Lower- Ed novel

6. Nowhere

Saturday came along, finally I don't have to see anyone from school. Even though Thursday Night was a tough night, but it payed off when we got A+ on the essay.

I still don't know about what to tell Maggie about Jacob..

I slept in today which was soooo nice but eventually woke up after like 12 hours of sleep to go to work.
I made sure to put more make up on today so Dae-hyun doesn't notice my tiredness again. I slept well today too so I felt more energetic to keep up my play.

I go to work, feeling kinda good about things. Mom and dad have been trying to fix their marriage, andI overhear them talking about how this is for me and JJ, and that they will try harder for the sake of our future. I don't think they'll keep it up...
My weight hasn't changed tho, it's still at 110.
I get in the Cafe, and change into my uniform and the manager gave me my first payment! It wasn't much but i was glad. I see Dae-hyun sitting on one of the tables and studying. Not wanting to disturb him, I just start serving and making coffee.

It started raining suddenly and the window was looking beautiful. I was almost done with my shift. However, it was still pouring outside. I sit down next to Dae-hyun and we chat. He's a very nice person, sometimes he makes me feel like I'm talking to my big brother again. Them both would say stuff like "you can do this" and big brother talk, that made me feel better.

"Do you have finals?" I ask, " yeah :')" he replies, " architecture is only getting harder lol. And so on.
More soaking wet people start coming in then Leo shows up, in his gym shirt pumped up all in rain with black headphones on, obviously he goes to a gym.

I glance away right out and try to cover my face. Dae-hyun laughs at me, "What why are you hiding?".he asks as he turns his gaze trying to see what I was hiding from. "Oh, a boy? You like him?" He teases me, "What? Noooo Pfff" I say, really trying to deny it. When Dae-hyun looked at Leo, Leo saw us too as he took off his headphones, so I obviously wasn't successful at hiding.
He stared at us for a slight minute then continued his way to the cashier. I couldn't help but notice he seemed off, and overwhelmed. He somewhat avoided looking at me too.
I automatically felt gloomy once again and decided to leave the place.
I get up and apologize to Dae-hyun that I have to go.

I feel the rain as I stepped outside. I take out my umbrella and begin walking home. the sky was so dark, just like me..

I hear someone behind me calling my name! I ignore and continue my walking . Although his voice only became stronger, I was stubborn to not answer and I don't even know why. Do i love him even after 6 years? I don't know. Why am I starving myself? I dont know. Why am I trying so desperately to fix everything except my sad soul? I don't know, so stop doing this to me Leo.. stop being so kind..it's only giving me false hope.

"I need to tell you something" I hear him say. I stop and look back at him, seeing him soaked in the rain, out of breath,and his hood on his wet hair, made me want to hug him, nevertheless his overwhelmed expression and sad eyes only made me want to hug him even tighter.
" what is it?" I ask. " I never meant what I said that day, you never gave me the chance to apologize". 

What is he talking about?

" I was a kid, Winter, a foolish kid. I don't know why I even said that, you were my favorite in middle school, I was just too shy and surprised that you asked me to be your boyfriend all of a sudden. I truly apologize.. and I've been wanting to say sorry ever since that day, but you never came back to school. Why do you think i go to this school now?"

Silence filled in as I didn't say anything.
" let me make it up to you, please" he adds with a soft stare.

" you don't have to, cause you didn't do anything wrong..it was I the one that was flawed not you, I'm the one that needs to apologize, for I'm nowhere near your perfection." I say as I looked at the floor walking away & hiding my face once again but in tears, not giving him a chance to finish or continue, because if I stayed one more second, I would break down completely, and it would be embarrassing for me to go through that in front of him.

I go back home and find father and mom making dinner and invite me over. Great
. They point out that I've lost weight too, but it didn't make me happy. It has been about 3 months since I've been restricting hard, and damn it really drains me.

I sit down not saying a word, and eat my vegetables and chicken so I can be done with this and go back to sleep. I'm not going to weigh myself today even. All I could think about is Leo and what I will tell Maggie about Jacob.
I've always cared for Leo, we used to sit together as kids in lunch breaks, and sometimes walk home together too, that's before the world turned ugly.

I excuse myself from the table, and go to the bathroom. As I looked at myself in the mirror all I felt was disappointment and disgust, and with emotions adding up inside me, I suddenly unintentionally threw up in the toilet.

The next day I skipped work and stayed home, alone in the dark.