bumblebee's journey (book 1)

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Bumblebees pov:

"HOW THE FRAG COULD SOMETHING THAT NEARLY CAUSED ME TO BLOW YOUR HELM OFF EVER BE A GOOD THING" I shouted. Ratchet looked a stunned at my sudden out burst but realization suddenly set in his optics. "I'm sorry it was only a thought" he apologized and I felt bad for yelling. "ratchet I'm sorry I ....didn't mean that" I said trying to give a apology back. He turned his helm away and waved his server for a 'all good' and for me to leave the tent. My door wings dropped and I stormed out the tent angry at myself for what I had just done. He had only been trying to help and I pushed him away just like everyone else. I nearly ran into highfire on my way out who was talking to cascade. "Hey bee yo-" I cur him off not wanting to talk to anyone. "not now" I said and looked around the raged camp for something to do. I settled on just leaving the camp and going for a drive to clear my mind. I walked slowly towards the entrance letting the cool cybertronian wind blow over my frame.

I got to the entrance of the camp before I transformed and slowly started to dive. How I hated it everything ,megatron taking my family then my best friend, finding out my town was gone, hurting the bots who cared for me even if I didn't want it, being the cause highfire can't fly, having one of the few bots I trusted betray me to the bots who made my life pits of kayon. I speed up each time I thought of something different. Soon I was racing blasting past confused bots and raged scrap piles or old battle fields. I came to a screeching stop at the edge of the sea of rust. I transformed looking over the edge and thinking one bot makes one small slip and there will be nothing to bury at the funeral. I took a few steps back sitting on a flat metal rock with smaller ones around it looking out over the rust colored mass. "primes why must I suffer"

 I whispered to the wind. I hugged my knees tightly up to my chassis and rapped my arms around them. I thought back to when the allspark had let me see my family one last time before they were hone forever. It was a fond memory but it brought the saddens of missing the So much. I could never be fully happy with them gone or without stormchaser. I thought about leaving again even though I was a autobot and promised highfire I wouldn't but I seemed like as long as I was around something bad happens to those around me. sure there were some good that I caused like stopping shocksplit from leaving or when I helped rainshot and highfire got together but those were small. all I could think about was how I hurt everyone. 

I could feel my spark beat faster in my chassis. 'everyone you care for is going to die' 'you mean nothing to them' they ranted on and on and I couldn't stop them 'your just a burden' 'its your fault there dead' 'no one ever truly loved you' the thoughts raced endlessly in my mind and my breath coming in quick shallow gasps. my door wings pressed against my back and I covered my helm with my arms pressing it to my knees. 'your a fool' 'worthless' I didn't try and stop them anymore I just tried to block them out but it was no use 'you will be lonely forever' 'they just took pity on you' I could feel the fear creeping into my spark and my mind racing with insults and terror. 'weak' 'you can't control it' 'your nothing' 'you cant even remember your past' 'your just another failed experiment' I could feel the coolent run down my face. I could barely breath and felt my spark tighten. 

I felt a servor put on my shoulder I wiped around and jumped away unsure of who it was my mind was clouded with fear and the savage thoughts. my vision blurred by the coolant and my spark racing i didn't know who was in front of me. i activated my cannon and amed in the general direction. "bumblebee it my highfire" i shook my helm, wiped the coolent from my face and deactivated my cannon. i looked at my worried friends standing in front of me.  cascade, rainshot, and highfire. i quickly turned away embarrassed by being caught. some of the thoughts still going though my mind and my spark still racing. my door wings still pressed flat against my back. i was angry, sad, and confused. "bee" i heard rainshot ask behind me. "i-im fine" i stammered out knowing i wasn't. "no your not let us help" cascade pushed. i dident know what it was but i didn't want it i .......... couldn't tell them. "im FINE" i said trying to get them to leave. 

the coolent was still wet on my face while my spark refused to slow down. i felt my frame shack and my breaths only deepened a very small amount. "no your not just let us help you" highfire pushed it only made me more determined not to but it was also soothing. i was unsure of what to do i couldn't face them. i let myself slump to the ground with my knees pressed to my chassis and my arms on my helm. i shook my helm trying to clear the thoughts and my mind. 'please just go away' i begged myself. i closed my optics and shook my helm harder but nothing changed. "hey it's ok" I heard the reassuring voice of rainshot and her tiny frame sit down beside me and let her servor lay gently on my back. I looked up at her and saw the caringness in her optics. I almost felt like I could be lost forever in her deep blue gaze.  

rainshots pov:

I watched as highfire and cascade talked outside of the med tent. highfire started to walk in when bee came bustling out bursting with rage. "hey bee yo-" bumblebee cut him off a sharp tone in his voice. highfire walked over to me instead along with cascade they both had a concerned look on there faces. "what happened" i asked they both looked like they didn't know the answer. "i don't know he just stormed off" i looked back to where bee was walking he stopped for a moment before heading to the exit of the camp. he transformed driving off. "is it just me or has he seemed distant lately" highfire said moving closer to me. "yeah i knew he still misses his family but i never thought it was still that bad do you think that's what it is" i said remembering how much we worked for him to stay. "should we follow him" cascade asked looking at us. i felt it in my spark something was wrong i know it. 

"i don't know he seemed like he didn't want anyone to talk to him" cascade said nervously shifting his peds. "my spark says something wrong and I'm going to trust it" I said and started walking to the exit. "I'm coming to if something is really wrong I don't want him to............ Hurt you" he said pausing. I knew it pained him to say that but it was the truth and he knew it to. "Im not going to leave him either" Cascade said following us. "Let's go" I said transforming and waiting for Cascade to transform to let highfire ride. I had never told anyone but I actually found it kinda cute when he did that. I gave a internal laugh and head off but I couldn't shake the feeling in my spark that something was wrong.