Endless Agony

Breaking the Silence!

She had become familiar with this pattern. Though she felt anxious, there was a calmness within her; she was no longer sitting idly, suppressing everything.

As she walked, she suddenly stopped. Her destination had arrived. She didn’t want to move forward, but she also didn’t wish to turn back and face anyone again. She paused to contemplate whether she should proceed or not. Just then, another voice reached her ears.

“Is this your final decision?”

Mahira wanted to feign ignorance about the voice because she was exhausted.

“One shouldn’t speak to strangers at night.”

“There’s a difference between being a stranger and being perceived as one, Mahira.”

“Assuming someone is a stranger makes one a sinner, but forcing them to believe they’re a stranger is not?!! You still haven’t forgotten how to twist words to suit your convenience.”

“And maybe you haven’t forgotten how to be sarcastic…”

They both smiled.

But Mahira’s laughter quickly faded, and in a hushed voice, she said, “It’s hard to believe, but now I want you to come meet me.”

“Why’s that?”

“I needed to ask you something straightforward.”

“What’s that?”

“In my life, I’ve always had expectations from the people I encountered, yet they never met those expectations. But with you, I never held any hopes at all. So why did you do this?”

“I can’t forget what you did for me, Mahira. You helped me at every turn. But your distancing was your own fault. I never gave you a reason for it.”

Mahira smiled again.

“A reason? Hmm, you’re right. Using someone for your benefit and then leaving them alone doesn’t need a reason, does it? Using someone for your own gain without ever showing appreciation doesn’t require justification, does it? As long as someone does what you need, they’re your friend; but when they fulfill someone else’s needs, you push them aside. It doesn’t need a reason to humiliate them in front of others, does it? And when they express their displeasure, you distance yourself and make others do the same. That doesn’t need a reason, does it?”

“Much has happened unknowingly, but I never intentionally did anything to hurt you.”

“You’re right. None of you ever did anything intentionally. It was my mistake to make you such an important part of my life, so much so that you walked all over me. And now that you’re happy to have left, why do you come back?”

“Because you’re wrong.”

“You’ll keep debating with me, and it’ll keep going on. Don’t bring more troubles upon yourself or me.”

“You might have issues with your thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with that. But why are you making it a plague in your life?”

“I’m fed up with seeing insensitivity. I’m sure no one has given you as many chances as I have. Every time… in childhood, school, college, university... everywhere I’ve been given chances. This has always been the custom. Whoever you get close to just uses you and leaves. If it were just in childhood, I could have dealt with it. If it were just in school, I could have dealt with it. But someone who has seen this at every turn from childhood until now loses their mind over it. Their feelings become distorted. Before they die, they die a thousand deaths. And no one knows anyone’s past. That’s why people can walk in and out of my life without hesitation...This is just as committing a murder! Murder! You know that!!?”

She was shouting without hesitation now, as if she didn’t want to hear anyone else’s voice. She just wanted to tell her story, making it clear that she had reached a point in her life where she didn’t want two-way communication. She only wanted to express her perspective, which had always been suppressed.

She continued, “The pain lies in the fact that every time I told you all what you were doing was wrong, the same attitude continued. I never demanded you understand my silence. I laid everything bare. What was the benefit of that?”

“If you want to unburden your heart, just do it.”

“Unburden my heart? It’s so heavy now. You can’t lighten it; you can’t even try. I always thought maybe there were shortcomings on both sides. But now, when I think about it, I feel sorrow for myself. I am the biggest sinner… none of you is as responsible as I am. I feel both amused and angry at myself. How could I do this to myself? How could I!? When you needed help, you treated me like subordinate. You would just give orders and walk away, while I remained under the illusion that friends are there to help. I worked late into the night when you were already asleep. I stood by you in front of everyone; no one dared to speak ill of you in my presence, but you gave everyone a chance to do so. Even in wrongdoings, I didn’t let you feel ashamed infront of others. I was wrong. I had elevated you all, and now I want to bring you down. You all can’t value sensitive individuals. You all have the capacity to live with the heartless…”

She had cried so much that she felt as if her tears had run dry. She just wanted silence. She wanted to stop both her mind and her tongue from moving.

When she lifted her gaze, she was met with a strange sight. She was astonished to see the girl before her fading away slowly. Mahira realized that her tearful eyes were the cause, but the reality was something else altogether. In the blink of an eye, the girl vanished into smoke... Mahira just watched.

Then she sat down.
“Why have you all settled in my mind? Why don’t you let me forget everything? Why have you made me weak?”

She looked up, her eyes shining. It was evident that she had made a decision...

“It’s true I wasn’t a fighter, but I certainly wasn’t someone who would give up so easily. You can’t hide pain forever... you can’t keep your tears at bay all the time. None of these people are my criminals. My true criminal is fate for gathering them all in my life. They could have been shared separately with different people to teach lessons. What kind of justice is it to give them all to me at every stage of life?!”

She raised her finger and began hitting her forehead hard.
“THEY HAVE ALL SETTLED HERE... HERE!!!!! When I say something, they start talking. When I prepare to sleep, they play the playlist of beautiful moments… When I want to find peace in that, the bitter reality is revealed before me. It’s as if they are laughing at me, asking which of these beautiful things I am connected to now. How easy it is to say that whoever breaks your heart should be removed from your heart... I can remove them from my heart, but how do I remove them from my mind? What method do I adopt? They don’t leave my thoughts… They find greater comfort in my life than in anyone else’s. I am tired of crying, of thinking, and I have reached the conclusion that neither this world can understand me nor can I understand it. The bitterness of these people has taught me to distrust even those who are sincere. I cannot walk like this anymore. I cannot live in this negativity…”