Spinning Out || w o o s a n ||

❄3❄

Gray lines of fresh smoke dance their way around the room, upwards, towards the ceiling, to the side, towards the open window. It's cloudy today, signs of an imminent snow being very noticeable. Wooyoung lays down in the middle of his bed, cigarette between his lips, smoke blown out of his lungs softly. He hears a car drive past his window, then a crow screaming somewhere in a tree. The cold air wraps around his body like a blanket. Some days have passed since his short unwanted interaction he had with San, he lost count of them truthfully, but by the fact that his ankle doesn't even hurt anymore, some days must have passed indeed. The bruise still lingers, soft shades of purple and green and yellow drawing at his pale skin.

He tries not to think too much of it, but he snapped when he shouldn't have in the first place. San was right, he is a cold asshole, a heartless motherfucker, a worthless man. He didn't say those words to him, but the raven haired know he must think them. He's not worthy, he's just a crazy man on a long journey to madness. Wooyoung considers himself to be mad, most of the time. He takes the meds, yes, they are effective, yes, they don't make him feel like a rotten vegetable either, yes, but he still is a mad man. Episodes can happen easily and ever since San reappeared in his life, he's been feeling on edge. He's scared, of something that might reach him sooner than he thought, and it's not the reunion with an old friend as the older calls it. He doesn't want to acknowledge him, he pretends San is not real, that he doesn't exist most of the time and ever since that interaction, San never approached him again.

Maybe the threat of being stabbed in the throat with a blade scared him off. It's good, he should be scared, he should know not to get on his nerves by calling him names.

There were times Wooyoung couldn't make the difference between what was real and what was not, that is why he got locked up for a few weeks until the treatment started working and he got past the rotten vegetable state. Those were some dark days, filled with madness and fear.

There was a time he didn't even think he would wake up from his manic episodes. They used to be quite aggressive, mostly to himself but to others too. Especially after San left those years ago, he suddenly remembers how harsh they got. He wouldn't sleep for days if not more than a whole week, he would not eat, he would find himself in situations one of his status should not be in the first place. He started doing drugs at some point, so he would forget about it, but they didn't make things better. He stopped taking his medication at first, he hated being useless and without energy, he hated the idea of wanting to do nothing, so drugs did the trick for a while. Some brought a fake wave of happiness in his chest, they blurred his mind, killed his rotten thoughts, gave him some strength. But what he was not realizing, was that because of them, his episodes turned horrifying and when a mixed one arrived with loud knocks at his doors, he did not even hear it coming.

He's most afraid of the mixed episodes. He can deal with a depressive one, it's hard but with a little bit of mental force, he can get up and train a little. Usually when they come, he tells Seonghwa in advance so he can be prepared. He's not the typical depressed man, but there is a disgusting lack of desire drowning his bones and mind, a lack of appetite too, a lack of desire to live. Manic episodes are decent now too, especially after his mother left his life. He doesn't really sleep when they come, but he uses them for training. He's energetic, doesn't feel any kind of pain whatsoever and he learnt how to control them. He used to be one pain in the ass few years ago, he would drink, smoke, get high despite taking his meds regularly; he even disappeared for a couple of days once, with a random guy he met at a club. He was not supposed to go clubbing, not when he was this ill. If he thinks of it now, all he sees is a broken young man who just got his heart shattered by his own hand. He needed comfort, most probably, which lacked since San was no longer part of his life.

Still, mixed episodes are the worst. He never managed to control one, they're very harsh on him, especially when triggered when his mind is quite calm. Every time he got one, he almost killed himself. They're always self centered; the anger and agitation he feels in a normal manic episode is shot towards himself, the despair and lack of will to live is shot at himself. His brain is too much for him, his body is too much for him, everything is so overwhelming and all he wants is to go quickly. The hate he has for himself grows bigger in those few days and they are so hard to live.