I'm not me

Part 16

✨Hi everyone I can not believe I haven't updated this book since the start of this month I am sorry! However on a positive note only 7 days left until season 3 comes out. It's mind blowing as I swear there was still at 2 more weeks until the new season starts. Hope you enjoy this chapter.✨

All Nick could think of was, "What the fuck just happened?" The abruptness of the moment left him reeling. One moment, he was sharing an intimate experience with Charlie; the next, he was nearly pushed off the bed as she yelled and darted into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. The sound echoed in his ears, leaving a hollow pit in his stomach. He stood frozen, his heart racing, as he heard the muffled sounds of her crying. It felt like an emotional bomb had detonated between them, and he had no idea how to navigate the fallout.

His mind raced back to the decision they had made together—a two-way lock on the bathroom door, they both agreed it was something that it was required step as precautionary from Charlie's history. But now, with the door firmly shut and Charlie's sobs piercing through, Nick was left feeling helpless. He contemplated grabbing the key and opening the door, but he quickly decided against it. Charlie needed her space; he knew that much. Instead, he knelt by the door and gently knocked, hoping to reach her through the barrier. "Char, love, are you okay?"

As he waited, he slipped on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his movements automatic, but his mind was anything but calm. "I'm really sorry, Charlie, if I did anything wrong or triggered you. Please know that I'm right here if you need anything. I'll wait here for as long as you need space. I love you." His words felt inadequate, but he hoped they would reach her.

Inside the bathroom, Charlie was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts, too chaotic to process Nick's voice. It wasn't that she was ignoring him; she was battling a storm within her mind. "You're not allowed to dress like this," her inner voice scolded. "Don't do this to yourself." Other thoughts seeped in, darker and more insidious: "Nick doesn't care," and "End it; this isn't who you are." She felt a profound sense of disconnection, as if her body and mind were at war. This wasn't how she had imagined her first time presenting as a girl would feel—vulnerable and beautiful, not caught in a spiraling doubt.

After what felt like an eternity—though it was only three hours—Charlie finally opened the door. Her gaze locked onto Nick, and in that moment, he moved instinctively, ready to embrace her. "Nick," she murmured in a small voice before stepping into his arms, breaking down in tears. "My love, I'm right here, I'm right here."

"I'm so, so, so sorry," she gasped between sobs. "I thought I was ready. I was ready mentally, but I guess I wasn't ready physically and emotionally." Nick held her tighter, whispering soothing words as he stroked her hair, trying to ground them both. "Hey, slow down. It's okay, just breathe." Charlie took a few shaky breaths, gradually feeling the tension ebb away.

"Can we sit on the bed, please? I need to talk."

"Of course," Nick replied gently. "But before we do, I want to change."  Charlie mentioned before moving forward.

"Yeah, that's totally okay. I'll wait here."

Once Charlie emerged from the bathroom, having changed into something more comfortable, she joined Nick on the bed. He immediately sensed her hesitation and wanted to break the silence. "So, I'm really sorry. I feel like I did something to cause this. I promise I didn't mean it at all; I'm really sorry." He wanted her to know how much he cared.

"It's okay, and I'm sorry too for not communicating," Charlie began, her voice steadying. "It was fine and good until you moved your hands under the skirt. I don't know why, but it just made me really dysphoric about everything. It became too much. I'm sorry for almost pushing you off the bed; I didn't even know I had that much strength."

"I'm very sorry, Charlie. I should've known to ask before I did that. Honestly, I was just a little shocked." After a pause, she could feel the weight of her thoughts pressing on her.

"Nicky, there's something else I need to tell you." He looked at her, his expression softening, signaling that he was fully present and listening.

"During this... episode, I had some really dark thoughts. Like, I'm not meant to be dressing like a girl. I'll never be a girl. I thought maybe you didn't want me to do this, that you wanted the old Charlie back. I even thought I should end it—meaning my life."

Nick's heart sank, and he was momentarily speechless. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly, as if to shield her from her own thoughts. "My baby girl, that is not true at all. None of it is true. I love YOU, whatever version of Charlie you want to be." He paused, taking a breath to steady himself. "But, baby, I need to ask—did anything happen?"

Charlie shook her head vehemently, determination in her eyes. "No, Nick, nothing at all. I promise, even pinky swear! I can even show you if you don't believe me." She stood up slightly, ready to fight for her truth.

"Princess, I believe you. I 100% promise. I'm really, really proud of you." He took a moment to collect himself. "I think we should head to bed; it's almost midnight. Would you like some fruit before we sleep?"

"Thank you, Nick, that would be great. Maybe an apple and some strawberries?"

"Of course," he said, moving to the kitchen. When he returned with her fruit, they settled back on the bed, the atmosphere feeling lighter. They chatted about their weekend plans, shared jokes, and slowly began to weave their way back to a sense of normalcy.

Before they knew it, the tension of the night faded away, and exhaustion took over. They drifted off to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms, feeling a little more connected and a little less alone in their struggles.