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Stupid Forever

Daddy walked into my room and looked at the toys that sat in front of me. "Hey, baby. What are you doing?"

I looked up at him. Ted sat in my lap as he helped me teach the other stuffed animals. "We're playing school."

"School? You've never been to school."

I shook my head. "That doesn't mean we can't play though."

"What do you think school's like?" Daddy sat down on the bed and crossed one of his legs under him.

I handed him one of the stuffed animals that I wasn't holding. He always liked the turtle pillow. "I think it would be fun. You get to learn stuff and play all the time."

"What gave you that impression?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Impression? What's that?"

He thought about it for a second. "It's when you think or feel something after seeing something else. I just meant what made you think school was about playing and having fun?"

"In the movies we watched, when they go to school, it's fun. I thought school would be like that for everyone."

"It can be. Usually, the further you get in school, the more boring and difficult it gets."

I frowned. "That doesn't sound right. School can't be boring if you're learning something."

He laughed. "You clearly haven't been to school."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I still couldn't get over the thought of school being boring. It didn't seem real. Learning was supposed to be fun and make you feel better because you knew stuff. I knew I'd feel better if I knew more.

'"What are you teaching the animals?"

"Um... I'm teaching them shapes."

"Do you know your shapes?"

I shrugged. "I know what a circle is. And a heart. But... that's it."

"Do you want me to teach you?"

I nodded eagerly. I really wanted to know things so I didn't feel so stupid anymore. I hated feeling out of the loop on basic things.

"I'll work on a way we can practice it so you learn it."

I nodded. I was excited to learn something new. Nothing that there was a lot I could learn had me excited and eager to start checking them off the list.

"We also need to work on teaching you to read. Once you can read, you can do a lot."

"I should know this stuff. I hate being so... stupid."

"It's okay to not know things. There are lots of people who don't know things. We can work on crossing them off our list so you can feel as smart as I think you are."

"What if I don't learn it? What if I'm just... stupid forever?"

"You're not going to be stupid forever, Aly."

I sighed.

"Aly, I'm gonna help you with this. We'll get through it."

I gave him a look. "You're only saying that because you're my daddy."

"I'm saying that because I believe it. You have lots of good qualities that I think you might not see in yourself."

"Like what?"

"You're kind and generous. You're always thinking of others. You're funny, too."

I looked down at Ted in my lap. I wanted to believe that there were good qualities about me and that I wasn't as useless as I felt. I was still figuring it all out as I learned more and understood more of who I was. I still needed to figure out who I was and what my purpose in life was but the further I got from my time with Owen, the closer I got to knowing the answer.

Daddy held out the turtle for me to take. "We can talk about this more later, okay? I have to go work on some things. Are you okay with playing in here by yourself for a while?"

I nodded.

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "I'll be in my office if you need anything."

—

Daddy sat down on the floor beside me with a tablet in his lap. It was the kind that could connect to the internet and show videos and games. I was intrigued about what we were going to do on it.

I leaned over to him and looked at the tablet. "What are we gonna do with this?"

"We're going to learn some new things," He said, looking over at me.

I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't sure what all we would be learning but I was excited nonetheless. Knowing things always made me feel so good about myself. It made me feel like I was more than a kid.

He smiled and handed the tablet to me. "I found some games that help with learning new things. I think you'll like them."

"I just play them and I learn stuff?"

"Yeah, that's the point. Like you don't feel like you're learning because you're just playing a game."

I nodded slowly. I looked down at the tablet sitting in my lap. I was excited to try it out and hopefully learn some new things.

"Go ahead and play. You can play it as long as you want. It's my work tablet but I never use it so it can be yours now."

"You won't get in trouble for me using your tablet?"

"No. No one ever checks it."

"Okay."

Daddy reached over and tapped the screen. He pressed his finger on the screen over a blue square. It opened up and had words on the screen. I couldn't read so I didn't know what it said. A game loaded up and noises started playing. I didn't know what kind of game it was but it sounded and looked fun.

"Okay, see the tree? You have to try to find the other trees. They're underneath all of these pictures. But you don't know which one. See if you can remember as you look."

"That's the game?"

He nodded. "It's not meant to be very hard. Usually, these games are for kids."

I frowned. I hated being so dumb that I had to play kids' games just to learn something. I wanted to be as smart as a normal teenager was.

"What?"

"It's a kid's game."

He shrugged. "That doesn't mean you can't play it. We watch kid movies."

"You're not making me feel any better, Daddy."

He put his arm around me and hugged me against his side. "Go ahead and play. I think you'll like it regardless of who it's geared toward."

I looked down at the tablet and pressed on the first tile. It turned over a white flower. I pressed on one further away and it opened up to show a duck. Both tiles turned back around, putting me back at square one.

I continued playing the game for a while, totally forgetting that it was made for kids. I wasn't sure if I was learning much but it was fun anyway. If Daddy said it was a learning game, then I would just have to take his word for it.