Lemongrass and Sleep (A Clodagh Story)

Here Comes A Thought

TW: EMETOPHOBIA MENTION, Anxiety attack

"Sorscha, what are you humming?" She was humming an unknown tune while my head lied on her chest.

"It's an old lullaby my mam use to sing to me when I was little." I paused for a moment before speaking.

"Can you sing it to me?" Her eyes widened slightly.

"I'm not that good of a singer.. But why not. It's in gaelic by the way so I don't know how much you'll understand." I reassure her that her voice is lovely. I've been struggling to sleep for a while now and It'll be nice to not have anxiety when I'm falling asleep.

Oró mo leanbh beag. Fan na luí ag mo thaobh. Ná scar uaim.

She was right. I have absolutely no idea what she's saying but it's nice.

Oró mo stóirín. Thug tú dochas mo stóirín. Go mbeidh mé slán.

It's a lovely tune...

Codladh sámh, codladh sámh. Codladh sámh a páiste mo chroí...

I yawn. She kisses my head before moving onto the next verse.

Oró mo leanbh beag. Glac mo chomhairle cinnte. Mo grá go sámh.

My eyelids were heavy and I was struggling to keep them open.

Oró mo leanbh beag. Agus paidir ó mo chroí. Tá do tsaol romhat.

I could hear her chuckle very quietly as she watched me drift off to sleep.

Codladh sámh, codladh sámh. Codladh sámh a páiste mo chroí...

As she held out the final word of the song I let myself fall asleep. I didn't really have any thoughts. My eyes closed and my brain shut off. Her arms wrapped around my torso, her hands interlocked with each other, mine slightly held onto her wrists. Her chin slightly rested on my head, enough so that i can feel it but it wasnt heavy.
As I fell deeper into sleep my grip loosened on her. This was the first sleep I've gotten where I wasn't anxious, I wasn't afraid i would wake up back in the house, I wasnt afraid of him or the scars on my body. I wasn't afraid of the constant intrusive thoughts that would plague my mind when Sorscha wasn't around.

I was safe.

I knew I was safe.

When I woke up the next morning, I heard Sorscha humming the same tune, granted it was slightly being drowned out by the toothpaste and brush in her mouth. The door to our bedroom was shut but since her parents are at work she was as loud as she can be.

I got out of bed and stretched my arms out. I found a short sleeve shirt, it was a Guns N' Roses shirt, she had the collar cut but I was going to through a hoodie on top of it anyways. I tossed on some jeans and some Adidas.

I grab a protein bar, I'm not usually hungry in the mornings but I still like to eat something small.

I hear the tap run for a second and Sorscha tap her toothbrush on the edge of the sink, "Clo, where do you want to go today?" I thought to myself for a moment, we've done a lot of shopping recently, so I tried to think of something new.

"Bowling."

"What?" She laughed a bit.

"I haven't gone bowling since I was in England. We should go bowling!" She responds with an enthusiastic okay.

I go back into her room, stealing her New York hoodie and putting her gloves on. Black gloves, she decided to wear her fingerless ones sicne it'll be dark in the building anyways.

Sorscha wearing her high top converse, which were black and what was white is now stained with wear and tear, stained and scuffed, from nearly everyday use. She wore a black t-shirt with ripped jeans.

When we got there, Sorscha refused to let me pay but we got a lane and the lights off with multiple colors shining throughout the building.

We went to grab the bowling balls, Sorscha grabbed a blue eleven pound ball, I followed suite going to grab a purple nine pound like I typically would. However it was proving to be more difficult than usual.

Why can't I grab it?

What's wrong with me?

This should be easy.

Why am I so weak?

I looked for a lighter weight however none were nearby. There was only the one nine pound one and I couldn't lift it. Sorscha notices my struggle and comes over to pick the ball up for me after placing hers down on the return machine. She picks it up like it was a bird's feather.

She placed it onto the machine and set up the lane. Putting our names in and preparing for her turn as I changed into the bowling ally's shoes. They were never comfortable and never fit just right but I managed.

Sorscha surprises me by getting a spare first round. I get up and take a deep breath in, letting it out after holding for a moment. I turn the ball, and place my fingers into the proper slots to grab hold, however I struggled again and again to pick it up.

My anxiety picked up, it felt like everyone was staring, like I had a thousand eyes staring right at me. My weakness felt like it was a display in a museum for everyone to see. My hands were shaking and my breath picked up. I covered my mouth and held my stomach. I felt as though I wanted to puke.

Sorscha was on call with her mom at the moment, to make sure her mom knew what we were doing. But I couldn't handle the anxiety. I stepped back and ran to the bathroom, I didn't even care about the true stares I was getting. I couldn't breathe, my breath had quickened so much I was struggling to function.

I heard steps enter the bathroom, and Sorscha was calling my name. I stepped out the stall and practically flew to her, she hushed my wails and cries and rubbed my back. Humming that familiar tune once more. This time to pull me out of my mind, my anxiety that was ever so flowing through my mind.

She continued to hum as we left the bathroom a few minutes later, hand in hand. We got a ramp for me to push the ball down and put up the bumpers. Sorscha would place the ball on top and I would push it down. I felt weak still but at the same time, i had Sorscha and Sorscha makes me feel like I'm never alone in this.

Lullaby's Translation:

Oh, my little baby
Always stay by my side
Do not part from me

Oh my darling
You give me hope, my darling
My I be safe

Sleep peacefully, sleep peacefully
Sleep peacefully, my sweet child...

Oh my little babe
Take my sure advice
My peaceful love

Oh my little babe
And a prayer from my heart
For the life in front of you

Sleep peacefully, sleep peacefully
Sleep peacefully, my sweet child...