Tokyo Puts on Fake Smiles

NINETEENTH ACT: Scorned

Polar Candor

I walked in silence, following him.

I never had issues with my appearance. When I started high school and realized the boys didn't treat me like a girl, I simply assumed I wasn't the "girliest" girl. I kept my hair messy and short, above my shoulders, for a long time.

But when I moved and got a job at an office, where everyone showed up well-and-genteel-dressed. I had to trim my hair and avoid overly voluminous updos. I let my hair grow out, and abandoned the deep necklines.

And although I never had problems with my appearance, seeing myself in the Osaka shop windows stirred something inside me. Every morning, in the bathroom, I tortured myself wondering if I was already as beautiful as Makoto's girlfriend.

But after two months of living with Kazuhiro, seeing myself in the mirror stopped hurting, because to him, I was always beautiful. With makeup, without makeup, with messy hair or an elaborate updo—I was always beautiful. Even freshly awake, lying on his lap, I was beautiful.

He wanted to take away my fear of rejection. I wanted to feed his fear of commitment.

After two years, Kazuhiro was the only thing that haunted my mind every morning.

☻☻☻

I tossed and turned in bed for hours and hours. My restlessness had finally subsided, and everything seemed back to normal.

But in the early hours of Saturday, I couldn't stop wondering if I'd done the right thing, because seven hours away from meeting Manami and the others to look for a wedding dress, I began to regret it.

I sighed, turned over one last time, facing my desk. On it, a beautiful red guitar rested. Its shine called out to me.

Won't I wake Kazuhiro? I wondered.

"But Ayumi, you want me now," I murmured.

I thought about it for a few moments before shaking my head. I can't be with you now, it's late, and Kazuhiro is asleep, I replied.

"It doesn't matter, you need me now, you know it," I whispered again.

Smiling, I uncovered myself and got out of bed. "I've gone completely crazy," I thought out loud.

Scratching my head, I quietly approached the desk, took the guitar in my hands, sat in the chair, gently pulled the drawer handle, took out the tuning fork, placed it on the neck of the guitar, and plucked the strings, afraid of waking Kazuhiro.

☻☻☻

Fatigue got the better of me, and after barely twenty minutes and multiple head nods, I ended up returning to bed. I collapsed onto the mattress face-down and slept for a few hours.

When I woke up, still tired, I took a black sweater and a red pleated skirt from the closet, got dressed, and walked to the bathroom, where I pulled my toiletry bag from the top shelf.

Yawning in front of the mirror, I rummaged through the bag until I found my concealer.

"So early in the morning?"

Hearing the sound of his voice, muffled by footsteps, I turned around. As usual, Kazuhiro came to greet me, dressed in a black wool vest, a shirt underneath, and dress pants decorated with chains. It was clear from the perfect wave in his bangs that he had just done his hair.

Smiling, I turned back to the mirror. I opened the concealer, and carefully applied it around my ear. But then, just as I was about to finish blending the last part near the corner of my right eye, it hit me. Today... I don't have the day off!