there she goes - jschlatt

mixed signals

sitting in the booth of the bar, I watched charlotte approach, and I couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement. she looked good—casual, confident, and unbothered. yet, beneath the surface of my anticipation lay a knot of anxiety. this was a familiar routine, but something felt different.

"nice of you to finally show up," I said, letting the teasing tone flow. I knew I was being a little harsh, but I didn't want her to see how much I cared. caring was dangerous.

"sorry! I didn't think I was that late," she replied, sliding into her seat, her eyes searching mine for a hint of warmth. I could see it in her expression; she was already gearing up for the playful banter we'd shared before. part of me wanted to give that to her, but another part hesitated. why was I feeling this way?

as we ordered drinks, I felt the weight of her gaze on me. she always seemed so earnest, so open, and it unnerved me. I could tell that my usual sarcasm was throwing her off. I wanted to keep things light, but it felt like I was walking a tightrope.

"so, how's the podcast coming along?" I asked, trying to maintain the playful vibe, but something about my tone must have been off. I couldn't help but feel that I was straying into dangerous territory.

"it's going well! we recorded a couple of new episodes, and I think they're really going to resonate with our audience," she said, her eyes lighting up.

"that's cool, I guess," I shrugged, suddenly annoyed by her enthusiasm. why did it bother me? it should have been refreshing to see her passionate about something. but the truth was, I was tired of the podcast taking up so much of her attention. it felt like she was slipping away from me, and I didn't like it.

"you don't sound very excited," she pointed out, a hint of disappointment creeping into her voice.

"it's just a podcast, charlotte. it's not like you're saving the world or anything," I said, leaning back and crossing my arms.

her expression changed, confusion mixed with hurt. "that's a bit harsh, don't you think?" she retorted, the fire in her eyes igniting something inside me.

"harsh? I'm just being real. it's good, but don't pretend it's groundbreaking," I shot back, irritation bubbling to the surface.

what the hell was wrong with me? why was I being such an ass? she was sharing something she loved, and I was just tearing it down. I could feel the tension rising between us, a storm brewing in the atmosphere.

"look, it's great that you're passionate, but maybe you should get a grip. it's not that deep," I said, leaning in closer to emphasize my point, but instead of making her shrink back, she held her ground.

"you know what? I didn't come here to be belittled," she snapped, standing up with fire in her eyes. "I thought you wanted to have a real conversation, but clearly, I was wrong."

I reached out instinctively, grabbing her wrist. "wait, charlotte. I didn't mean it like that," I said, watching her expression shift from anger to confusion.

"then how did you mean it?" she shot back, her voice sharp, and for a moment, I could see the hurt she was trying to hide.

"it's just... sometimes you can be a little too much. I thought you could handle a bit of honesty," I said, hoping to salvage the conversation, but I could feel the distance between us grow."and sometimes I need support, not criticism," she replied, pulling her wrist free from my grip. I hated how much it hurt to see her walk away.

"charlotte, wait!" I called after her, but she was already gone, leaving me sitting in the booth with a swirling storm of emotions.

why had I done that? I was supposed to be getting to know her, but instead, I felt like I was pushing her away. it was easier to keep people at arm's length, to stay the sarcastic jerk everyone expected me to be. but with her, it felt different. she saw right through my facade, and it terrified me.

as I left the bar, the cool night air hit me like a slap. I walked through the streets, replaying our conversation in my mind. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the confusion I had created. she didn't deserve that. she had opened up to me about her past, about her struggles, and I had just dismissed her passions like they were nothing.

the worst part was, I didn't even know why I had reacted that way. was I jealous of her success? afraid of what I felt? maybe a bit of both.

when I finally made it back to my place, I flopped onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling. the light from the street lamp outside flickered through the window, casting shadows on the walls. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was standing at a crossroads. charlotte was unlike anyone I'd ever met. she was smart, funny, and vulnerable in a way that made me want to protect her. but every time I let myself feel something, I found a way to sabotage it.

what if I was ruining everything? what if this was my last chance to get close to her? I had to figure out what was going on inside my head before I lost her for good. as I lay there, staring into the void, a thought struck me: maybe I needed to change. maybe I needed to be the guy she saw in me, not the one I kept pushing forward. it wouldn't be easy, but for her, it might just be worth it.