Spinning Out || w o o s a n ||

❄10❄

For the first time in weeks, there are barely some clouds up on the sky. The sun is finally out, casting cold rays onto the frozen ground and buildings. But it's beautiful regardless, a little bit pale, a little bit cold. It's weird to see it, Wooyoung's gotten used to the gray clouds already, so the sight of the sun is quite strange. Still, he finds himself staring up at it for a while, hips resting by the window sill, a warm mug of coffee in his palms, while his mind roams around rapidly and loudly. It's scratching at his brain, it's been on full alarm mode for the last couple of days, ever since that night at Yeosang's place...

Wooyoung sighs loudly.

They haven't talked about it yet, like he promised they would, but he's glad San did not insist. He's pretty sure he will soon, since, from the way he reacted that morning Wooyoung knows he'll start asking questions soon. But he doesn't want to answer them, he wants to avoid what happened that night, he wants to pretend it never happened, that he didn't hear anything, that he didn't do anything, that he didn't feel anything. But he did all those things and the constant reminder that he enjoyed them as well, angers Wooyoung so much. He shouldn't have enjoyed any moment of what happened between them, but... He did, and this is the cruel reality he lives in.

He places the mug on the window sill and clicks his tongue. He kissed San almost three days ago, they made out while being a drunk mess, not once, not twice, but four times in total. And he enjoyed each time a bit too much. But this isn't what bothers him the most, because for his actions, he can punish himself the way he deserves to be punished, but San's words from the night, they cannot be erased with pain and blades and blood. They stick to him like super glue, they echo in his mind, they whisper in his ears, they remind him of everything he's done just few days ago and he hates it so fucking much.

I never moved on from you. He can still hear the tone in which San said those words. So out of breath, so sad, too pained. And then, out of nowhere, it was as if the tension between them, the kisses, the hickeys, all of that, vanished into thin air when San started crying in his arms. Wooyoung doubts he remembers everything, he was too drunk for his own good, but he has a feeling he'll remember some of it. Despite the seven long years of being apart, Wooyoung still knows him too well. He will remember stuff, maybe not what he said to him, but Wooyoung will have to remind him, he'll have to open this subject like he promised he would, he'll have to pretend that everything is alright, that it was not a big deal, just a drunken mistake between them, that he heard nothing, that he felt nothing.

Instinctively, his fingers brush against his upper arm, around the bicep area. It's a sensitive mess, a little bit bruised and swollen, fresh from the cuts he did to himself as a reminder where he stands. Wooyoung is not allowed to feel anything, he is not allowed to let his heart race, to let his pulse quicken, to allow himself to feel warm at the thought of kissing San. He is not allowed to kiss San, first of all, and he is not allowed to have him, so he needs to remind himself about the reality he lives in through pain, cuts, blood, and the usual blades. Seonghwa should never find out he started cutting himself again few days ago either and he really hopes whatever feelings he's been having lately will let go of him for good, so that he can finally live his life somewhat like a normal person.

A knock at his door brings Wooyoung out from his thoughts. He doesn't reply, knowing very well it could either be Seonghwa or Mingi. He listens as the door opens and familiar footsteps owned by his coach make him turn around slightly. They are to leave for practice soon, and Seonghwa is already fully dressed to go outside. His hair has been getting longer over the past few weeks, but it still frames his features nicely and softly, aging him down just enough. He's a pretty man, always has been, but for some reason, longer hair suits him better.

"I am thinking today, you can start learning the full program." Hearing his words, Wooyoung almost complains.

He's not fully satisfied with his Quad, he's still sloppy on the landing sometimes and despite getting the right momentum, the perfect height, the perfect rotations, his ankle gives up on him too often. He's still wounded, he can agree with that, as his ankle constantly swells and hurts, but he has no time to rest or to allow it to breathe. His ankle will have plenty of time to heal after the competitions.