Spinning Out || w o o s a n ||

❄6❄

Wooyoung wakes up surrounded by darkness. His heart is racing for some reason and his hands are ice cold despite being tucked underneath a very warm blanket, with a very warm and soft person hugging him tightly. His forearms hurt and as he stretches his right one upwards, white bandages wrap it gently. What has he done to himself again? His mind is a blur of events, a carnival of images and words and feelings. He remembers keeping himself locked inside this very room, away from people, with Seonghwa sometimes bringing him some warm soup or tea, with Mingi checking up on him and cuddling him at night when he needed it. He felt at ease, at least just a little, but weakness made itself present deep inside him whole body.

But this mixed episode was different than the rest of them. As much as Wooyoung hates them, as much as he's afraid of them, as much as he wishes to have a full manic one than have a mixed one, this episode was quite chill. He didn't sleep four night in a row, yet the burst of energy was indeed different than in a manic episode. It didn't take so long for him to fall back into weakness, it didn't take much to make his brain turn against him, to curse at him, to make him feel like a miserable monster who should not be alive at all. It all took one single word, pathetic, and San's voice as he said it that one afternoon. He felt the episode reaching him before their interaction in the back yard, but once that word reached his ears, reached his mind and sent a painful punch in his gut, Wooyoung knew, just then, that he was done for. He is a pathetic mother fucker, he is a pathetic monster and now, as he stares at his bandaged arm, all he can think of is how weak he must be, to never manage to make the cut, to freak out in the last moment, to mutilate himself. And for what? Just so he can keep on living like this?

He's so tired, so fucking tired of this and indeed, all he wanted few hours ago was to sleep, to close his eyes, and wake up never if it was possible.

At one thirty in the night, Wooyoung's mind is slowly clearing up. He sees random images and sequences, just the usual once he is out of an episode. At least it didn't last a full week, at least he is slowly recovering from it and by the time Seonghwa and Mingi come back from their press interview for the blonde haired figure skater, he'll be back on his feet, ready to get back to his routines and Quad Axel. He glances to his right, where Yeosang has his face buried in the crook of his neck. He vaguely remembers the front door being opened, him sitting down on the floor, with that unsharpened knife in his hands, with blood everywhere. He barely felt the pain in that very moment, and maybe it was because he found himself all alone in the dark apartment that it all became very overwhelming all of a sudden. Seonghwa was gone, Mingi was gone, and he was left alone with his own thoughts and being. He was too much for himself, way too much and panic filled him in an instant, scratching at his brain and chest painfully, screaming at him, asking him why he was still breathing.

But then a soft light reached his eyes in that darkness that surrounded him. He wasn't paying much attention, but he was scared of the outcome once Yeosang's soft and worried voice reached his ears. His best friend was here, he was going to see him all bloody again. Footsteps, two pairs of them, roamed around the apartment. Then a strong light blinded him, he whimpered, Yeosang knelt down next to him, crying silently, then someone else, someone he did not expect to see so early, showed his face. He really thought Jongho came along, but when his peripheral vision spotted that well known red color he usually dreamed of, it was as if life punched him in the guts all of a sudden.

What is San doing here? He remembered thinking. Is it even San? Am I dreaming?

But it was San, in flesh and bones, looking down at him as if in a trance. Through the wetness of his own eyes, he managed to see San's own teary face. Why is he crying? Why is he here? Why is he not leaving like he did seven years ago?

Wooyoung blinks the images away. There's no way in this hell of a life San spent the night, there's not even the possibility of him being here. He must have imagined it, he must have dreamed it, maybe these are made up images, because his heart is aching and longing for this man at the same time. Why is it longing for San? There is nothing between them. He is nothing to Wooyoung and Wooyoung believes this to be true. He cannot see him as the boy whom he grew up with, he cannot see him as someone who was so dear to him. He needs to see San as a stranger, nothing more, nothing less.