Alyssa's Sins

3: Falling into Melancholy

Filled with shame, she decided to pretend everything was fine, holding back her tears while doing so. James rushed back home as he had a sense something was wrong - although he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was the longest fifteen minutes she had ever experienced in her life - it felt so torturous trying to remember the incident and what the harasser looked like.

By the time she arrived home she was scared - what if her parents wouldn't believe her? She was there crying for the rest of the day. The day had been ruined. Lucas Jones called the school to inform them Alyssa would be absent for at least a day, and the school accepted it. Somehow, the parents did not ask why Alyssa smelt like cigarette smoke.

Alyssa was very sad, had a high appetite, was hypersomnic, very indecisive and felt little pleasure in her hobbies. She managed to keep up the appearance of being normal-ish for almost a week before breaking down, although with the help of a cigarette every day or two. She had to take a quick shower and brush teeth to hide the smell. But when she couldn't keep the appearances up, that's when she knew she needed to tell the truth, not feel any "Shame" about the incident - and she did. But before then, her father wanted to talk to her.

Father: "This week I have seen you very depressed, what happened?"

Alyssa: "Oh god... god... a tall, lanky, green eyed, narrow nosed stranger... sexually harassed me... when... I was out in a shopping mall"

Father: "Awww Alyssa I feel terrible for you! Though... (wiping tears) I doubt the police will catch the guy. But Alyssa, I promise, I will make a report to them first thing in the morning, tomorrow."

Alyssa: "Thank you... father."

The father probably didn't catch me smoking, Alyssa thought. Otherwise he'd have probably pointed it out - he was a very outspoken person, not afraid to rattle things up. Her mood lifted up a little bit, although not to what it was before.

Father's words seemed to help Alyssa get over the depressed period to some extent. A day after the talk she seemed to remain happier than during the period. However, home tensions suddenly flared up. When Father was not home, Mom accused Alyssa of "hiding" things during the previous week and impulsively decided to search the room. Alyssa gallantly tried pulling herself together to defend herself verbally and make excuses, but the heroic attempt failed - Mom decided to search the room anyway, albeit after a little delay.

Alyssa was fearful - if Mom found her cigarettes stashed in her makeup set, it would be game over. She anxiously fidgeted as Mom ransacked the room, knowing she needed an excuse to justify her behavior. Clothes, stationery, books and CDs were thrown everywhere in a frantic attempt to find something incriminating. The whole room looked as if a tornado struck but miraculously only affected the belongings. At least there was a method to this madness - fortunately for Mom, she found Alyssa's pack of Capris, which she obviously took as no big deal.

Mom shouted at the top of her lungs for Alyssa to come to her. Once Alyssa sheepishly came to Mom, Mom confronted her for smoking and went on a tirade about how cigarettes will poison her and how she didn't give birth to Alyssa for her to poison herself. Then she ended the tirade by wrinkling her nose and exclaiming "Oh yes, poisoning yourself is truly freedom!". Alyssa mentally broke down - she was extremely depressed, with zero interest in her hobbies anymore thanks to Mom, just when she was improving herself. All she could hope for is the possibility that Father would comfort her and confront Mom, but that just seems like it was a hallucination. Nevertheless, the hallucination became imprinted into Alyssa's mind, as if it was real. She had to do whatever to comfort herself.

Just then, Lucas Jones came back home and was greeted to a scene of Alyssa sobbing and her room in an utter mess. Filled with sorrow for his daughter, Lucas embraced Alyssa and asked her gently what was wrong. Touched by Lucas' care, Alyssa spilled the beans - that Mom had trashed her room in anger after accusing her of "hiding" inappropriate things. Seeing her being mentally broken down would've sent Lucas Jones to tears if not for Mom barging in and aggressively exclaiming "Look at how inappropriate your daughter was acting! She was smoking! She had cigarettes and a lighter!"

