Everything We Always Were

Four: Poison

I decided against telling the girls what happened last night. Not only because I don't want their opinion, knowing it would be that I was wrong to turn him away, but also because Roni and Cole are official and she can't stop gushing about it.

"So many double dates in our future!" Fran had squealed at one point, giving me a pang in the chest.

Great, even more ways for me to feel left out.

"Dels, are you going to be okay with hanging around Cole? And he might bring James sometimes,"

"If he's going to be at the barn, tell me so I don't have to walk in on you two doing unholy things." I make a disgusted face at her.

"No, it would be more of a group thing. We have enough people to be considered a friend group. Plus, James is apparently going through a lot right now and lost a lot of close friends, so he needs people in his corner right now." She explains, popping a pretzel from the bag in her lap into her mouth. "At least, that's what Cole said. He's super excited for James to have some genuine friends after everything that just happened."

"What are you talking about?" Full-blown confusion is running in my head, what could she possibly be talking about? James has plenty of friends, practically the whole school is in his corner. Including teachers.

"You didn't hear? There was a party on Saturday night. I almost went but I didn't want to be hungover for the date. Apparently, he got really drunk and had some kind of breakdown. He was crying on the floor and people recorded him and sent it around school. Ever since he dyed his hair he's been losing friends. All the misogynistic assholes turning their backs on him because he's struggling with depression. Again, this is all that Cole told me so there could be things missing from the story. But Cole is his best friend so if anyone would know the truth, it's him." I had to give Cole credit, he was a nice guy. He was never "hiding" Roni, it was more that Roni wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship and he respected her boundaries. Cole is a genuine guy and Roni deserves to be happy. I think that he can make her happy.

When it comes to James one thing comes to mind. If he's depressed, maybe his mom died. Or his grandma got sick. Or his dad did show up again for the first time in a long time. There are a few options.

I'm starting to feel a little guilty for shutting him out because obviously I know what it's like to be bullied by the kids in this town and they are ruthless and they show no mercy. You do one thing that they see as weak when you're a male, and you're labeled a pussy and you will be the personal punching bag for the football team until they get bored and move on to the next poor soul in line.

It's all very early 2000's even though it's 2024 now. I hope they aren't being too rough on him, at least. I have heard stories of past students and what they used to do to each other in those locker rooms.

Again, I don't let what she says get into my head. James is still an asshole who doesn't deserve my sympathy. The thought does sit in the back of my mind, though.

"So, you're okay with group hangouts? Not just the girls?" Fran asks, stealing the pretzel bag from Roni's lap.

"Yeah, I'll just sit here and read like always, probably." I shrug, picking up my book again.

The group hangouts started Tuesday after school. When I arrive at the barn after doing some homework, RJ and Fran are cuddled up on one couch, Cole and Roni on another and James is sitting by himself on the floor in front of their couch. I place my back down on the floor by the door and plop onto the couch closest to the bookshelves yet farthest from James.

"Did you finish your English paper?" Roni asks me.

"Not yet, but I still have another week until it's due, and I'm almost done."