I Called You Mine

You'll be alright

Riley's POV

I knew Emma was trouble. She made a deal with Blake that they'd kill themselves as a plan B if they hated the way they looked after surgery? I don't feel like I can get Blake to truly understand that she will be alright. I'm finding it hard to love her when she is thinking about leaving the mortal world behind. I've told her so many times that this surgery won't change her, and I am starting to pray to God that she will hear it as the truth when it's spoken from my lips instead of one of her doctors. I don't know how to tell if she's taking it as fact or if I've already lost her. I have five months to prove to Blake that she should stay alive, but I am almost certain something bad will happen, just the probability. I have a feeling that one little bad thing can take my pessimist girlfriend away from me. 

"Relax Riley, I'm not going to do it." Blake tells me for the thousandth time. It's been a week since she told me about the death pact. I want to trust her, I really do, but I've learned that you never trust someone again after they tell you they have a plan. 

"Why did you even want to?" I ask, also for the thousandth time. I'm really trying to understand but I don't. 

"What if I don't recognize myself in the mirror?" Blake says, "Appearances aren't everything but they still mean a lot." 

I start listing out the parts I love about Blake that won't change after surgery. Blake tells me to relax. I can't relax though, we're having this conversation on her roof. I'm clinging onto her arm, knowing she wouldn't dare take me to death with her. She's safe as long as our arms are together. Though I can see in her eyes she wishes I trusted that she wasn't going to do it. I don't know if it will ever be the same, knowing she thinks she'll change after surgery. It makes me wonder if she would, her last surgery was the summer between third and fourth grade, a bone graft. Nobody noticed a difference in her physical appearance, and maybe that's why she didn't change as a person that summer. What if she is right, that this surgery will change who she is. It's irrational, but if she believes it, there must be some kind of truth to it. Blake is clearly closed off about this, but maybe Emma will say something. I make a mental note to ask her why Blake might believe this. 

Izzy comes home telling me all about her new friend Harper, the deaf girl in her preschool class. I'm surprised learning the sign language alphabet had an effect when she doesn't know how to spell, but apparently it did. They didn't use fingerspelling to communicate, but when Harper saw Izzy making an effort to be friends with her, they found a way. I feel proud of my baby sister, I taught her that.

"We're gonna be best friends forever because we both like yellow." Izzy says. I doubt a preschool friendship will last, but the optimist in me is telling me that it will. I should be optimistic more often, maybe that will get Blake to stop thinking seriously about the death pact she made with Emma (still can't believe they made a pact to die, I mean?) 

"Yeah I bet" I say

"The teacher says I'm special I made friends with someone different." Izzy says. I don't understand why the teacher would say that though. Everyone is different, anyone could have tried to befriend Harper. I think one of the teachers said something similar to me when I became friends with Blake. I cringe inside thinking about it. That is one of the problems with society, telling kids they're special or that they are heroes for being nice to someone different. It should just be a given that people are nice to each other, one of the best parts of the Bible is "love thy neighbor." It's simple really.

Speaking of people who are not nice and are over rewarded for being nice to people, my biological father. It's been eight days since I sent the letter and he has now sent me a letter back telling me that he knows he made the right decision staying out of my life. It should hurt but it doesn't, the letter actually seems kinda funny if I picture a thirty year old man throwing a tantrum while writing it. Of course, the words are still very hurtful so I want to keep the letter out of my mom's hands, because I know she'll cry if she sees it. She won't imagine the overgrown toddler, she will read every word as it is. I want to know more about this man, things that my mom will likely never tell me. I know I could read her old journals, but it's not right to do it, I already did it once. I could give my mom the letter and ask "was he always like this?" I know it might hurt her, but she is a strong woman. This can't be the straw that breaks the camel's back. 

When I go up to Mom and ask her, she hesitates, turning the letter in her hands. There is a tear in her eye. "He was" she says, "I only dated him because I thought my parents wouldn't like it. I should've known they were right." I look at her gazing into the distance. Is she imagining a life where she listened to her parents? Where I was never born? From my snooping in her journals, I know she would never have listened to them because they didn't listen to her concerns about her uncle. I pretend that life is plausible for her, so she doesn't know what I know.

Blake's POV

I shouldn't have told Riley about the death pact. She doesn't trust me anymore, she thinks I'm going to do it. The way she clung to me when we were sitting out on the roof, I felt that she loved me but I wished she didn't. I don't really know what I meant by that wish, because I don't want her to break up with me, I just want her to be able to let go. I don't know what I wanted of her, so I just start writing a list of why I should live. 

1. If I die, my family will fall apart 

2. Riley loves me, and I don't want to hurt her

3. Emma might follow me to the grave

4. I have to spite some people from elementary school 

5. What's the point of getting high school credit for my algebra class if I don't graduate high school?

6. I have a will to live

Six reasons are more than one, but what if the one reason is so all encompassing. The reason to die is that I might not be me after surgery? How do I weigh all these reasons?

"Stop it Blake, you will be alright. You have to be." I tell myself. It just stirs fear in me, I'm scared that I won't be okay. I'm so scared. I just don't let it show, because I know I don't have a choice in getting this surgery. I mean, technically I do but it's all an illusion. 

I look up at the sky and say one of the first prayers I've said since my mom died. "Dear God." I say. It's less of a prayer than a request, than begging. "Let me be okay. Please bless Dr. Williams as he performs the surgery. Bless..." I don't know what to say, I just know that I should ask for blessings. That's how prayer works, but I don't need blessings. I need someone to tell me I will be okay. I need to feel my mom's love again. I could settle for a blessing though. "Bless me. In Jesus' name I pray, amen." It's a very crappy prayer, but I haven't prayed in a while. I never liked church when I was younger and then when Mom died we stopped going because being religious was her thing. 

I stay on my knees for a little bit, and while I'm on my knees Cameron comes in. "Why are you praying?" He asks

"How do you know I'm praying? What if I'm trying to summon the devil?" I say, even though it's very obvious I'm not trying to summon a devil.

"I heard you mumbling something and then you said amen." Cameron says, "you've been acting strange ever since Emma came over." 

I sigh, "I wish you were a stereotypical oblivious boy." 

"What were you praying for?" Cameron asks 

"Why do you care?" I say, trying to keep my recent thoughts secret. Riley is treating me different, I don't want my brothers to. 

"I don't actually I just want to know." He says 

"Go away" I say.