Everything We Always Were

Eight: What He Did

(TW: Cancer and dying)

"Mom, seriously. It's not a big deal,"

"Don't take any bullshit from anybody," Today is a good day. Mom can get up by herself to go to the bathroom but not much else. The chemo is eating away at her, again.

She's sitting on the edge of the bed, next to me, and I'm holding her hand in my own. I can feel all of the bones in her fingers and I can't bring myself to look at her. "I promise, it's not a big deal. Don't worry about it," It really was nothing to worry about. After leaving the barn this morning, I ran into some of the football guys at the gas station.

"I am allowed to worry about my son," She coughs after the last word, and I feel her body trembling next to me. It wasn't a fight, more of a mutual warning. They wanted to pick at me again, for what happened at the party, and I wasn't taking it.

"Lay down Mom," I stand, guiding her back under the blankets. "You need to get some rest,"

She doesn't fight me, because she can't, and I close her bedroom door on my way out.

My headaches, and I rub my forehead.

Waking up on Monday the first thing I think about is Kyler, and I grit my teeth so hard that my jaw begins to ache as I get ready for school. I had thought about him so much last night that I dreamed about beating him to a pulp. It was a restless sleep, and only lasted a few hours before I was awake again.

The thoughts consume me so fully that I end up 10 minutes late to first period, earning a tardy. No big deal, but annoying nonetheless.

It sends my day into a sluggish feeling dream, the thoughts and anger making me late to both second and third hour. I feel exhausted, not paying attention for this class either, poking at my textbook cover with my pencil, over and over again, watching as the lead-painted holes grow larger, almost penetrating through by the time the bell rings.

I am right behind Delia at the door, and I watch as she falls, and I hear the loud, resonating crack when she lands.

"Oops, I'm so sorry! I totally didn't see you there!" The voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and back to full reality. She pushes away from him and stands, the arm she landed on hanging limp by her side.

I watch Kyler as he grins at her, and there's a loud ringing in my ears.

"We didn't get to finish our talk on Friday,"

"Whatever," Her voice is shaking and she stands and hurries down the hallway.

Looking back, I make eye contact with him. "Touch her again, I fucking dare you," The words are venom on my tongue, like fire, burning their way out.

I don't give him a chance to respond, rushing off in the direction Delia went, catching a glimpse of her hair as she turned a corner. I almost lose her, but then I see the shadows move at the end of the hall, in the back stairway.

"Delia?"

"What, James?" Her response is delayed, and she doesn't look at me.

"Are you okay? That fall looked painful," It takes everything to stay where I am, to stay away from her, because I know she doesn't want me near her right now.

"No, I'm not," I take a step forward, surprised she responded truthfully, "I hit my elbow really hard,"

"Can I see?" One more step forward.

"No, just leave me alone, okay? I don't need your fake sympathy." Her words genuinely shock me and I retreat back.

"It's not fake," I don't sound confident, so I clear my throat quickly, "Why would you think that it's fake? I care about you."