwardly as the man who'd just been crying and hugging me suddenly ran away. "Did I do something wrong?" This intense feeling of being abandoned takes me over as flashes of my mother pop in and out of my head almost as if to tease me. "You've got to be kidding me." I feel as if I want to run after him and find him but my body just won't move, everything slows to a complete stop around me as fear is injected into me flowing through my veins causing my heart to beat out of my chest. Badump. Badump. Badump. Badump. The sounds clawing its way into my ear as it tears any sense of joy from my mind leaving the only object in my mind being of pure fear. My breathing quickens even as the world has come to a halt. "Am I dying? What is happening? Am I going to be ok? My heart won't stop beating. Stop, STOP IT!"

     As reality comes back to me and I am out of those horrible moments where time had stopped, the floor had pulled me down and my hand clutched my chest with my heart pounding against it. This nauseous feeling encompasses my entire being, my quick breathing leaving my throat sore and dry. A pair of heels click as I lay on the rough ground under me.

"Are you ok?!"

     A ladies voice calls out to me seemingly filled worry but it's hard to tell where she is with the state I'm in.

"I..."

     The only thing that comes out is that one word as I'm coughing and heaving while the world spins around me.

"It's ok don't talk just listen to my voice."

     Hearing someone's voice helped me slow my panicked breathing, it reminds me of my mother's voice. Her voice was the most amazing thing I ever heard, she always calmed me down when I got scared and never failed to always be there for me even if she had died when I was really young. Thinking about my mother took me away from the situation even if only for a moment.

"What's your name? I'm Lillith."

     My world finally stops spinning and I can feel my muscles untense from the frozen position which I had been stuck in for an undeterminable amount of time.

"I'm Anton. I'm sorry..."

     I finally can move my head to look over at her, slowly my heart beats a bit slower as her calming voice brings me out of it.

"No don't be sorry I understand, I know what it's like."

     Lillith laughs a bit making sure to show a warm and comforting smile. I notice because it works, she really has this strange calming feeling to her. "I feel safe." I don't exactly feel ready to get up so I just lay there on the uncomfortable ground with this lady I'd just met beside me.

"Thank you m- Lillith."

     I paused in the middle of what I was saying because I forgot her name already and had just about called her mom. It was seriously freaky how closely her voice sounded to my mother, I had forgotten her voice up until this point but I remember it so clearly now.

"It's no problem! I love helping people anyways."

     I notice how she looks like she just took a lot of pride from saying that to me. "What a kind lady."

"Can you help me up?"

     She extends an arm and I grab her hand as she pulls me up, I wipe myself off. The feeling in my throat is dry but now it hurts like I'd swallowed a bunch of razors. "I need to go to the diner. It should be just around the corner."

"I should be fine now Lillith, you can go I don't want to bother you anymore."

     I try to fake a smile to show her I'm fine so she'll leave me alone as I start to back away from her.

"I'll just go with you I don't really have anything better to do."

     She laughs a bit stepping towards me as to follow me to wherever I may be heading. I notice and I feel a twinge of annoyance. "I really just want to be alone right now but she wants to go with me." I think for a moment pausing to decide whether to let her go with me or not. "I'll just let her come with me, I owe her especially after she helped me out."

"Alright, I'm going to the diner that I work at, just follow me."

     I start onwards to the corner the diner is on, not really worrying about the crosswalks or anything just walking straight across the street. I don't have enough energy or anything else left inside me after just having a panic attack. As I'm walking up to the diner I look over to the right and down the road I see Ben, he seems to be hunched over next to a wall but I can't exactly make out what he's doing. "I should just leave him be." I feel really bad about earlier, this feeling in my stomach scrambles my insides making me nauseous once again but I push the feeling to the side. "I can't do this right now." The door to the diner is now right in front of me, I open the door then walk inside to see one of my coworkers working the counter.

"Hi! What's up Anton?"

     I just ignore him and walk behind the counter, getting water is my number one priority right now.

"Is something wrong? Why aren't you speaking to me buddy?"

     His nagging pisses me off so I turn to him and shout not realizing Lillith had also came in and sat down at the counter.

"Shut the hell up and leave me alone! Can't you tell I don't want to fucking talk!"

     My voice echoes back to me as it bounces around the diner walls, I see Lillith jump in a surprise from my sudden outburst at him, I instantly turn around to get water not even looking back at him or her. The water machine has small plastic cups next to it so I grab one fill it up then chug it. While I'm drinking another cup I hear a soft but noticeable crying right around the corner, I peek my head around and see my coworker who I had yelled at crying while leaning on the counter. Lillith was talking to him in a hushed voice probably trying not to disturb me. I pull my head back around the corner and instantly am hit with this intense feeling of guilt. "Fuck my life, I messed up so badly."

     I turn behind me and look for the back exit, I quickly push it open then run out back. I lean against the wall and just slide down it then curl into a ball. "I'm supposed to make everyone happy, I have to." I just start crying while shoving my face into my knees, it hurts but I don't care I just cry. "I can't do anything right."