Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

My R

TW! (Only read if you are in the right headspace!)
Suicidal thoughts, temptations, ideations. + Near attempt

Please reach out if you need help!

I stared at my shaking hands as I grabbed the pencil. I place the paper on top of an old book to have a flat surface to write on.

I shakily take a breath. And start to write to the first person on my mental list.

Sorscha
Fia + sorscha's dad, Robert
My "father"
My "mother"

The four most important to me. And if I don't get the rest done. I will never leave Sorscha without a final goodbye.

I could barely get to the end of the note before I started crying. My tears littered the page. I have to use 2 full pages of paper, front and back to write everything I felt down.

"I'm so sorry, my love." My voice is full of breaths and very shaky.

My thoughts were like static. In the sea of static, I saw Sorscha. I felt the warmth I do when I'm with her but when I hear the door open. Dinner. Must be around 6:00. I kick the paper under my bed and grab the food.

Corn. Just corn. Sweetened corn. I miss Fia's cooking. It was better, so much better. I love Fia, she's amazing.

I ate the corn anyway. It was better than nothing. I placed the plate outside of my room and went back my letter to Sorscha. I folded it as neatly as I could. Kissed it and placed it on my bed. I couldn't be bothered to write the others. I wanted to write to Fia but I'm sure Sorscha will tell her.

I went to fulfill my plan that I had been thinking of. I had made up my mind.

I sat on the ground beside my bed. I took a deep breath but this time it was peaceful and grounding.

My hand moved, listening to my brain.

"CLODAGH!" I felt someone grab my shoulder and shake me a bit. Bringing me back from my subconscious state.

"What are you doing?! Oh my god?!" The voice sounded panicked and worried.

"Sorscha..? Sorscha!" She wraps her arms around me and I quickly do the same. I feel her rub my back. I couldn't help but sob and mumble a little "I missed you so much." And "I love you."

"Clodagh.. you.. oh my god.. I.." her voice sounded like it was about to break, "I thought I was about to lose you.. my god."

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry Sorsch." She shushed me and kissed my forehead.

"I'm not upset at you, I don't think I can ever be upset at you." I could tell how much strength it was taking her to not break down into tears, "I just thought I was about to lose the love of my life."

"Sorscha we're 13." I giggle at her, "but I don't want you to lose me. I wanted out.."

"I know you did, but hey, I'm here with you now." Her hand continued to mess with my hair, "And mam's just in the next room over

"Fia's here..?" Sorscha nodded, "Why did it take so long to call the police?"

"I.. I was scared that if I did.. He would do something worse." She admitted to me, "I didn't want anything to happen to you bc of me more than it already did."

My eyes looked at her confused.

"I felt guilty all week for not being able to protect you, Clo. That's all I thought about. Without you, I don't think the world would keep spinning."

I just looked at her with all the admiration I could, "You tried to protect me, that means you didn't fail. You came back for me. And that's all that matters." I wiped a tear from her face that she had accidentally seemed to let down, "I love you and that means you haven't failed."

I kiss her for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.

She just held me. I heard police in the background. Fia's voice was talking to them. I could recognize it so well.

We never left each other's arms until the police came in to question me. I was nervous. I had to recite everything about them. Why we moved to England. Why I've been staying with the Doyles. Why I was being kept locked up.

They didn't let Sorscha in the room with me. I wish they had. I knew she was outside the door but my anxiety was acting up. I was feeling the scabs left on my hands. I was tempted to scratch and pick at them but Sorscha told me not to.

I knew finding me like that hurt Sorscha. I knew it hurt her a lot. More than it hurt me. I never thought about the effect it would have on her.

I caught her crying the nights after. I knew she didn't want to know but I heard her. I saw her trying to hide it as well. I always tried to comfort her but she liked to act like nothing happened and that nothing was wrong.

Fia was planning on fighting to be my guardian, permanently. The courts allowed her to have temporary custody of me. Both of my "parents" were only children and my grandparents passed away already so they couldn't find anyone better to give custody to.

I remember Fia telling me. It was the day after the courts had granted her temporary custody.

"So, Clodagh. I want to let you know, this is up to you completely. As the courts have agreed to give me custody of you temporarily. However, if you would like, Robert and I will fight for full permanent custody of you."

"Mam you're serious?!" Sorscha looks at her like she knew she had asked her before.

"Yes I am. Clodagh, hun, it's completely and fully up to you whether or not you would like us to."

My face showed my Excitement, "Yes! That would mean the world to me!"

We still awaited my "parents" trial. But I knew I was going to be safe with the Doyles forever.