Lan Qiren wakes up and, for once, does not stir. He wonders what woke him up since it's still dark and the camp is asleep. It's easy to stretch out his senses and examine his surroundings, looking for the source of disruption. Then he hears a voice, WangJi, talking. At first, he thinks the child might be talking in his sleep, but then A-Ying answers him.
"Old man Lan surely has changed," A-Ying tells him.
"Mn. But he's so different from the hard uncle of our past life. I loved him as you do any member of the family, but at the same time, I was frustrated with his view towards you. I didn't understand why he couldn't see how good you were, how much you stood by what you believed."
"I know what he thought about me, but I thought he loved you and XiChen-Ge."
"I suppose he might have. He and Xiongzhang were always closer, and I felt like I had to be strong by myself."
Oh, Lan Qiren thinks that's incredibly sad. Why had he given that impression?
"Why? What made you think that? What was the difference in how he treated XiChen-Ge and you?"
Lan Zhan is quiet for a moment as if formulating his reply. Then he says, "As soon as I began surpassing Xiongzhang in our studies, and my adherence to discipline and my duties, it was as if I had to maintain that high standard continuously. While he and Xiongzhang used to meet every day for tea and meetings."
"Weren't you invited to those?"
"No. Or if Uncle did, Xiongzhang would talk him out of it."
"Maybe XiChen-Ge was just trying to save you from a dull and boring time." Wei Ying scoots closer, the rustle of his clothes moving on their bedroll sounding loud in the quiet night.
Somewhere, an owl hoots, followed by the squeal of its unfortunate prey.
Lan Qiren wonders why he would have behaved differently towards both his nephews. It is probably true that he would have used A-Huan's maturity to teach him the ins and outs of being a Sect Leader, but he had no idea it would end up alienating his younger nephew.
"And then, after the guest lectures, I think he could tell how much I missed you, and to him, that wasn't a good thing. He never understood how I felt about you, or how much I wanted to leave everything behind, just so I could be with you. I feel cheated because you heard him telling Xiao XingChen to pursue the person he feels that deep connection with? He never supported what I wanted in our past life. His punishments just kept getting harsher, as if he could erase my feelings, scrape them out of my heart to clean it up."
"Lan Zhan, come here, my love." A-Ying's voice sounds thick with unshed tears.
There's more shuffling as if the children are hugging each other.
Lan Qiren is truly shocked at himself. It was bad enough listening to his conduct and all of A-Zhan's memories, but this? This is an insight into how he truly felt at the unfairness of their situation and how much Lan Qiren had needed to make an example out of the Second Jade of Gusu.
Why had Lan Qiren chosen to be that strict with his own nephew? Was he scared that any leniency on his part would be seen as favouritism towards family?
Regret is a deep and unfathomable well of remorse in his mind, a wish that he would have been different towards his family, kinder somehow. Yes, discipline was a trait that should be ingrained in all the Lan disciples, but so should qualities such as kindness and empathy towards the younger members of their Clan, to teach them better life skills. But he can't help feeling that he might have failed both of his nephews in his past life.
What was the point in teaching them to be exemplary students, to be masters of cultivation and lead others towards that infinite goal of pushing past the boundaries of this mortal life, if they weren't happy?
