I Called You Mine

This will never change

Riley's POV

Turns out I worried about the wrong parent. My mom couldn't care less, but my stepdad on the other hand, absolutely pissed. I told them Monday morning right before leaving for school because that way, I had an escape if my mom blew up. I slept on the running away idea and decided that it would be my last resort, but still a real possibility. 

My stepdad started yelling at me and then my mom came to my defense. My parents started yelling at each other and Izzy woke up. I will never forget the look on her face when she saw me leave. She waved at me so happily and carefree that I wondered what she experienced while I was at school to make her think that was normal. I knew in that moment that Izzy didn't need me, Izzy would find a way to get through it. I flipped off my stepdad and ran like my life depended on it.

 I packed extra things in my backpack just in case. Now I'm standing next to Blake at the bus stop out of breath. I don't know when I'll go back home, because I know I can't stay away too long. Blake looked over and knew immediately, and squeezed my hand. 

"You can stay at my house tonight" she says.

"I'm going to have to tell your dad why we're having a sleepover on a school night." I say, "and the way he was screaming I don't think this will be a one night thing."

"He?" Blake says, surprised, "Your stepdad was the one who got angry?"

I nod as tears begin to cloud my vision thinking of my stepdad, the only father figure I've ever had, who has let so much slide, yet couldn't accept his gay stepdaughter. He never really cared about me as much as he did Izzy, but he wasn't mean to me. He just let me do anything I wanted and he wouldn't bat an eye. 

The bus comes to pick us up, and when we get to school I immediately go to coach Stowe's room. She tells me to go to the gym, where eighth graders are supposed to wait for the first bell to ring. I know she says this because she comes early to plan, but she'll put it on hold to talk to you if you come in crying. She's a better counselor than Ms. McQueen, the actual eighth grade counselor. 

I sit in her classroom and tell her about my morning. She tells me about how her stepdad reacted when she came out. Eventually, her stepdad came to accept her. It gives me hope to talk to her, but in her story it took years. I have to go home soon, I can't wait years, because even though I said Izzy would make it through, she doesn't need to grow up in chaos. I lived in chaos for eleven years, my mom gave her all to make sure that Izzy and I had as much stability as possible. I feel guilty for all of this, even though I didn't choose to be gay I chose to come out. 

In one month, I will be fourteen. I'm young and dumb, I just ran away from home, I don't have much besides my best friend and my fear. My walls of reality are crumbling, I remind myself of how Blake was when she lost her mom. The lack of stability, crying on the inside and joking on the outside. It feels wrong to compare this to someone's death, because I could go home, but a dead person can't be reincarnated. Yet, when I go home, it won't be the same. My parents' roles will reverse, with my mom being more laid back and my stepdad being angry at me. Maybe I'll go home and divorce will be on the table. 

"I just don't know what to do" I tell Blake at lunch. "How long do you think I can stay? You're all I have." 

Blake's POV

I didn't think Riley was actually committing to the whole "running away" thing because she's threatened to so many times that I stopped believing she would. Now Riley is having a mental breakdown at school because she doesn't know what to do, and I don't know why she thinks I have a better plan. We are equally stupid, even if we're both "gifted" according to the state of Georgia, I can only offer her a place at my house for a night or two if I stretch it. Two school-night sleepovers is a huge ask, even if my birthday is this weekend. 

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, "I never thought about running away, if I wanted to leave my family I thought about dying."

Riley's head snaps up and I know I said too much. "You want to die?" She asks, a hint of fear in her voice. I didn't mean anything by it, because doesn't everyone think about dying once in a while? A few suicidal thoughts are normal...right? 

"No!" I say quickly, "just a normal amount, like once or twice a month? I've been thinking about it less and less..." I mumble.

"You're not supposed to want to die!" Riley says, "it's just supposed to be something that happens! Why do you even want to die your life is perfect!"

"My life isn't perfect, my mom is dead. The reasonable strictness in her was my stability when you weren't next to me. There will always be a hole where she used to be, and don't say that your father leaving you is equal because you never knew him." I say, "she seemed happy but she wasn't, and pretty people are supposed to have good lives. If being pretty doesn't fix my problems then I don't want to live."

Riley is shocked that I think about death sometimes, which makes me feel uncomfortable. Alienated in a new way. I dwell on it for the rest of the day, how long I've thought these things and a possible reason why. Then it hits me, a vivid memory of third grade I keep buried in my subconscious. 

In an elementary school classroom, the teacher announces a partner project. A nine-year-old Blake stands at the front of the class, one of the last two kids with no partner. Blake notices the other partnerless kid and walks towards him, assuming that he'll accept. Instead, he says one thing that scarred young Blake forever. 

"I'd rather die than be partners with the deformed girl." The boy who says it never gets in trouble for it, giving Blake a cruel introduction to the unjust justice system. Blake breaks down crying and her teacher lets her go cry in the bathroom. From that point on, Blake was scared of taking up space, wanted so badly to be pretty but was scared of not recognizing herself. 

The self hatred these ideas are rooted in began years ago, but I only started to consider death when I saw my mom die. When I saw that even pretty people have problems that seem unfixable, I lost hope. I tell Riley the whole story right as we're about to go to sleep, and she moves from the floor into my bed. With her next to me, my heart starts to flutter with equal parts nervousness and love for her.