Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

Nothing's New

CW: Scar talk

Sorscha and I were in her room, looking at an old photo book of her growing up. When she was 10 she got braces and had them until last year when she was 12. She cut her own hair when she was 4, resulting in forced bowl cut on since it was the only style they could do with how much she cut. I did something similar when I was 3. I cut off so much that nearly all my hair was gone. Her first christmas outfit, was a plaid skirt and white long sleeve top. It was too big for her since she was only a month old but it was adorable. She had thick hair as a baby, it wasn't as red as it is now, it was more blonde as a baby, like her aunt's hair. They have a lot of photos of her and her aunt. She was 19, when Sorscha was born. She was living with them back then so she had a big part in helping with raising Sorscha and her older siblings. Sorscha has 2 older sister and 2 older brothers, all older than her. The one closest to her age is her brother, Declan. He's 19 but lives closer to his college, which is actually in England.

Her aunt lives in downtown Dublin, with her fiancee. They aren't allowed to get married yet, Ireland hasn't made it legal. But they call eachother "wife" like they are married. Sorscha said her aunt used to live with them but doesn't anymore after her and her fiancee saved up enough to get an apartment together. She was the first one Sorscha told about us, and the first one who she came out to. Her aunt is bi, that's why Sorscha felt so comfortable going to her. I've met her aunt only once before but she's always nice. Her name is Cara, and her fiancee is Sophie. Cara and Sophie are both 32, she's the youngest of Sorscha's aunts.

Sophie is from France, her accent is not as strong as Sorscha's irish one but it's prominent still. She sometimes will speak french and Cara and Sorscha will look at eachother in confusion. But Cara is secretly learning French. She wants to know it for when they can legally get married. She wants  to tell her vows in French.

Will Sorscha and I grow up to be similar? Have the same love they do? I wonder if we'll be able to get married when we turn 18. Maybe it won't be illegal then. I don't know why it's illegal, it's just love. Is that's what is so threating? Love. The idea that not everyone gets it in their lifetime.

Their opinions aren't important to me, I'll find someway to marry Sorscha even if it takes the rest of my life to. Even if I have to do it in the afterlife.

I was wearing Sorscha's New York Jets hoodie she had gotten back in New York. Every time I flipped the page to another chapter in Sorscha's life shown through photos, I would look at the scabs and forming scars on my hands. We had gone to the doctors as soon as they could see me however, they just gave me some antibiotic cream to make sure it didn't get infected.

Sorscha would help me apply it every night because I struggled to touch the back of my hand now. Before she puts on the cream she always kisses my hands, making sure I know that no matter what, she's here.

After everything, I gained an insecurity towards my arms, I hated them. I always covered them in public and especially at school. I would cover as much of my hands I could with my sleeves, I never rolled up the sleeves on my blazers to wash my hands, I just dealt with the wet sleeves. I even wore some of Sorscha's old gloves when we went to the shops.

She was the only one I was willing to see my arms and hands in any sense. I wore fingerless gloves in front of Fia and Robert but Sorscha was the only one to see me without any gloves and in t-shirts

"Why is it so hot in here?" I ask, fanning myself with my hand.

"You can always take off the hoodie, if you want another one of my clothes, I have a shirt I can give you." I nod my head and wait for her to toss me a shirt. It's an AC/DC shirt. I'm convinced all her shirts are band tees. She turns around to let me comfortably change. I slip on the shirt very quickly and tell her she can come back.
She sits back on her bed, legs laying straight. I lay my head on her thighs and let her play with my hair. I was still nervous seeing all the scars on myself. Sorscha never brought them up if I didn't first.

She braided my hair for me as I just enjoy the silence. She decided to do a fishtail braid for me. It wasn't too tight but not too loose. It was the perfect braid for right now. With all the silence, I couldn't help but stare at myself.

"Sorscha?" I could feel her head perk up because her hands paused braiding.

"What's up?"

"Do you ever think these will completely fade?" I hear her sigh a bit, not exhausted but she couldn't seem to figure out how to respond.

"I don't know, actually.." Her voice was meek, I could tell she felt useless. She always does when she can't help me.

"I don't," I pause, trying to comprehend what I'm saying, "I don't like them Sorsch.

She rubs my back, "I think, they show how strong you are."

"Strong? I'm not strong. You know that.." 

"Clo, of course you are. You've made it through it all. That makes you strong."

Strong?
Strong..
Strong.

She continues her sentence with a quick breath and a kiss on the head, "Stronger than you'll ever realize, my love."