I Called You Mine

Break me down

Riley's POV

After the mess that was dinner with a random boy, my mom asks me "Is that really the best you can do?"

I couldn't be more offended. I ask her "What do you mean?" I immediately regret it, as my mom begins to list everything she thinks is wrong with me. My cheeks are too rosy, my chest is too small, I'm heavier than she was at her high school graduation (and she graduated at 20 with a four year old), I complain too much, etc. 

At least I have thick skin, I don't even cry when she says these things anymore. I don't believe most of them, but my own mother treating me like this makes me think I'm unlovable. Maybe people can tolerate me as a friend, but nobody can ever love me. I never share my thoughts because otherwise my mom will gaslight me into believing she never said those things. She'd point to my baby sister Izabel, so little she doesn't even know what's going on. I hope that she'll never know a life like this, especially not now at only two years old.

"What do you want me to do about it?" I ask, "go on a celery water detox until all my problems go away?"

"If it will make you better" she says. Those words sting, and I didn't think she'd say that. I'm trying to prove a point, not state actual possibilities.

"You got pregnant with me under the bleachers of the high school I'm going to next year and you want me to be perfect?" I say. We're not yelling, since my stepdad is putting my little sister to sleep, but you can feel the tension beating down on you like the July heat at noon. 

"People judge me all the time for getting pregnant at fifteen, I don't want my kids to be proof I'm a bad mother" she says, "Suck in your stomach and quit complaining because I had a much worse childhood. You could have been an incest baby." 

"Our childhoods were both shitty" I say, "You can't even comment on mine because you were never there until you met your sugar daddy!" 

"Your stepfather is not my sugar daddy" she says

"He's twice your age almost" I say, "You poked a hole in his condom so you'd get pregnant and he'd marry you!"

"Why would I have another child when I didn't even want you?" She says, "I never did that"

Like I told you, gaslighting. "You told me you were going to do that, it was my ninth birthday present from you!" I say, "A little sibling, flower girl duties, a permanent place in his house, and guaranteed financial stability! You miscarried four times but you got there in the end."

"Go to your room" she says, "Don't ever bring up your angel siblings again."

Blake's POV

My team visit is tomorrow. I hate going to the doctor because they always make me feel insecure. I was born with a cleft lip and palate, so I have a craniofacial team that's supposed to fix me up with surgeries and strange devices. When my mom was alive she'd tell me how I started looking drastically different in third grade. According to her I "just didn't have that spark" I used to have. I never told her it was because third grade was the year I realized that my cleft was why I was getting bullied. I never told anyone that the pamphlets for clefts they were handing with such joy out was the reason I thought nobody could love me as more than their charity friend. Luckily, third grade was the year I met Riley. If I had met Riley any later, I wouldn't have been such good friends with her. I'm terrified of her finding out how I feel about her because then I'll have never have another friend like her. She knows so much about me that she could destroy me on a whim. I don't think she would, but I didn't think my other "friends" would hurt me, so you never really know. 

The only real pro of going to Scottish-Rite is DaVinci's donuts. They taste like Publix birthday cake but come in more flavors. They are tiny so you can convince dad to let you eat four (especially me, since I'm the youngest and also went to a 4-in-1 doctors' appointment), and a dozen at DaVinci's is sixteen. The most annoying part of going to a team visit is waiting for each individual doctor. My record time was when I was eleven which was only two hours. I cannot sleep at all tonight because I'm anxious about the visit. I don't know why, it's not like they do anything really except talk about how to fix me up. When I can't sleep before a surgery it's either because my mouth is dry and I'm not allowed to drink, or because I'm excited for one of my "problems" to be fixed. Maybe air quotes is unnecessary, but I feel like the majority of my surgeries only give me cosmetic benefits, and my looks aren't really a problem. 

The next morning is Friday, team visit day. We're running late because my dad got lost since he has never driven this way and underestimated the amount of traffic from our house to CHOA. He's stressing about it, but I know it's no big deal. If you don't get the first appointment, which he didn't, the doctors get backed up too. They get carried away with making the craniofacial kids feel insecure about themselves. Nobody really bullies me about my cleft like in third and fourth grade, so I don't know why my doctors still do.

"Why are you turning here?" I ask

"I thought this was the hospital" Dad says

"Yeah, but the appointments are in the building next to the hospital" I say

"Then why do you call it the hospital?" He asks, "This is the dentist and orthodontists' office."

 I shrug. "Saying 'the building next to the hospital' doesn't seem right"

Most of the appointment is just waiting. The speech person comes in and looks at my jaw and says something about my speech and jaw surgery. The dentist and orthodontist want me to get in their chair so I leave the exam room and they look at my teeth, count them, tell me about my cross bite and my underbite. The usual stuff from them, nothing that makes me feel too bad about myself. Maybe a weird comment like "don't you want to bite into an apple?" even though I am very capable of doing so as I am. The insecurities come from Dr. Williams, my and many others' plastic surgeon. He starts talking about my jaw, and gets really excited about potentially doing a distraction now instead of double jaw surgery later. I think the distraction is better because I won't have my mouth wired shut for two weeks, but Dr. Williams seems to only care that I could do it now. My dad agrees with me verbally, but I sense that he secretly agrees with Dr. Williams too.

Stay strong I tell myself don't cry 

Now Dr. Williams is talking about nose and lip revision, which is new. I thought lip revision was optional, I've always hated people talking about how they struggled with having a cleft when you can't tell they ever had one. I don't want to be one of those people! Even though my cleft is my greatest insecurity, I wouldn't recognize the girl in the mirror without it. I'm fine with another nose job so I can breathe out of my nose for once, but don't take my lip scar away from me! I don't say what I think out loud, because my dad is smiling with Dr. Williams.

Is it because you think I'm happy or because you're happy I'll look better? 

I guess I'll never know.