Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

Familiar

CW/TW: Alcohol, S/H Ideations + scars, Anxiety

"Hannah, are you sure about this?" I stared at the full vodka bottle that Hannah put in the middle of the circle where Alex, Sorscha, Hannah, and I were in.

"Yeah, we'll spin it and whoever it lands on, will take a shot. You can choose a mixer, we have orange juice and pineapple juice." I looked at Sorscha. I wasn't sure about this idea. It reminded me of my "parents". She knew what the look meant and we went into the hallway.

"I don't know about this, It doesn't seem like a good idea." I closed the door as I started to speak in a low volume.

"I don't think they would do anything to hurt us though." She tried to defend her cousins but it didn't help ease my worries.

"I know, but don't you think we shouldn't be doing this? We aren't eighteen yet, Sorsch."

"It'll be okay, I promise, Hannah and Alex are both older so they know what they are doing, plus I can promise you, I won't let anything happen." I hesitated as I thought about it.

I sighed and agreed reluctantly, but when we entered the room again, I told them I wouldn't do anymore than two.

One spin. Hannah.

One spin. Alex.

One spin. Hannah.

One spin. Sorscha.

One spin. Me. Me. Me.

I grabbed the only unused shot glass with a slight tremble in my hands. I pour some pineapple juice in the vodka in the tiny glass. Unlike Hannah, who easily took the shots, I cautiously sipped mine before taking a big sip to finish it off.

Unfortunately, it landed on me a couple spins later and I did another. And it landed on me a third time.

"I told you guys.. I don't really.."

"Come on! Don't be a child. It's not that bad!" Hannah wouldn't stop talking until I gave in. So I took a third shot.

Being lightweight, I found out I'm a very emotional drunk depending on what is happening. Sorscha becomes slightly reckless and very sociable.

We moved onto watching a movie, when Hannah realized that Alex, Sorscha, and I were not going to be able to safely drink any more. Alex picked the movie and part of the way through, the parents in the movie started to argue.

They were arguing loudly and they panned to the kid, watching them, holding it together. Why is this so familiar?

I stared at the screen, every thought behind my eyes disappeared, I didn't think. I couldn't. It felt so real. I knew I was safe on the couch, I was cuddling with Sorscha. Sure, the parents were asleep, so we were on our own in a way, but all we were watching was a movie. Right?

It wasn't. The child looked just like me. Just. Like. Me. When my parents would argue when they thought I was asleep. They would scream for hours on end about money and their relationship.

I never want to be like that. My child won't ever have to hear us scream at each other. I'm not like my father and I'm not like my mother.

I got up, and stepped out onto the porch, I needed a break. I paced around the porch, the stars giving me the only light I needed. The wood beneath me creaked with every step I took.

"Babe?" I heard Sorscha's heavy Irish accent in a whisper, "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it." My nails were significantly shorter than they were 5 minutes before. I had bitten them nearly as far as they could go.

"Come on, you're anxious, and on the verge of some sort of attack. Anxiety or panic."

"I said. I don't want to talk about it." My voice is slightly stern.

"Clo, please, why did you suddenly leave?"

In my overstimulation, I yelled at her. "Sorscha! Why can't you just leave me alone! You're such a burden!" My hands slapped my mouth, covering it up.

"Burden? I'll.. I will leave you alone." She sounded like she was holding back tears. Her eyes faced the floor still in shock.

"Wait..!" My voice was barely audible. She couldn't see my slightly outstretched hand. She walked back into the house. The door closed behind her with a loud slam.

I am like them. They did the same thing to me. I recalled their words with vivid memory. "We wouldn't want you to be a bother to our friends."

"Shit. Shit. Shit!" My hands entangled with my hair, I tried to not rip out every strand on my head. With breaths, that was sped up and as she said, on the verge of panic.

Alex and Hannah had already gone into the guest bedroom, but I couldn't find Sorscha in the immediate room and the ones visible through the open floor plan. The room is as dark as coal.

When I looked down the hallway, I could see under the crack of her door, blue light. It was given off by her lamp. She has one of the lamps with different colored tops over the light.

Knock Knock

"Sorsch.." I could hear her music playing. Ac/Dc. Sorscha wasn't responding to me. Her door was locked from the inside as well. As much as I turned and twisted the door knob it wasn't going to budge. I really hurt her.

I didn't mean to. I swear. I can't think clearly. This night has gone all wrong.

I took off my gloves, and rolled up my sleeve. I let my fingertips glide over the scars on my left arm, some still leaving a slight bump on my arm and on my hand. Scars I left on my forearm tortured my mind. My head, plagued with different intrusive thoughts.

I deserve it. I acted just like them. Like him. To Sorscha. She didn't deserve it.

The box cutters sitting in the open miscellaneous door stared into my eyes. The windows to my soul, which felt shattered. People always told me that in England, I was just like them. I looked like them. I never wanted to be like them.

I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I didn't want to give in. I couldn't. It would only disappoint and hurt Sorscha more. I can't hurt her a second time.

I hate alcohol.