Alyssa's Sins

14. Dreams Slipping Away

She remembered the deadline for applying to the accelerated program was May 4th, just before the start of the exams. Time flied quickly - so she spent less time on her modelling and acting. At least her modelling and acting wasn't bad—she won a small modelling Little Miss competition with her classy style, as if she was a 25 year old lady who knew her way around men. Somehow, she got away with this despite the increasing nanny state laws. 

Acting was okay - she learnt the basics of acting. At least the instructor gave her a chance even though her social skills weren't great. For some scenes of re-enacting old scenes, she can smoke real cigarettes with style, not fake "leaf" cigarettes that don't remotely look like the real thing. This was one of the reasons why she was kept in despite not being skilled at acting.

But she knew she had to fight back against the tide. Many people warned against grade skipping, claiming it would "rush" kids. Thus she worked harder to fight back. She tried using Pomodoro, with 15 minute studying and 5-minute breaks first. The study periods were long enough that she could push a little bit harder so her next cigarette would be more satisfying. The breaks were short enough that she wouldn't be carried away chain-smoking. The long breaks were 15 minutes long to give herself time to relax and walk around. She vowed not to smoke in the long breaks as she might get carried away with it.

On April 6th, 2010, she decided to perform 4 Pomodoros and promised to herself she wouldn't smoke right after them. It was a willpower battle—she studied and played with her pen to take the edge off, hopefully so she didn't smoke. The first two pomodoros went well, but the 3rd and 4th ones were a little bit harder with her braiding her hair into 2 braids to take her edge off the small cravings. 

It was tough, but she managed to study most of the social science and science content of the past week. She didn't immediately light up a cigarette to celebrate - instead chatting with Lucas Jones and walking around for 30 minutes before lighting up a Newport 100. The menthol reminded her of those days when there used to be flavoured cigarettes and the pleasure that even if fire-safe cigarettes made cigarettes taste terrible, there would still be flavours to cover it up. Besides, she might still like to smoke them.

She gradually improved her discipline, although it was tough doing so. The days went by with more studying—Alyssa was finally catching up to her goal! The teachers noticed it by April 20th when they noted in their teacher observations that Alyssa had improved her productivity. She also decided to exercise a bit more in order to reap the benefits of exercise even if she smokes - as smoking is not an excuse to not take care of herself.

The fight continued. Shopping couldn't distract her. She had to study, even if it meant burning herself out in the summer. The Spring MAP testing started 27th April and was the last slot she could've attended. She studied from the 20th to the end of testing, focusing on reading, language usage, science and mathematics, even to the detriment of her other subjects. It had to be done in order to graduate from school earlier. For Alyssa, general education didn't matter much - she could take gen eds in college if she wanted to.

The MAP testing went by; the reading test lasted for 50 minutes. All she had to do was focus adequately enough and, if needed, zone out for 2 minutes in the middle. Her 20-minute Pomodoros were barely adequate enough to get her through without a break, though it was tough by the end. The other tests were taken with one day of rest in between. Considering how rushed the preparation had to be, it was not going to be easy to reach the 99th percentile as her intelligence indicates her achievement should be.

All the tests were done by 3rd May, but the deadline was 4th May to apply. She still decided to apply and prayed to God that the scores were all at or above the 95th percentile, as she knew her maturity was not exceptional. Yes, 93rd-95th percentile scores in grade-level testing were borderline and could be considered, but she did not want to take that chance. 

She breathed deeply, then made the application. She wouldn't know the results of the MAP testing for a few more days, and even if they were decent, there would still be an interview. Ruminating achieved nothing, and she knew this, yet often she couldn't stop herself from this anxiety. In order to take her mind off it she enjoyed a few menthol cigarettes. The flavored ones were running out - they had to be imported from elsewhere as the US had banned them in 2009.

The MAP testing came back on 7th May. The reading, math, language, and science tests came back at 95th, 97th, 95th, and 96th percentiles, respectively. This was barely enough to avoid the significantly stricter interviews, though Alyssa was still underachieving by over half a standard deviation relative to her intelligence.

It was down to the interview, which happened on 12th May. There were various questions they asked, like her hobbies and any psychologist reports to assess her maturity for the program. The only psych report she had was the IQ testing, which at least was detailed and used the WISC-IV. They asked questions about her maturity, like how she would be considerate of others. She replied that even though she smoked, she used perfume and smoked way outside to be considerate of others who didn't like the smell. 

Realistically, it was down to supportive teachers. Lucas Jones had friendly relations with the 7th grade math teacher, who was quite supportive of Alyssa - giving extension work and even supporting her acceleration. Other teachers were either neutral or negative, but at least the 7th grade math teacher had a significant say in accelerating Alyssa.

She had to show she could improve, so she continued studying even when the thought of studying began burning her out. She had to push through at all costs, no matter what. Eventually she managed to study more by increasing her tobacco use to half a pack a day. Fortunately, Lucas Jones wasn't too annoyed by her frequent smoking breaks, though he set his limit at a pack a day. Alyssa promised if this was successful to quit for a week.

Alyssa was almost about to give up her Pomodoro routine on May 26th but then the results came - she was accepted into the new acceleration program, though would need some "Bridging" to get there. Immediately she celebrated - she smoked a pack of flavored Kent 100s that day. She loved it - the flavors, nicotine rush pleasured her for 2 hrs that day. But then she realised she needed to quit for a week... this would make her feel terrible! Or would it?