the cadence of part time poets

Chapter 86: January, 1978

But oh, how it feels so real,
Lying here, with no one near;
Only you and you can hear me,
When I say softly, slowly;

Hold me closer, tiny dancer,
Count the headlights on the highway;
Lay me down in sheets of linen,
You had a busy day today...

- "Tiny Dancer" Elton John, 1971

Later, on the train...

Remus had always liked lists. Lists helped keep things tidy, and tidy kept said things from going missing. It also kept one from bollixing up their entire life; who knew what, who went where, who liked who—that was messy, no way around it. Keeping tidy lies prevented the inevitably messy from getting even messier. It also helped keep peace of mind.

Marlene. Tomny. Regulus. Simeon. Lottie—today's list. Everyone he'd told (inadvertently or otherwise) about his and Sirius' secret relationship. It felt like a tidy record, until he thought more on it and realised that people had lists of their own. Marlene knew and was gay herself, which consequently meant that her girlfriend Nicole knew as well. And Tomny knew, because Tomny knew everything, which must've meant that Tonya had known, even if she'd guessed it on her own. Regulus had sworn up and down that he'd told no one about Sirius, but it wasn't enough. His parents had realised it anyway the day Walburga Black found those dirty magazines beneath the floorboards of Sirius' bedroom, and no matter how badly he fretted, Remus would never know the full extent of who knew. How many? How many other family members or evil doctors or nasty psychologists knew about Sirius' shameful little secret?

At least the Blacks were far away, he reasoned. One could hardly add names to a list without knowing them in the first place. But what about the problems closer to home? What about Lottie, the self-proclaimed queen of gossip—could she really be trusted to keep such juicy news to herself?

Suddenly it was starting to feel like Remus' tidy list had gone out the window. He spent most of the never-ending train ride back to school with his nose in a book, eyes glued to the page but hardly absorbing a word. He felt the fizzy-drink feeling return, like he was a rocket ready to launch right off the compartment bench. His more reckless side kept telling him he should just do it—whip his head up and announce it to everyone.

I'M GAY!

Or well...

Not exactly gay.

More like half and half.

I still like girls. Girls are great—Women! I meant women, Mary. What? No, we always meant to tell you! Y-Yeah, Sirius too. And we're sorta... No, Lily, it isn't like that! We wanted to wait until we were sure we could trust—er, no sorry, wrong choice of words. Huh...? NO! We do trust you, but there's always... And we weren't fighting! Or, I mean we kind of were, but we're better now and—no, Lottie, I've never thought of Mick Jagger naked, but Sirius—no, Peter, I've never thought about YOU naked either. And Tomny isn't—BUTT STUFF?! ... ohmygod.

Then again—not a chance. Maybe in another life he'd have allowed the reckless abandon to truly take over rather than just get muddled in his head, but not this Remus Lupin. Not when he had no guarantee of the outcome. He'd rather it happen slowly, one at a time. Like writing a song. First the melody, then the bridge... First James, then Lily... Peter, Mary... It wasn't a terrible list. Had a lot of love, that list. Oh, maybe...

"Moony, heads up!"

A football caught the backside of Remus' book, nearly driving the spine into his nose. He looked up, annoyed, to find the rest of his friends staring back at him with happy grins. Lily sat beside James, red hair wild and windblown from having just transferred over from Doncaster. Mary was on her other side, painting the toe of Marlene's boot with purple nail polish, and Marlene was watching her with a tiny smile and one arm draped across the top of the bench seat. Lottie and Peter were bickering over the flavour of one of the cart pasties—raspberry or mulberry. While he was distracted, Sirius seized Remus' book to ignite a game of keep away, which he lost immediately when Lily reached forward to snatch it.