The Words I Didn't Say

CHAPTER TWO

Raya:

I'm going to end up completely losing my mind. How do I make him understand that I don't want this marriage, that he shouldn't expect much from me? I can't offer him anything, and I don't want to offer him anything.

I watch him walking down the mall's corridors towards the parking lot. He's silent now, which suits me just fine. I can't answer his question. If he finds out that I'm at his mercy, he'll turn my life into a nightmare.

He hasn't spared me since this morning, and I'm at my breaking point. I can't maintain my composure much longer; the pressure is becoming unbearable, and every minute feels like more of a test.

We reach the parking lot. He opens the door for me, and I slide into the passenger seat. He gets in too and starts the car. The road ahead promises to be long, so to avoid any conversation, I turn on the radio and flip through the stations until I find "Flowers" by Miley Cyrus. I start to hum along, and Djallal taps his hands on the steering wheel in rhythm with the music. I turn up the volume and begin to sing:

"I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can."

Djallal joins in, altering the lyrics: "If you talk to me just one hour, I'm sure I will understand..."

I can't help but smile, seeing him change the lyrics just to communicate with me. Even though it doesn't change the situation, I still can't say anything to him, and I'm still obligated to marry him. So, I erase my smile, turn off the radio, and look out the window. I plan to avoid him for the rest of the trip, hoping we arrive soon.

"I can't believe it, you're really bipolar."

Is he talking to me? Calm down, Raya, calm down—just ignore him.

"I think this marriage is a bad idea."

Finally! Yes, that's what I was waiting for, but it has to come from him.

"Cancel it if you want, but don't count on me to do it."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? You just said it was a bad idea."

"DAMN IT, because you don't seem to want it!"

I don't know what to say anymore. I can't tell him that I don't want it—if my father hears, he'll destroy my life or marry me off to some addict who'll beat me night and day. Djallal seems like my only escape, maybe he'll let me divorce and live a decent life, far away from all this.

"ANSWER ME! DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME OR NOT?"

I'm trapped. My heart is about to explode out of my chest. I've reached the point of no return. My plan has fallen apart.

"DAMN IT, RAYA, ANSWER!"

"Yes, I do," I say in a voice that tries to sound convincing.

His expression changes entirely. He looks calm, even reassured. He stares at me for a few moments, as if to fully process my words, then says:

"Okay, our wedding is still set for the end of the week, then."

"Okay."

Neither of us says another word for the rest of the drive. When we arrive, we find Katia and Latif already seated. They look cute, teasing each other. We join them and sit down beside them. Katia looks at us, hoping to catch a sign of reconciliation. I smile at her sincerely—she's such a lovely person. I haven't had this much fun in a long time, especially during the moments I've spent with her.