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Chapter 49- The Office Cabin

Alex  texted me a few times after I tacitly promised Aaron that I won't be seeing him anymore. It ranged from the usual invites to his house, the bar, to most recently even a ski trip. Each time, I made an excuse and shut him down. It was difficult, not that I hadn't done this same exact thing to him many times before but this time it was different because I was essentially being forced to choose my relationship with Aaron over my friendship with Alex. After a while, I guess he started to understand what I was trying to do as he didn't bother to text me again or even ask what was up. I didn't take it to offense. It's what I would've done too. At the end I got what I was hoping to achieve but now that it had finally worked, I hated myself for it. After all the efforts Alex had put in to stay friends, this seemed like the worst betrayal from my side. This also caused a subtle irrational resentment for Aaron to start growing in my heart and ever since, Alex stopped being the only person I actively avoided.

If I had to say it as honestly as I could, I couldn't stand Aaron. I was mentally blaming him for putting me in this tough spot even though some vaguely sane part of me could understand his predicament. There were days he'd come up to my work to bring me flowers or pick me up early to go on a date but I felt no special fondness towards him for his romantic efforts. I even shut him down a few times just like I was doing to Alex. I felt bad but I couldn't help it. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to finally communicate with him for once but there was no way I could tell him what was actually bothering me. My personal relationships were all in turmoil anyway so I chose to shift more of my focus and time towards my work. It was also the one place I felt completely at peace, away from my shared home with Aaron and all the complexities of my relationship with both him and Alex.

However on one particularly busy Wednesday night, while I was in my cabin sorting out our magazines from the past year, someone knocked at the door. It was about 11 pm. There was no one in the building but me and maybe the janitor. The light was kept on only in my cabin but it was quite dim so I couldn't see who it was through the glass. I was positively terrified to answer but I summoned a courageous "yes?" And in walked the man whose last call I hadn't returned in weeks.

"What... are you doing here, and at this time...?" I asked.

"You didn't think I was just going to give up on you after everything, did you?" Alex asked.

I thought he was going to be furious or at least disappointed but he was very composed. The Alex I knew last year wouldn't have put his pride aside to talk things out after being ghosted. The fact that he was standing right there in front of me instead of ignoring me back was a testament to how much he cared and how much he'd changed. I felt relieved that he did not hate me and give up on me like any normal person would have but I also couldn't stand the guilt I felt for what I'd done. It would've, in some fucked up way, been better if he was still the slightly immature self he was a year ago. That way I wouldn't feel like I was the worst person alive. There would be some diffusion of blame.

I didn't know what to tell him but he knew exactly what I needed. He took a few steps closer to me. I was expecting the smell of alcohol as he got closer but he was sober. He smelled of his usual intoxicating cologne and nothing else. I hugged him before he even had the chance to offer it.

"I-" 

"Before you begin to frantically explain yourself, let me just tell you I'm not mad at you. I know you. You wouldn't have done it if you didn't have a good enough reason. Or so I hope."

"What if I didn't?" 

"I will have made a fool out of myself, but that's fine." He smiled.

"I ended up telling Aaron about us. I just couldn't lie to him after having been with him since last year."