Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

Hey Bunny

When we got home, we put on pajamas and watched a movie. I don't remember much about it, but I do know I couldn't stop fidgeting with my bracelet. I was sitting on the floor and Sorscha sat on the couch. She offered me a spot next to her but I've always preferred to sit on the floor. It has always been comforting to me. Sometimes, since I was sitting infront of her, I'd mess with the bracelet on her wrist. It was so similar to mine yet the opposite.

Sorscha didn't seem to mind me messing with the bracelet on her wrist. She just did. Compared to me, she has short nails with tons of rings. I have a ring my grandma gave me when I was younger. It's too small for any finger other than my pinky now but it's pink and gold. The gem is a pink heart and the band is gold. I try to grow out my nails but I bite them too much to keep them too long. I bite them when I'm anxious, which tends to be a lot.

I slept over at Sorscha's again last night. I decided it was time to go home. She let me keep the nirvana shirt of hers. It's the opposite of what I usually wear but I like it.

When I got home my parents were actually there. But so were a ton of other people.

"Mom? Dad? Who are they all?" The people in the room looked at us.

"These are some of the friends we met at the bar. Why don't you go back to that girl's house. We wouldn't want you to be a bother to our friends." My father responded.

A bother? Okay then.

I grab my school bag and stuff some clothes in it.

"Alright, I'll be back later!" I yell out as I leave the alcohol scented home.

"Alright yeah go ahead!" So they obviously didn't hear me. Whatever..

I go outside and text Sorscha, slowly but surely.

Two taps.
Two taps.
Four taps.
Space.

*hey srry coming back over. Parents. Party.*

*Alright!*

Sorscha was waiting for me back at her place. When I entered her home, her mom just smiled and waved.

"Clodagh, Here." She handed me a notebook, it had a gray cat on it. The cat couldn't have been older than a few months. When I looked at her in confusion, she just smiled, "This is for you. It might be helpful for you to write your feelings in."

"Oh. Thank you." I stared at it while holding it with both of my hands. Maybe this might actually help. Sorscha said she was going to help her mom make lunch. I took this as an opportunity to write my first entry.

20/09/08
Sorscha said this can help me? I don't know if it will but it's nice to try. I don't understand how a friendship is supposed to feel but is this normal? Normal to like hanging out with Sorscha this much? I don't know anymore. It's so hard to tell. But I can't like girls. My parents said that's a sin. Sor

I heard my name being called. I didn't get more than a paragraph but I'll write more later. I shut the notebook and stuffed it into my bag. However I couldn't stop thinking about what I was writing. About Sorscha.
She's all that takes over my thoughts now.

I kept trying to go home but my parents constantly had people over so I just kept staying at Sorscha's. Her mom and dad expect me at the house now. Its nice though. They are really nice to me. The opposite of my parents. They give Sorscha and I hugs before we leave for school and make sure to tell us to be safe.

I didn't expect to be dating someone that same day. When we got to school, my second week, a kid in the same year came up to me. I Think his name is Emmet. He's 13 as well. He has short brown curly hair, pale skin, freckles all over his face and deep brown eyes. Practically the opposite of me.

I like the idea of opposites in a relationship. But I don't see myself with an opposite like him.

"Clodagh?" I turn around and look at him.

"Hm?"

"Uh.. can I ask you a question?" Sorscha, who was next to me, looked just as confused as I am. She knew him longer, more of just acquaintances but have been going to school together since year 1.

"Yeah! Of course!" I smile. His face seemed to heat up. My heart sank but my face still held a smile. I know exactly what he's going to ask. My eyes darted between him and Sorscha but very subtly.

"Would you like to go out with me?" My eyes widened. Im glad that Sorscha is the only one with me. Or that actually makes it worse.

My eyes dart nervously as I respond, "Yeah.. I guess so.." He smiled and gave me a piece of paper with his number on it, which oddly enough was already prepared. I put it in my blazer pocket.

What did I just get myself into? Sorscha looks kind of disappointed but she smiles. Was she disappointed that I just said yes to him? She just walked away to her first class without saying bye to me. I start to bite my nails. They had grown quite a bit but that's definitely over now.

So many thoughts. My mind has been all over the place for days. So much has happened. I can't keep up with my thoughts. They are constantly racing in my head. I have no breaks anymore.

I mess with the bracelet on my wrist. It calms me down when I need it but it didn't stop the thoughts from coming.

Did I just screw everything up?

What am I doing? I don't even like him. But maybe this can actually get my parents attention,

And to prove to myself, I dont like girls. I really don't. I'm sure about it...?

(A/N: sorry this is all over the place. But hey, So is clodagh's life right now 🤫)