Lucas was divided. On one hand he championed libertarianism in many areas and wanted Alyssa to have freedom. Besides, Alyssa had only been recently convinced Lucas was fighting for her freedom and not just a puppet of Mom. On the other hand, cigarettes were not healthy at all and Mom had a point. But then again, yes cigarettes are unhealthy, but ultimately it was up to Alyssa anyways, and besides he couldn't expect perfection, or could he? He was willing to manipulate and charm people to get his way, though that was business - when it was his own daughter's wellbeing on the line, it was a different story. It felt like a chaotic, random stream of thoughts stopped Lucas from acting, until...

Mom: "Stop daydreaming, Lucas! Do something about Alyssa!"

Lucas, utterly shocked and frustrated at Mom's extremely unacceptable behavior: "The only person who I should do something to is you! You trashed Alyssa's room just because of your paranoia of her "hiding" things!"

Mom: "I can show you the cigarettes and lighter! She had them! You can clearly see it!"

Lucas sobbed a few tears. On one hand he knew smoking was injurious to Alyssa's health. On the other hand he championed freedom and wasn't about to disappoint his daughter. Besides cigarettes were her vice and even if Alyssa had her vices, he could accomodate her. After all, he let Alyssa drink socially. He anxiously fidgetted and sweated while avoiding eye contact with Mom - so ironic as he was supposed to be the brave person he was in the business world.

Mom: "Stop being evasive!"

Lucas: "That's it! We all know smoking is not healthy, but that's not the point! Alyssa can have her vices even if you don't like it for your own reasons! After all it's her lifeline at this point, I don't think it's my place to force her to quit! And I don't think it's yours either!"

Mom: "She's a little child. You think of her as so perfect but again she is just little and immature!"

Lucas: "I mean I don't think she wants to quit - she seems to enjoy it. I have my vices as well - I used to snort cocaine in parties, still sometimes smoke cigars, so how can I criticise her? Yes she's pretty young but she seems to have her head screwed..."

Just then Alyssa interrupted, "Thanks Father, I really doubted you could stand up for me, but I'm very glad you did! My sadness has somewhat lifted! Though... it's still tough and..."

Mom abruptly cut off Alyssa. "You are not letting her smoke!"

Lucas just calmly replied, "Alyssa, if you need a cigarette you can go out to do so. Mom won't be able to stop you as long as I am here. She won't dare to destroy the house."

Alyssa sobbed in joy and went out to slowly suck on her Capri 100. It was a pacifier for her emotions anyway, an effective one at that. The nicotine rush, throat hit, the slight punch to the lungs all calmed her down. She also enjoyed savouring the rich, bitter tobacco. It would've been better with a coffee, but oh well, that can be for later, and besides it's too late in the day to drink coffee anyways. It was heavenly - six minutes of tranquil, all because of her Capri 100 and Lucas' defense of her habit. Alyssa knew she could trust Dad even when she had vices, if Dad could allow Alyssa to smoke, who knows what he could allow? The possibilities were endless, and Alyssa was looking forward to them, as a way to cope with the depression.

Alyssa stubbed out her cigarette and for the first time in over a week she had a gleaming smile to her face. "Thanks for defending my vices, Dad!" she said. While her depression was not over, it was definitely positive news. 

The days went by. While Alyssa was still depressed, things were becoming slightly better thanks to her vice and Dad's defense of her. She was beginning to get a bit more productive and have slightly more interest in her hobbies. This was all good news, even if she smoked a few cigarettes a day for pleasure. Besides, Alyssa learnt to use productivity as a coping mechanism to calm herself down - even if she had a bad day, at least she could achieve something, and that's what mattered - it wasn't a fully "useless" day.

But then again, it was only becoming slightly better, and besides Alyssa could benefit from therapy. Alyssa asked her Dad if she could be taken to a doctor and therapist. Dad agreed - even if things were becoming slightly better, they would have useful medical and psychological advice. Besides, who knows what may happen - her condition may become significantly worse again, as it did after Mom raged at her. It's as if there was a thick haze lurking beyond...