I Called You Mine

The void

Riley's POV

I wake up way too early on Wednesday morning because Izzy jumped on top of me and her knee felt like a dagger to my stomach. I don't make a noise to show how painful her wake up was, but luckily she understands by looking at my face I will end her if she ever does that again.

"I'm sorry Riley" Izzy mumbles

"Why are you even up?" I ask her.

"Sleeping is too boring" she says. I make a note to myself that putting Izzy down for a nap when I'm tired of dealing with her has unforeseen consequences later when she doesn't sleep through the night.

"Why did you wake me up?" I ask

"I don't want to be alone with the wall monsters." She says. There's real fear in her voice, but I don't point out how ridiculous the idea of wall monsters is. She's only two, I can't expect someone who just woke me up at four A.M. by jumping on me to know what is and isn't rational. "They come from the void." Izzy says. I don't know why Izzy knows what a void is, but I just keep nodding while she plays with her toys on the floor of her room. I'm too tired to do anything else. "You be a volcano" she demands.

"How do I be a volcano?" I ask. Izzy acts like it's obvious by flailing her arms around and saying "lava." I must say, there's real potential there.

When I show up to the bus stop already dead inside Blake asks me why I look like I'm dead inside. I resist taking the easy way out by stating the obvious "because I am" and instead say "I was protecting Izzy from the wall monsters and being a volcano. Don't ask, I won't answer."

Six hours of sleep is not enough to function after three hours of being a volcano. I don't know how Izzy didn't get bored at all during those three hours, maybe I'm just such an engaging volcano. This would've been a win if it was any other time of day. The bus makes a sound, I wake up and realize I slept on Blake's shoulder the whole ride to school and she didn't try to wake me up. I open my mouth to say something but Blake interrupts.

"I know fifteen minutes isn't much but you needed it" She says, "I know Izzy can be a bit much." I don't tell Blake that she doesn't know how much of a handful Izzy can be, she's only babysat her with me a few times. I just awkwardly smile because I don't know how to respond. It's sweet that she let me sleep on her, but I feel so vulnerable sleeping in front of other people. She should know that from the sleepovers we've been to. It lingers in my head as we go through the metal detectors and to our first period classes. I'm overthinking this, Blake meant it as a sweet gesture, I should treat it as one.

I then remember how Blake is doing all these things to show that she loves me and all I do in response is kiss her thank you. It doesn't feel like it measured up to a real thank you, but I don't know how to make a gesture that Blake would appreciate. It's November, so most of the flowers are dead, and I couldn't thank her with a dead flower. There has to be other ways but my brain is too tired to think of one. My thoughts linger on the subject for the rest of the day. It's all I can do to not fall asleep, think about something that I can't sleep thinking about.

Blake's POV

I have a lot on my mind as I stare into the void of my Chromebook screen after finishing my math work. I googled the surgery Dr. Williams is saying I'm getting in June, and it's scary to see. Moving my upper jaw forward an entire inch with screws over three weeks and an overnight hospital stay at first, it's definitely the most major surgery I've had since my palate and lip repairs. That's way in the future though, the end of eighth grade seems as if it's years from now. Yet I know it's not, and the second I start dreading something time will start moving so much faster. So I count the exciting things between now and June that should keep time in balance. The Disney trip, eighth grade week, Patriot Games, Christmas, Lemonade Days. Plenty of things will make the surgery feel far enough away that I can forget about it. For now.

Then there's Riley, and our relationship. I can't tell if she appreciates my attempts at romantic gestures because she hasn't returned them with anything more than a few kisses. Maybe she knows I won't like a gesture like I think I will. Still, I kind of want something from her, a flower seems bare minimum to me right now. It's not a deal breaker though, and I think if I broke up with her over this I'd lose her as a friend too. It's such a small thing to fuss over, but it matters to me. I feel like my thoughts are in a game of tug of war, one of those really good ones with the dead stops or great comebacks. I shouldn't even be giving it this much thought but now I need something to come forward as the good idea. The bell rings, taking me back to reality.

On the bus ride home Riley falls asleep again. I take it as a thank you because it shows that she feels safe with me. I remember how vulnerable she felt sleeping with other people in the room on sleepovers. The relationship isn't entirely one sided, so I think everything might turn out okay. My thoughts shift back to the surgery, specifically about how different I will look. I'm scared that after I've finally found that the girl in the mirror is pretty, I'll feel like a shell of myself without that confidence. I know that it will make me feel worse but theoretically look better and make it easier to breathe and eat. Is it all worth it? I don't know, but why should I ask that question? It's all decided already.