Let Me Go (Sequel to Rescue Me)

Chapter XII

            "I'm a monster, am I Severus..." I say sadly.

He wiggles closer to me and leans his head down to look through the curtain of hair that cover my eyes. With a finger, he pushes my hair behind my ear.

"Maybe you are now... But the Analeigh I know has confidence, a bit too much at times-" I can't help but laugh as the day Severus taught us how to dance for the Yule Ball comes back to me. My big mouth earned me the dance. "- she cares about her friends and her family and would not let anyone believe what the crowd believes unless it's real. Don't let Dolores get in your head. The Ministry is just one, big lie."

I take a deep breath, too tired and exhausted to cry anymore. My shoulders feel heavy. "But I don't have a family anymore. I've allowed a friend to die and destroy two others." I say through an almost closed mouth as I rest my head on my knee.

"This isn't you! This isn't what you think. You are no longer living on your own. The mistakes that you do are not yours to be blamed for." He explains.

"And how exactly am I supposed to make everybody else believe me? I just say that I casually co-exist with Voldemort and... and that he is back to destroy everything! What are they going to think Severus? They are either going to think that my place is at a psychiatric hospital or that I am helping Voldemort to come back by... I don't even know, lending him my body to live in!"

He stares into my eyes with no expression again. It's ridiculous of me to think that I can get advices from him when I go against what he says. I hardly get up, my butt sore from the hard ground, and dust myself off.

"Forget it, Severus. You can't understand. I'm going to bed... I'll figure this out eventually."

I go to the door with a funny walk. My body hurts and feels asleep. I'm not tired but I could do with a cold shower and a comfortable bed.

"Loneliness."

I look over my shoulder. Severus stands tall in the middle of his classroom. He's just a dark figure in the room. He reminds me of a Dementor.

"You try to help others but you need to help yourself. The urge to make a difference bothers you because, if it's good for you, it's not for others and the other way around. That's how I feel." He says.

I look at him but he just stares at the ground. No words come to me. This is how I feel most of the time. I try to say something but only sounds of broken words leave my mouth.

"The truth is... that I want to help you Analeigh. For the first time, I want to do something good for you even if it won't be good for me."

Why would help me not be good for him? Fighting off the Dark Lord away from me, helping me to become myself again, why would it be negative for him? Are these rumours of him being a Death Eater real? It can't be. He's always been supportive –even if he's been unfair- and, most importantly, he was there.

He comes to me and grabs me a chair. After making sure that the door is still locked, he sits me down and looks down at my hands. His figures go over mine. The skin on them is all raw from bighting it off.

"I'm so tensed and tired, all the time." I confess him.

His eyes meet mine. A strange feeling of looking at my father hits me. Instead of making me cry, it reassures me.

"Do you want help?"

I gasp. It must be the first time I am asked this. I've never had a choice before. I was the damsel in distress. I've been saved, I've been forced into decisions and I never had a chance to say anything. I would have refused it. I would tell him that I am strong enough to take care of myself but he knows better than anyone that I am far from strong.

"I need help."

He looks in my eyes intently. I wish I could do the same right now. Are they normal? Are they red again?

"You do understand that, now that you're back, if you are, things will be different." Snape explains calmly.

I simply nod and look down at my feet. I do understand. I'm willing to do whatever is needed. After all, I can't do much about who -or even what- I am. I might not know that but I know what I want. It's as simple as one, two, three. What I want is to use the strength I have. How? I don't really know yet. But I want to.

"Voldemort and I are stuck together. He gives me his weakness but I can get is strength, right?"

He frowns slightly but nods.

"Severus, teach me how to be strong."

He sits back and raises his eyebrows. A new wave of hope fills me. I know I can do something, I'm sure this is not how I will end. I have a feeling that I won't end this way. I need to put all the chances I can get on my side. I am a puppet. For now. This is not how I will end. This is not my fucking ending!

"You want me to teach you spells?"

I take his arm and stand up, ignoring the numbness of my body.

"I want you to teach me everything. Teach me the killing curse, how to use Occlumency and Legilimency, I want you to tell me everything about Voldemort, tell me about unscripted potions, the spells you created, how to make my own spells. Tell me everything you know."

I don't let go of him until I can hear him say he will help me. I need to know that I have an ally, I want to know that I am helped and not just pitied. Severus is the only one I have, the only one that knows.

He presses his lips together and stands up.

"I will." He says.

I feel warm inside. Hope is back. It's real this time. I will make a difference. I let go of his arm.

"When do we start?" I ask him, excited to begin.

"Now." He replies.

That's how Severus and I started to practice everything we had a break. No matter when, we would come back to the classroom and get ready. I have faith in him and that gives me faith in myself. I just keep in mind that I will not end the way Voldemort wants me to. I will never give up. I will fight.

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