The Best/Worst Musical Musical (BMC, DEH, HEATHERS)

seven - talking

It's complicated. Two and a half words that has drawn an obscure amount of utter befuddlement within Jared and myself. We haven't spoken to each other properly besides rehearsals for a week now, the odd text and look in class. His eyes glance towards me at the rare occasion for a flurry of discomfort. At lunch I've just been sat with Connor which is needed anyway. I hope this entire Jared thing blows over, it's just pure anguish to suffocate within our requited silence.

Connor's parents apparently want to meet me. I think under the circumstances they will have to eventually. I can't fully grasp why I accepted it, he hasn't mentioned that SQUIP thing whatsoever since last week. It couldn't be some big elaborate thing if Jeremy is entangled in it. I don't understand drugs whatsoever, even the ones I legally take - the fuzzy numbness of knowing you aren't exactly better but you aren't exactly worse. It's complicated, but not 'Jared' complicated.

I don't even get why he's doing it. Maybe he's jealous of Connor for getting one of these pill thingies. 

I think I may be overthinking this all drastically too much. I'm usually a sweaty mess, clawing out at the idea of freedom, but now I sort of miss me at the start of the academic year, I could sleep at night without worrying what my words would imprint on people. Maybe that's because I have been skipping a therapy session or two, maybe that's why my mom is driving me to one on a Saturday morning, instead of picking up yet another shift.

The car halts at the red light, the only sound being the radio playing at a nearly-shushed tone and the tapping of my mom's fingers against the steering wheel.

My mom is a character, alright. Most parents who have kids my age that are separated blame each other, finding a way to bring the root of the cause to one another. My mom just blames anything but my dad, despite him being the real reason. I never learnt why he left, but I remember the build up. I was already a bit of an anxious kid before things got 'bad' with them so I couldn't even use that as the reason for why I'm such a bad person.

I do love her though. She was the only one there for me when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air. She is the only one who knows how I like my toast, how I tie my shoelaces, the simple things. I do think I'm rather lucky to have her in some instances, but others I do wish she wasn't my mom.

I wish she wasn't trapped up in the world of 'Evan'. I wish she wasn't financially burdened with a kid who needs all sorts of things to somewhat-function. I wish she didn't have to pick up work shifts just to stay somewhat-afloat. It does make me dislike what my 'dad' could have ever been. I hope Jeremy's dad is making her happier a bit, even if I can never remember his name. 

"Earth to Evan," she whispers out, briefly fixating her gaze to my body, adjusting it back to the road.

My head swivels to hers, "Sorry. Just- thinking."

Her head cocks to the side a little bit, "I'd be worried if you weren't thinking. What exactly are you thinking about?" 

Now this is where I am stumped. There is always more than one thought racing around my circuit, a constant buzzing. "Mom I never wrote that letter."

"The one to Dr Sherman?"

"Yeah."

I think I told her the worst one. I let my eyes watch the streets blur past, a muddle of colours and sounds.

"That's okay. I mean, you've actually been busy. You've actually had friends over, you've been out of the house. Your cast is signed, too, which is good."

Good? Good? That wouldn't be the word I would have picked. Being marked down with Connor. I feel as if this is some sort of cruel joke because I was with Jared when he was being mean to Connor. Connor wouldn't ever actually be my friend, fern why would he? He's millions of worlds apart, and actually has a social life. I think my mom is giving him my college funds to hang out with me.