the cadence of part time poets

Chapter 92: Blue

Don't let me down,
Don't let me down;
Don't let me down,
Don't let me down...

- "Don't Let Me Down" The Beatles, 1969

Sheila was beloved. Remus had always known that. She looked for the troubled ones, the lost causes, and accepted them even when they shouted obscenities right in her face. She was kind, often too kind... too patient. But she was beloved. And as much as he hated her for what she'd done, Remus couldn't help but love her too.

Do you think she could love me, even after all this time?

"You don't have to go," Sirius told him. "Not if it'll make you sad."

I am sad. I'm always sad. I have been sad for eighteen years.

And who's fault is that?

The thought came violently; intrusive and punishing. He hadn't had one in so long—Sirius' influence, probably. Stupid Remus... And here he'd thought it must've meant that he was getting better.

You don't care! It rang, like some sick children's song. You don't care, you don't care, you don't caaaaaaaaare!

"Moony?"

Your fault, your fault!

"I'm going to see her, Sirius."

"... Alright then."

Remus had never been to the teachers' quarters before. Considered out of bounds to all students, the brick and mortar building sat just behind Castle Hall and boasted the largest car park on campus save the trolley depot. They had to scale the main gate to get inside, but it was easy enough for the two seasoned pranksters.

Unsurprisingly, James had gone after Peter. Remus had no idea whether it would help or what James even planned to say to him, but he didn't have the energy to argue. If Peter wanted to be angry with them then he could be angry, but Remus could only tolerate one relationship imploding at once. Maybe it was selfish, but if Sheila really was back then he wasn't going to wait. Not until he got his answers.

"Shit... Fuck!"

Remus threw his hands down, hearing the sharp ting as the bobby pins disappeared into the dark. He'd been working on the front door's lock for ages, but it was heavy and the wrong kind—harder to pick than the usual pin-and-tumbler ones scattered about campus.

"What if we just knock on her window?" Sirius suggested, standing behind Remus and looking antsy.

"We don't know which window is her's."

"Eh, maybe we get lucky."

Remus sighed, haggardly. Even if they did manage to somehow get inside, there was no guarantee they'd even be able to figure out which door belonged to her. One wrong move and they could be in detention for the next month.

"We could wait until Monday," Sirius said, pressing a hand on his shoulder. "At least that way you know she'll be—"

"I don't want to wait until Monday, Sirius!"

The shout had poured out of him on accident, and Remus was instantly sorry. "I'm sorry," he murmured, standing up beneath the buzzing yellow entry light. "Sorry..."

"You don't have to be sorry." Sirius raised a hand, pressing his palm to the side of Remus' neck. It was cool; comforting.

"You can go," he said. "I'll figure it out on my own. No need for you to get caught up too."

"Not a chance. I'm here, Moons. Always."

Remus smiled, agonisingly. What would I ever do without you?