Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

Average

TW: SH

Since I uploaded this chapter today, no chapter tomorrow but you'll get a Thursday chapter!

I walk home with Sorscha, it was my second day at the school. It wasn't too bad actually, a lot of the people are really nice! Sorscha introduced me to Maxine or as he goes by, Max. Max is 5 '4 with a wolf cut, he dyed his hair black but Sorscha told me it was originally ginger but I think I would prefer the black. The school doesn't mind dyed hair as long as it's a natural color, same with highlights. He says he hates wearing the skirt but the school won't let him wear the pants. He's really nice though, he understands what it's like to not have friends. He said his first friend was Jess who introduced him to Sorscha and the three  of them were inseparable for years. I assured him I wasn't going to replace Jess which he seemed apprehensive about at first but today he seemed way more open to letting me join them at lunch and hang out with them.

Sorscha and I have been hanging out everyday after school since Sunday. I couldn't go over today, I already have a ton of homework to catch up on, they want me to review and make sure I know everything before the teachers give me tests and quizzes that are upcoming. My bag is so heavy, I have maths, Irish (I can already tell It's not going to be my strong suit), English language, and history. I love history and English, they are my easiest subjects.
Great my parents have gone out to the bar again. Will there ever be a day they'll be home when I am? My dad works nights so they go our during the day. I drop my bag besides my seat at the dining table. I start on my homework, working meticulously. I was struggling with the Irish, I have never seen this before. It started to take a hold of my mind.

All I could think about was my grades. I've had all A*s my whole life. I can't let it go now. But I don't understand this. Eventually all I heard was static. My thoughts were consumed by my grades but now they are gone. Gone by the sting of the water hitting my arm. Gone by the cold of the metal. I swore I wouldn't let it happen again. I promised myself. I promised the butterflies I drew on my arm. But even the idea of the butterflies couldn't put my thoughts on hold.

I heard a voice coming from the living room. They were calling my name. It was an Irish voice. Sorscha! I forgot to lock the front door. I always forget to do that. I can't let her see me.

I quickly pull down my blazer, stuffing toilet paper under it to try and stop the blood from hitting my blazer. I put the blade underneath the mouthwash which was behind the mirror. I open the bathroom door.

"Sorscha? What are you doing here?" Her face seemed to light up seeing me. She was wearing jeans and a Nirvana tshirt, her hair was down still just like it was at school.

"Sorry, I tried to knock on your door but it opened up when my hand touched it. Where are your parents?" she asked.

"Work.. they're at work.." I felt bad lying but how do you say 'they left me home alone to go to the bar with barely any food in the house, and food we have is cold because the microwave and stove don't work yet.'

"Oh! Okay then! My mam got to the shop today and we put about 30 pounds on your phone, it's a lot but it'll get you used to the phone." She holds out the pink razr. I kindly accept it.

"Can I hug you..?" my voice barely above a whisper.

"What?" she asks kind of in a disbelief tone she obviously heard me.

"Can I hug you?" I spoke up a bit more. She smiles at me and opens her arms. I practically fall into them. I needed this today. I desperately needed it. She felt the way I hugged her and how my body slowly became less tense in her embrace. She led us slowly to the floor letting us sit. She hugged me back. Her hug is perfect. I'm not used to physical touch and this is exactly how I expected it to be with her. I love her hug.

I refuse to let go of the hug but I, despite my voice being muffled, thank her, "Thank you.. Sorscha."

I can tell she is worried for me from her voice but she tries to do her best to hide it,

"Of course Clo. Is everything okay?" I shake my head in response. I don't want her to know what is happening but I don't want her to be worried of me everyday.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I pause for a moment contemplating if I do or not. Should I?

My eyes flicker from her red hair to my arms. I can smell her shampoo. Lavender. I love lavender. It calms me down. I shake my head. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it.

"Can you give me 5 minutes.." I finally pull away from the hug. She nods sympathetically.

I go to the bathroom again, I hear Sorscha stand up and sit on the couch. I close the bathroom door and rummage in the drawer, I finally find the gauze. The toiler paper was getting itchy. I toss it into the toilet bowl and flush it. I hated the scene of my arm. I feel sick at myself. I run my arm under some cool water, pat dry, and wrapped the gauze around.

I quickly change into a hoodie and black leggings because my school uniform was getting uncomfortable. I walk back out to the living room.

"Sorscha..?" I timidly ask.

"Yeah?"

"Can I stay the night at your place tonight..?" I'll just leave a note for my parents like the do me.

"Yeah of course! Why don't you grab your school uniform and we can wash it. Just make sure your parents know." I nod. I pack a mini bag of toiletries and my uniform and we head off. I walk slightly behind her but she makes sure to walk slow enough that I can keep up.

I feel so weak.