Back To The Night We Met

Chapter 18 : Fear

Auria

No classes today, so I'm spending all of my time into finishing all the homework I have left.

It's been a few hours since I began and I was puzzled as to why there was still a pile of unfinished homework on my desk, and it was only then that I realized that I've been staring blankly out into the open for the past--I don't know, few minutes? Wala pa pala akong natatapos na gawain dahil sa kakaisip ng kung ano ano.

In the midst of my midlife crisis, I noticed Yaya Tina standing on the doorway, with a tray of food and drink on her hands.

"Mukhang busy ang alaga ko ah?"

I let out a small laugh as I set some of my stuff aside to make room for meryenda.

"Break muna, baka malunod ka sa dami niyan," she kidded as she placed the tray on my desk.

I murmured my thanks, but she didn't leave like she usually does after bringing my food. "Kumusta ka?" tanong niya.

"Okay lang po," medyo naguguluhang sagot ko.

She usually just checks up on me when she knows that I'm going through something. Imposibleng malaman niya ang tungkol sa nangyari sa family meeting dahil hindi ko naman kinwento.

"Sigurado ka? Nakakapanibago na tahimik ka. Anong problema?"

Umupo siya sa kama ko at tila handang makinig sa kung ano mang sama ng loob na ikukwento ko. Alam na alam talaga kung kailan ako may pinagdadaanan.

"Wala, Ya. Just a few things na I've been overthinking these past few days."

She remained quiet, listening intently to my words, causing me to open up more.

I put my pen down, facepalming myself in disappointment of my recent behaviour.

"Nag-guilty ako, Ya. I've been ignoring my friends because I want to be alone. Am I selfish ba?" I asked, looking for a serious answer and probably an advice, as well.

"Eh sa tingin mo ba, nasaktan sila sa ginawa mong pagbalewala sa kanila, o naintindihan nila?" she calmly asked, making me assess the situation.

I don't know. Sa sobrang occupied ko, I didn't notice kung anong reaction nila sa pang-iignore ko sa kanila. I was a bit self-centered these past few days.

"O baka ikaw ang naaapektuhan sa pag-iwas mo sa kanila?"

And that's when it hit me.

Ako nga ang nag-guilty. Ako ang naaawa sa kanila dahil sa mga pinaggagagawa ko. Ako ang nasasaktan.

But I can't help it! Isolating myself is the only solution I have so I can sort things out for myself.

Kapag kinausap ko sila, gusto kong maayos na ako. Ayokong maibuhos sa kanila 'yung nararamdaman ko.

I often go into this deep state of isolation when I'm going through something, and I got used to it because I'm usually alone naman talaga, but things are different now that I have people who are looking out for me. Doon ay hindi ko pa alam kung paano ia-adjust ang sarili ko.

"Ako nga po 'yung naaapektuhan," sagot ko sa kaniya.

Tumabi siya sa'kin at marahang hinaplos ang bagsak kong buhok. "Oh? Baka dahil hindi mo kasi ipinaliwanag sa kanila ng maayos kaya ikaw ang naapektuhan. Nak, ang mga kaibigan mong 'yan, ramdam kong totoo sila. Hindi mo kailangang matakot."

Her words gave me some sense of clarity. Somehow, nahimasmasan ako sa mga pinaggagagawa ko.

"Baka galit na sila sa'kin," katwiran ko.