My Pulse

Chapter 26: Cian O'Shea

I wake up slightly when I feel the bed gently dip on Quinn's side. I wasn't so sure she was going to come back to my room tonight. I am glad she did. Maybe there is still hope for us. I maneuver closer to her and wrap my arm around pulling her tight to me. She doesn't pull away and I can tell she is exhausted. I inhale deeply and all I smell is her soft ocean waves. I let them rock me to sleep as her breathing equals out. The last thing I think before I doze off is that I really don't want to fuck this up. I will make it right again with Quinn. If it's the last thing I do.

When I wake I find Quinn gone. With a quick look in the bathroom, she is nowhere to be found up here. Maybe she didn't want to wake up beside me? Wow, when the fuck did I become so self-conscious? This woman has me about on my knees and I promised myself I would never love again. I don't start my morning routine because I need to lay eyes on my queen. I round the corner to the kitchen and almost run into Anita. "Oh sir I am so sorry." She squeals as we collide. "All good sorry Anita I was not paying attention. Have you seen Quinn this morning?" "Oh, yes sir, she took her coffee out for a morning swim. Would you like some?" She asks me. I nod and smile at her, taking the offered cup and then turn to make my way outside. I see her perched on a chaise lounge with her eyes closed and her face tilted up towards the sun. "Catching some sunlight while you still can?" I ask from behind her and watch her jump at the sound of my voice. "Are we really going home today?" She asks hopefully. "We really are." I tell her as I step around the chair to look at her face. Quinn just nods and is staring up at me blankly. There is an awkward silence between us and I hate it. She is acting weird this morning I notice. I guess she did ask me for space and I will try to give her as much as I can bear. "Why don't you eat something and then leave out what you want to bring home and Anita will pack your bag for you." I tell her. "Everything won't fit on the plane." She says and grins. There's my Quinn. I was wondering if I would ever see that smile again. "Leave anything you want here. I will buy you a whole new wardrobe for home." I say nonchalantly. "I have an entire wardrobe at home." She says back quickly. "Whatever you want then bring or don't bring. I don't really care." I explain not wanting to fight about something so trivial. It seems as if everything is a fight with her and I am losing every goddamn battle. I am sick of feeling out of control. It's the only time in my adult life I can remember feeling this way. Quinn says she needs time and I am going to give it to her. Honestly I need some separation from her as well but I am not sure if it's the time to step back or go after her with all my might. "Cian.... I." She starts and then stops just as quickly. I turn to her and take in her confused expression. I wait for her to continue. I desperately need to know what is going through that beautiful head of hers. "I'm not sure how to do this." She says honestly, spinning the diamond on her ring finger. I look down and a wave of immense satisfaction rolls through me when I see she is still wearing it. I sit next to her and grab her hands in mine. "I never thought I would meet someone. It was never in the cards until you came along. It may not be the conventional way but I care about you Quinn and I..." I trail off, unable to say it. Her big blue eyes bore into mine searching and I know she is trying to find the truth in them. I look away not wanting to see her reaction when I say it. "I never thought I would ever care about another person the way I do about you. The thought of losing you.." I end abruptly hoping she can fill the rest in. "Cian." She whispers and it's too fucking much. The emotions filling my body and soul are ripping me apart. "You're killing me." I say and then immediately regret it when I see her eyes begin to sparkle with the beginning of tears. "Cian, I'm sorry." Quinn says reaching for me but I pull away. I can't bear her touch if she is going to pull away from me. "Cian don't, don't shut me out." Quinn says reaching for me again. "You're shutting me out?" I tell her trying to keep my head level. She just nods blankly understanding and I rise up off the chair. "I am going to get a workout in before we leave. Be ready by 1 pm. Anita has breakfast ready for you." I tell her and turn to stalk upstairs into my gym. My feet are hitting the treadmill so hard its the only thing I can hear. I focus all of my attention on putting one foot in front of the other and try not to think about her. I don't succeed though. My every waking thought seems to be about her. If I can't get her on my side everything will be for nothing. The war for the king of the underworld will continue until either I am dead or there is nothing left to rule over. We will all kill each other to get to that top spot. The only thing that is holding me together is that she still has my ring on her finger. As long as she keeps that on no one will take her from me. I don't want Quinn to know how precarious our situation is because I need her to make this decision for herself. If she truly chooses to be with me then I will know she is ready to be by my side. Quinn just doesn't know what it all entails and I being the asshole I am won't enlighten her. The last thing I need is to scare her off. Anyone could call a claim to the top seat if she is on their arm. I will never allow that to happen though, If she isn't mine she won't be anyone's. I want to claim my rightful seat but I also want her by my side. I just need to figure out if I can live with one and not the other. I need power but I want her love. I hope I never have to choose.