Just in a day

TIRA

TIRA

When I told him about all the places I have been to, I could see that he was upset and I had no clue why it made me sad. He was smiling but I could feel that he really wanted to take me to new places , but the only thing I wasn't able to understand was why?. Why does he care so much, he is getting nothing from it. Is he taking pity on me like the rest of the world, but not for one instance he made me feel like that and when i think about it he is the only person who made me feel normal but somehow special as well. I have always built these walls for me as everyone leaves, the patient next to you in the ER, the Patient who you share your room with, the nurses who treat you and then you are left alone with your sickness and so it always felt better to be the one who is isolated rather than being isolated. When i met Rivaan, my beliefs system were completely broken down, i liked spending time with him even when i knew that i didn't deserve it and it was a  wrong thing to do, it is unfair to him but i just couldn't stop, I wanted to talk to him but more i wanted to hear him, to know him and i had no idea when i took out my scrapbook and asked him if he wanted to watch it and he said yes but moreover he meant it, he was looking at all my pictures so intently, asking questions, asking about my family, making fun of me( i was not a fan about this part) and making this place something more than it was. It used to be a place I went when I was sick but it was just that, there were no emotions , no memories but now it has and it will be my favourite.

"For a sick person who had ‘‘AN IV DRIP STUCK ON HER HAND FOR 21 YEARS’’, you travelled a lot" He said while nudging my shoulders to basically annoy me.

‘Was it too soon?’ He continued.

The only expression I had was the biggest laugh with a shocked face.

‘It wasn't , although it was mean’ I said as I punched him on his shoulder.

‘Sorry T’, He said

‘Forgiven captain’, I replied.

‘That's my nickname for you , you can't steal that’ He argued

‘Well, it suits you better as you are the one incharge and I like ‘T’. I smiled.

‘Fine, but I will come up with a better name, I promise’. He said as he flipped the pages and stopped at the one i didn't wanted him to, he looked at him and i knew what he will say,

‘Is that your grandfather?’

‘Yes’. I said and looked away as I didn't want him to notice the tears I was holding.

‘Wow, he even looks like a historian, with the beret and everything’.

‘Uh-huh’, I couldn't even say yes, I started scratching my fingers, that's my nervous tick,  I was glad that he was so into the book that he didn't seem to notice.

‘Is he still a historian?’ He asked

Thirty seconds passed until his voice broke through the stillness,

‘Tira, are you okay?’

I looked towards him and asked,

‘Ya, why?’

He took my hands in his hand, tracing the crimson left there through his fingers, I was so embarrassed I just looked down. He took the handkerchief out of his jacket and started cleaning the blood, he didn't say anything, it was like he knew i cant talk and that i don't want to. When he was done, he held both in my hands in his and said,

‘It wasn't your fault Tira’.

I didn't know what it did to me, maybe the way he said it made me feel like it was true and I broke down. Before I knew it he was holding me in his arms and caressing my head, reassuring me that it's fine, it's not my fault but he doesn't know the truth.

‘Tira, hey, it's fine hon, i'm here for you’.

‘It was my fault Rivaan, it happened because of me’. I said as I buried my face in his chest, I could feel that his shirt was wet but I didn't pull away. I didn't want to, it was strange to feel comfort in such pain but I did.

‘No, it didn't’.

‘How do you know, you don't even know what happened.’

‘I don't but I know you okay? I know you wont hurt anyone’.

I pulled away from him but he held my hands in his fist as he caressed my fingers. He was looking directly at me but I just couldn't face him, he wiped my tears with his one and didn't let go of my fingers with his other hand.

‘He is dead because of me, he gave me a kidney and he is dead’.

He shook his head and said, ‘I'm sorry that happened but Tira, you are not at fault here’.

‘It is my fault, he gave his kidney to me and for what? So that they can fail again, everything is wrong with me. If I didn't need that transplant he would still be alive, he wouldn't have to go through that pain. I'm such a failure that I couldn't even keep that kidney working. The only thing I had of him, the thing because of which he died, I destroyed it. I was the one that failed them, it was my fault. You said that you know me but you dont and really don't want you to because soon you would want to forget me.’

I didn't realise that I was sobbing at this point.Rivaan moved closer to me, his hand resting on the nape of my neck, the other gently wiping away my tears with his thumb. In that moment of quiet tenderness, he said nothing as he gazed into my eye and took me his arms, his warm breath caressed my ear as he whispered softly,

‘I know you don't want to believe me, but it is not your fault. You would have done the same for him T, I knew you would have done the same for him and you are not a failure, you are strong , you are resilient and your grandfather is proud of you, Tira you have fought with your sickness and you are healthy now. You are a winner and more than that you are a warrior and I'm proud of you and you are the one person i can never forget and i never will.

I didn't know what these words did to me , I just hugged him as tightly as I could and said ‘thank you , Thankyou Rivaan.’

His words , his presence felt like they filled and cured all my wounds and aches. He felt like life that I would die to live in but unfortunately I can't.. He called me a warrior, except he was so wrong that I felt sorry for him. I'm a failure , i didn't win with my sickness and instead it was eating me alive everyday but i can't let it eat me today cause i don't have a tomorrow, today is all i have and i can't let Rivaan in all this mess, it isn't fair to him so i must have to end it now.