The Feeling Asks Why?

"I Love That Kid." - Susan

Holding onto the leather grip lining my steering wheel I look into my rearview mirror adjusting it as I notice a blue Chevrolet driving behind me. I fix my gaze back onto the road as I check my phone, I'm hoping Ben is ok, I had heard he'd moved out and his father took him off his mood stabilizers. Thinking back to when he didn't have them the one time he lived at my house for a while, I call upon those memories remembering the pieces of my past I'd forgotten.

The sink had been going for some time as I sat in the living room waiting for Ben to finish washing the dishes. He had just finished his middle school years and he decided to stay over here for the summer. It made me happy as having someone, especially my grandson, want to stay with me made me feel very cared for. He would always offer to do tiresome tasks even though I'd only just turned 45. It was a surprise but a nice one, I wish he could've stayed longer honestly.

"Meemaw! Where do you put your knifes?"

I look over towards the arch opening spanning through the middle of the house leading to the main hallway of my house. I react to his question with a calmed voice alongside the noise of the television playing my favorite show called "The Kardashians".

"There should be a space next to the other silverware!"

He doesn't respond so I just trust he found the spot then go back to watching the show on the tv. Looking at the screen I think about going out and getting things from the store, I would like to buy makeup. Even though I may be midway through life almost I deserve to look pretty. A lot of people say I look like I've just turned 35, those comments boost my ego a lot. I hear a soft sound coming from the kitchen but I can't exactly tell what it is, I assume it's just the tv making weird static.

"It... Ow... Can't believe..."

I swear I can hear something now so I set my remote down on my coffee table then get up from my soft chair, it's this really nice material and soft purplish red color. It's my favorite. Turning the tv off I can hear properly now.

"I hate myself, I deserve this. It's all my fault anyways."

Ben is saying these things like a crazy zombie who only repeats horrible things about itself. It makes my heart hurt having to hear him speak about himself like that, I can't stand hearing him talk like that about himself as the sweet and caring man he is. Walking into the kitchen around the corner I see this horrific sight, blood is pooling under Ben and he's holding a large kitchen knife to his arm as the blood continuously drips down his small body. My heart stops for a moment as shock comes over me.

"Ben! Oh my god! Are you ok?!"

Running up to Ben I hurriedly take the knife from him then set it in the sink, I look at his arm for a moment then grab a towel, wet it then rest it on his arm.

"Keep pressure on it ok?"

Ben just looks at me with the most dead eyes I've ever seen, not even a dead body could look more dead than those eyes he'd stared at me with. He doesn't respond.

"I'm fine meemaw. Leave me alone."

His voice has all of its usual light and charm to it removed like it's been stolen away. I wonder if it's my fault for a moment but that thought quickly disappears as he quickly loses consciousness then falls over laying in the blood in which had been spilled. This was one of the most traumatizing moments of my entire life, after calling emergency services the ambulance came by and took care of him.

"Turn right to reach your destination in 1 mile."

A robotic voice snaps me back to the road ahead of me, I hate remembering that. The voice coming from my phone had brought me back from the hell in which I'd remembered. It was a relief, I look forward as I pass right, leading onto a gravel road going straight forward. I see a decent sized camper at the corner, it seems to be the camper which his mother had told me about. I hope it's the right place as a feeling of fear lays onto me like a blanket.