The Way The Water Flows

Nothing in the World Belongs to Me

For the first time in years, Maya wasn't plagued by nightmares in her sleep. Her mind was blank, a dreamless sleep, which she preferred. Just black nothingness. She was comfortable, warm, and, well, wasn't that what mattered?

But, it wouldn't last. Nothing did.

Maya woke up, realizing the warmth was Logan's body pressed against her back while one of his arms was slung over her hip. She could feel the exhale of each light snore on her neck. She pushed a hand up the side of her face, brushing her hair away from her eyes. She knew she needed to leave, as much as she wanted to stay.

She gathered her clothes from the floor, quietly putting them back on. Thankfully, it was still dark enough outside that no one would be awake at this hour. Maya looked back at Logan who seemed to be peacefully asleep and her heart wrenched slightly before she slipped out the door.

One week at a school for mutants and she already fucked a teacher. Maya didn't regret it, though. She liked Logan. Even before meeting him, she had a feeling she would like him. The way some people described him—tall, dark, and handsome—it made her imagination run wild with interest. A simple curiosity that turned less and less innocent after being in the danger room with him.

To act on her feelings? God, what was she doing? No, no, no, this wasn't regret. This was surprise. Even if Maya did find someone attractive, it was more of an acknowledgment, an appreciation, of their looks rather than a burning desire. Logan brought it out of her and Maya wasn't sure how to feel. Should she feel deeper for him? Did she and she just didn't know it? What was the soft feeling in her chest that bubbled over every time he kissed her? She couldn't describe it, not the full extent of it. It was something she had never felt before. An emotion she couldn't name.

It was so contrary to most emotions she felt. Anger, sadness, doubt, fear. It was just as intense... but on the opposite side of the spectrum.

Maya sat on her bed, brushing her hands through her hair as she took a deep breath. Despite everything, she could still feel human. Despite everything, she still felt the full range of emotions. Despite everything, she was going to love.

She let out a strangled laugh, a few tears forming in her eyes. This didn't have anything to do with Logan anymore, even if he was the one she was in love with. No, it was about her. She had felt like nothing for so long. Undeserving of anything this world had to offer. That's what the people who kept her wanted to feel. Like she was just a lab rat, to be tested on and contained until they got bored of her and disposed of her like they inevitably would.

Despite, despite, despite, she was still alive. Still her. Somewhere, deep inside her, was that little kid who loved starting snowball fights, who loved doodling everywhere, who loved learning, learning from her teachers in a poorly funded school, learning from her mother who taught her all she knew about her culture.

And maybe that was worth all the running. So that little girl could keep on living and resurface one day to experience proper joy when she was ready. To see that rainbow after the storm which was slowly suffocating her.

Maya threw off her clothes, getting down to her underwear and bra before she laid down on the bed. She looked up at the ceiling, her arms at her sides as if she were in a coffin, letting the feeling wash over her. She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes to revel in it. She wasn't an experiment. She wasn't some thing to be kept and contained and demeaned. She had a life. Now, she was determined to make a new one for herself.

Though, occasionally, she'd wonder what her parents were up to. Were they even alive? Did they try to look for her after she was taken? Were they happy? Or did they go through a downward spiral, ultimately causing a mental decline? Most people didn't care about missing Indigenous women anyway, they would think her parents were especially crazy if they said the government had taken her.