Lower- Ed novel

11. Donuts

The girls pull me with them making me depart from Leo, and so did his team mates do to him as they kept on teasing Jacob about him having the "balls" to get a new girlfriend on the same day that he dumps one.

Maggie drives us home with music playing in the car, but I tell her to park somewhere further for me as I "wanted to pick up something " when in fact I didn't. The girls tell me good night making me feel "included" and "happy", then drive off.

I asked to be let down at the neighborhood before mine, that looked better and cleaner, I walk home to my apartment as it was 11pm, i started to feel drained for the fact i have had only parts of an apple and some diet coke today, making me almost drag my self home, and keep on thinking about how that "kiss" is going to ruin my progress, and if he's going to say it was a mistake later on. I kept on worrying and worrying the whole way back.

I walk in and find that everyone has fallen asleep except my mom, that was drinking her tea. She notices me and gets up to give me a hug "oh how's my sweet girlll", I chuckle and say "good" thinking about everything that happened. "Well that's good" she states before adding " were there any cute guys? ;)", "What? Pfff noo " I exclaim, but she just raises her eyebrows as If saying yea right, then says "you know that's how me and your dad met each other, I was a cheerleader and he was on the football team, we loved each other so much", "What about now...?" I ask, "I always will love him,  I know it has been difficult lately but.. honey have you been eating?" She replies with a question that killed the whole mode, "yea ofc, I just ate with the girls" I say referring to a half drunken diet coke. She just looks at me and at my body, but thankfully the big jacket was covering it and she couldn't see much, so I tell her before she gets the chance to add more "I'm going to go to bed now, night night mom".

I throw myself on the bed, and hug my jacket for saving the moment, then leave  a kiss on it for that Leo held it today, smelling his remaining cologne on it.

I change and go under the sheets, even tho I'm horribly tired, I couldn't sleep. I open my phone then open Instagram and check my profile and think that I need to upgrade it a little, so I post a new picture of me from today that Maggie took with her high quality phone.

I scroll for a little bit and something catches my eye. A very very thin girl that is basically skin and bones to the point it's disturbing to even look at, but I couldn't take my eyes off. I didn't know the girl personally of course but it seemed like she was a famous model or influencer, so i go to her page and see a bunch of similar pictures and videos triggering me so bad, that made me open the comments that was left to her, some said go get some help, but many many more idolized her, and wished sickly to be like her.

I find a comment that says she 170cm and 40kg, but the units got me confused so I went to see how much that is in American units. She was also 5ft'5 but weighed 88lbs! I couldn't belive it! How someone can be that thin and still be alive. I learned from the fake eating disorder pages commenting something about bmi, that made me rush to calculate hers. It was 13.8, I went in shock! but saw it somewhat sickly beautiful to be able to be that thin yet still alive.

I felt like i was missing out on so much in the eating disorder world which only pushed me into making a fake account like those accounts commenting, with my measurements on it and a fake username in the name of "stick".

My brain was so allert that night with everything that had happened in that same day, it almost made me go crazy, I  could hardly even breath, but eventually fell asleep.

The weekend goes slowly as I go from work to home to work, feeling like I'm about to faint every couple of minutes, and feeling especially hungry today. I haven't seen Leo ever since that day, but he did send me a message seeinb if I'm doing okay and that he'll see me soon, and I lie saying yes.